Black Mirror: White Christmas

# When the snowman brings the snow

# Well, he just might like to know

# He's put a great, big smile on somebody's face

# If you jump into your bed

# Quickly cover up your head

# Don't you lock the doors

# You know that sweet Santa Claus is on the way

# Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day... #

# ..When the kids start singing and the band begins to play

# Oh, I wish it could be Christmas every day. #

I was just getting into that.

What are you doing?

Roast potatoes.

We're doing Christmas.

Christmas.

Christmas Day, December 25th. You've heard of it?

No work today, so the bottle's on the table.

I know we didn't have decorations last year. But, er...

I couldn't find them last year.

They're only supposed to have stored essentials here.

I think it's kind of adorable someone thinks tinsel is essential.

I figured it'd be good for us to have a meal, a drink, talk...

Good for you or me?

Come on. What has it been, five years?

How many sentences have you said to me? Three?

I mean, I'm exaggerating... a little.

But, come on, there is a little bit of

a conversational drought happening here.

My ears need water.

I'm not big on conversation.

Practice makes perfect. Maybe I'll bore you.

Buddy, look, at this point, being bored by anything other than snow

would be a relief.

So come on.

Chitchat.

Conversate...

Something.

Come on, for me.

For Christmas.

What do you want to talk about?

Why are you here?

No-one ends up here

without things going to total shit for them back out there.

It's a job, not a jail.

Often one and the same thing.

So...

..what went wrong for you out there?

Nothing.

Bullshit.

It's not an interrogation!

What about you?

An icebreaker. You're learning.

What went to shit for you?

Sure you don't want that drink? Did you talk your way into trouble?

In a roundabout way.

I talked to people. Made money from it.

Why? What were you?

Some sort of a Los Angeles drive-time DJ?

I was not a DJ.

More like a guru.

Oh, don't say you were a spiritual guru.

I was decidedly not a spiritual guru.

'Hello, Harry. I'm patched through now. How are you doing?'

Sorry, I'm not quite dressed yet.

'Don't worry that's why I'm here.

'Just show me what you're planning on wearing

'and we'll take things from there.'

How about this? 'Doesn't work.

'It's boring blue and you're not boring blue. Not tonight.'

Right. Which one of these is good?

Like I said, white shirt with a black tie

with a slim-cut grey jacket.

Classic, timeless. Smart.

I don't usually do jackets.

You don't usually do anything.

And sort out that hair, because...

OK.

Remember those breathing techniques we talked about, OK?

You're going to do fine.

It's going to be fine.

She's cute.

Yes.

Not out loud.

Absolutely.

You need to pick your spots when you want to talk out loud. OK?

OK. The function room is in the back.

Trust me, if you walk in there like you belong,

no-one's going to say anything.

OK.

So what were you running, some corporate espionage outfit?

Romantic services.

Boy meets girl thanks to...

"in-the-field assistance".

You coached dorks whilst they cruised singles bars.

Singles bars are depressing. We'd do regular bars and clubs.

But at Christmas time... we'd gate-crash office parties.

See, there's this dynamic to Christmas work parties.

All the attractive women have been surrounded by

regulation office ass-clowns for the whole year,

and now they want to let their hair down.

According to the pop psychologist.

So I know how the mind works.

'Now, don't stand around like a lamppost.'

Walk over to the bar.

'Remember. Always move with purpose.'

Yeah, who's next?

Yeah. Can I have a...?

Three pints, a vodka Diet Coke and a shot of tequila.

Yeah. Don't worry about him, all right?

Just grab one of those empty bottles off the bar

while Captain Douchebag orders his piss-water.

We're just going to need it for a prop anyway.

Have a look around.

'See anything you like?'

What? The blonde?

The dark-haired girl?

Interesting choice.

Go straight over, but focus on the blonde.

'Now. Come on.

'Confidence. You can do this.'

Hold on, just finding out who they are.

OK, bullshit opener.

Try the horse story. At the blonde girl.

Hey, so, did anyone see that guy outside riding the horse?

Did you see him? What? A guy on a horse?

Yeah, like, 20 minutes ago, this guy, shirtless,

riding a horse down the high street. Really?

Yeah, honestly. He, er...

The weirdest part was that he had a bow and arrow, right?

What? A real bow and arrow?

I swear to God. He probably did it for a bet

but he looked like something out of Tolkien, you know?

Sorry, who are you?

Stall until I... until I find something.

I'm pretty sure I'm me.

Just you're not from the office. Who do you know from here?

Say, "I know you." Friendly.

I know you, for one.

Dawson.

Dawson, isn't it?

You met at Kath's barbecue.

Yeah. We met at Kath's barbecue back in...

June... June or so. Yeah.

He had a pork pie hat.

You had a poor guy's hat.

A PORK PIE hat.

A pork pie hat that you wore on your head.

He'll pretend he remembers, even though

he won't actually know if he does.

Right.

Yeah?

Yeah, sorry.

No. No, no worries. No worries.

Crazy night.

You're doing fine. Don't neglect the blonde.

You, I don't know.

Amy. Amy. Hi.

Get her to introduce you to the dark-haired girl.

So, are all of your friends this suspicious?

'Nice.'

I don't think so.

This is Jennifer.

Hi, Jennifer. Hi.

Now focus on Amy and we'll do that funny material that we worked on.

Anyway, this guy gets off the horse and he's got a backpack, right?

The tactic, generally, was to deliberately

freeze out the one you were actually interested in.

For one thing you wouldn't seem needy but...

also they would, most times, sort of lean in naturally.

People want to be noticed.

They don't like to be shut out. It makes them feel invisible.

But this girl...

This girl seemed content with being ignored.

Maybe she could smell a loser.

No.

No. She was an outsider.

An attractive outsider.

There's nothing more tantalising than that.

Huh. Well, she's off. OK.

Gonna be a challenge. Don't quit.

Let's let our friend Amy here yadder on for a little while and then, uh,

find an excuse to slip away.

They will sit outside on the balcony till, like, four in the morning...

Listen, I've just go to the little boys' room.

So just keep the party going and I'll, you know...

Sure.

Do you actually have to go?

'Yeah, but it's not easy with you watching.'

I promise. I won't peek.

So you streamed everything he saw, and he trusted you with that?

Well... it was only me watching.

'Jesus, how much urine? He's pissing like a harpooned cow.'

'It's making me want to go.

'Well, it is!'

OK, there's our girl. All right, Harry.

Your best bet is to just go over and start talking to her.

'You just want to establish a rapport.

'OK. Don't be scared of her.'

OK, guys, any observations so far, helping our man out here?

'Here's what's interesting, she's pretty but no-one's hitting on her.'