How to Be a Serial Killer

Fantasy is at the center

of what a serial killer really is.

You and I might have a bad thought about a person.

A serial killer will take that same kernel of an immoral

or illegal impulse and dwell on it.

That kernel becomes a seed,

and from that seed grows fantasy.

"Normal people have healthy fantasies."

Meaning that they can readily differentiate

between the real and the unreal.

A serial killer will dwell on that fantasy until he can

no longer resist the urge to see it through.

And once he does act on that initial impulse,

fantasy becomes reality.

*

Is it hard for you to get up in the morning?

Has your life lost a sense of purpose?

Do you feel like giving up is the only option?

Well, don't despair because Mike Wilson can help you.

Mike's unique formula has helped millions of people

get their lives back on track.

People just like you.

Mike's coached major world leaders, professional athletes,

media celebrities and top corporate executives.

Now it's your turn.

Once suicidally depressed, Mike turned his life around

when he decided to become a serial killer.

Since becoming a serial killer, Mike's achieved

a level of success and fulfillment

he never thought possible.

And now he's going to share his secrets with you in this

amazing life-changing seminar, "How To Be A Serial Killer."

Mike's simple 10-lesson program will teach you

everything you need to know to kill your way

to a better life.

You're going to be better than Dahmer, you're going to be

better than Bundy, you're going to be

better than Charles Manson.

You're going to be the killer everyone's talking about.

If you're not satisfied, Mike's seminars

come with a 100% money-back guarantee.

So stop ignoring the voices in your head,

call the number below and book your tickets now.

Act fast, because seats are filling up by the second.

But don't just take it from me,

here's some of the magic you can expect at the three-day

How To Be A Serial Killer seminar.

I want to show you how to appreciate your life.

I want to show you how to leap out of bed every morning

with a smile on your face!

I want to give you the ammunition that you need

to go out there and fight for what you believe in.

I want to help you find your passion.

I want to show you how I've changed my life because I know

that what I've discovered will help you change your life.

I want to share my secrets with you,

because I know that what I've discovered

will help you find your own joie de vivre.

You deserve a great life, and I'm going to show you

the path to that life.

My name is Mike Wilson...

and today I'm going to teach you

how to be a serial killer.

Stop ignoring the voices in your head

and call the number below.

Operators are standing by.

*

Hello?

Hi, uh...can I help you find something?

You guys are 0 for 3 on my girlfriend's list.

Um, yeah, sometimes our videos are just a little bit

hard to find here 'cause our classification system

is a little bit weird.

Along Came Polly, The Breakup, Hitch.

Where would you look for those movies?

Comedy.

Genius.

I, I can type them into the computer, and then,

'cause like sometimes people misfile the boxes,

and then they get kind of lost.

Yes, honey... I'm still at the store.

Yeah, well, I'm moving as fast as I can.

No.

Well, well sometimes it takes a fucking village

to find a video. What can I say?

Bitch.

What I'm doing is I'm typing in your titles,

and then if they're in the back I'll be able to bring them...

Whatever, just work your magic.

My computer's frozen.

No shit.

I'm gonna restart it. It'll take, like, 30 seconds.

God damn it, Jenny. What?

Yeah.

No.

I told you they don't have that.

The fucking 'tard they got working here

can't do shit.

Yeah.

Fine.

It'll take, like, five seconds.

I'm just gonna look for something else.

Hey.

Oh, hey.

You're lookin' for a-- are you lookin' for

another slasher film?

No, actually I was wondering if you had,

"Along Came Polly"?

I, I don't--

I don't think we have it in the system.

The computer's all jammed, but--

Dude, I'm fucking with you.

I overheard that little shit asking for it.

What a fucking dick.

I used to hate guys like that when I worked in retail.

Yeah, right.

How about I get the movies you want,

and I'll go to sleep?

What would you do to him...

if you could do anything you wanted to?

Anything and not get caught?

Anything?

I can see those gears turning.

If you could do anything you wanted...

Think about it.

I can't even say.

Yeah, you can.

Every time we do this.

No, we're not getting licorice.

Fuckin' black licorice.

I hate that shit anyway.

Nobody's gonna hear you except me.

And I'm your ally.

If I could do anything in the world to that guy...

I'd, uh...

I'd go to a hardware store and, uh...

I'd get a sledgehammer.

Really?

And then smash his head with the sledgehammer.

Really? That's creative.

It's a little messy, but it's creative.

I'm just jokin', you know?

Jokin' around.

I'd, um, I'd just, like,

get a gun and shoot him in the neck.

Right in the neck.

Is that real?

Yeah, it's fuckin' real.

You can't kill someone with a fake gun.

Unless you bash them in the head with it.

You mean... you've iced a guy?

I've always wanted to kill someone.

And you can.

What do you mean?

If you want to learn, I can teach you to kill

as many people as you want.

I don't know.

No, I think you do know.

I come in here all the time, and every time I see you...

I see a guy that's not happy with his life.

- You can tell that? - Uh huh.

And I see that there's a version inside of you

that's just waitin'... to break out.

You know exactly what I'm talking about, don't you?

What the fuck, honey?

No, I'm not doing this with you.

See, life comes down to a few short moments when you have

to ask yourself...

am I living up to my potential?

Am I in it... to win it?

Shit for selection.

What's it gonna be?

Are you in it to win it?

I am in it to win it.

You got a lot to learn before you can

put your hands on a weapon.

So what do you say?

You wanna go get this asshole?

Yeah.

Let's take the back... before he gets away.

Hey, dip shit.

Hey, you know what's fuckin' hilarious?

Is that you chose to act like a fuckin' asshole

on your last day on earth.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. You all right?

You still with me?

Guys like this, they take their lives for granted.

And the thing is,

is that we're all just so fuckin' fragile.

I'm a reminder to these people that they need to appreciate

their life each and every day.

So you're kind of, you're kind of doing,

doing people a favor.

You're goddamn right I am.

Looks like we got a live one.

What do you do with the body?

Depends.

Is shithead here a regular customer?

Yeah?

I got a couple acres out in the desert with a shack on it.