Modern Family

Do we know anything?

Oh, no. They're in there now with the doctor.

We're lucky, though.

The paramedics said it could've been a lot worse.

My God, how did this even happen?

There he is. Big day's coming up.

What do you want for your birthday, big dog?

It's okay. I'm good.

Come on. The sky's the limit.

Dream big, my boy.

- Well, I guess I could use a belt. - A belt?

Yeah, you're right. I don't need it.

An extension cord works pretty good.

Every year, Luke's birthday

falls right around Thanksgiving,

and so it gets lost in the holiday shuffle.

Yeah, one year we forgot completely,

and we had to improvise a cake out of stuffing.

Which, by the way, he was fine with.

He's one of those kids, you get him a gift,

and all he wants to do is play with the box.

Yeah, one year we actually just got him a box--

a really nice box.

And we made the mistake of putting it in a gift bag.

So he played with the gift bag.

- W-we can't get it right. - No.

I feel terrible. We got to do something.

Oh, yeah.

Um, well, you know, the family

is gonna be together for Thanksgiving

for the first time in, I don't even know how long, so--

I am so with you-- we should blow this out

and throw Luke the best birthday party of all time.

Yes, yes, and we'll order a whole bunch of pizzas,

and-- and-- and set up an arts-and-crafts table.

- A what? - Yeah, a crafts table.

You know, everybody gathers around, and they make stuff,

and, then, bam, they got their own party favor.

Sorry, I fell asleep

while you were describing the most boring party ever.

Ow!

See you in a few hours.

Yeah. Thanks again for the karaoke machine.

I'll get it back to you right after the party.

That'd be great.

Please don't. I beg you. Don't.

Don't bring it back.

Hey, Phil, are you getting a clown for today?

Oh, no, Luke-- Luke's not much of a clown fan.

- Really? - Yeah, he never liked them.

Has he ever seen a good one?

Has-- has anyone?

Really? So, anyway, thanks again.

Okay, yeah, see you later.

No clown? No-- no clown?

Let it go.

Who throws a party without a clown?

Since the late '30s, I'd say most people.

You know what? We haven't gotten Luke a present yet.

Maybe a clown could be our present.

Cameron, Cameron, if Phil and Claire

wanted to get Luke a clown, they would've.

This is not our party.

- But-- - This is not our party.

But-- fine.

What would you suggest we get him, then?

Get him a gift card.

- A gift card? - Yeah.

Who hurt you?

Hey, Gloria, you got any idea

how to wrap one of these things?

Is that a crossbow?

Yeah. Am I the greatest grandpa in the world or what?

We can't give Luke a crossbow.

He pokes himself in the eye every time he uses a straw.

Are you kidding? I had one when I was his age.

My dad used to give me a quarter for every crow I bagged.

And I used to have a machete, but times have changed.

He'll be fine. I'll teach him how to use it.

Hey, pal. How's it going?

- Am I charming? - Oh, boy.

Of course you're charming. Who said you were not charming?

No one, but there is a girl in my school,

and I want her to like me.

I need your advice, Jay.

Really?

She's gonna be at Luke's party.

Well, I'm... a little thrown.

I mean, you don't usually come to me for advice.

Well, this is one area in which you've done pretty well.

He has a point.

I've tried everything to get her attention--

Opening doors, having a milk sent over in the cafeteria.

Nothing has worked.

Here's the deal.

Girls don't go for all that romantic stuff.

They go for power and success.

And since you don't have either one of those things,

you're gonna be the funny guy.

No, no, no, no, no.

I-I want the most dangerous reptile you've got.

I have an iguana that eats crickets.

That'd be scary if it was a birthday party for crickets.

Seriously, Jungle Tanya,

I need you to step it up a notch.

Is there anything that scares the cocoa out of you?

Uh, not really.

I do have a bearded dragon.

- Ooh. Does it-- - No, it does not breathe fire.

Well, then, we're back to square one, aren't we?

I couldn't get Luke out of my mind.

I know I made a promise to Mitchell,

but some things are bigger than promises.

Fizbo would be at that party.

Hello, old friend.

It all happened so fast.

I keep thinking there was something I could've done.

Oh, don't blame yourself.

Who could have possibly seen it coming?

Sweetie, t-that's a rock wall.

Is that even safe? Oh, my God.

Honey, relax.

Hey, has anyone ever gotten hurt on one of these things?

I don't know, man. It's my first day.

See? They wouldn't let the new guy do it if it weren't--

- That did not make me feel better. - Don't worry, I signed

like a hundred releases.

When did we decide all this? I-I think it's too much.

See, I knew you'd say that. That's why I didn't tell you.

So just relax. Grab a snow cone.

- There's a snow-cone machine? - Yeah.

Mom, just so you know, Dylan cannot have mayonnaise.

That's random. Why are you telling me that?

Uh, 'cause he's coming to the party.

Is that absolutely necessary?

Yes, because she can't go 10 minutes

without her boyfriend's tongue in her mouth.

It's like he's feeding a baby bird.

Don't be so jealous.

I'm sure you'll meet someone super hot at computer camp.

- Girls. - Hey, hey.

So, what you got there?

Oh, these are supplies for the crafts table.

I finally figured out what we're gonna be making.

Kids bored?

I'm teasing. I'm teasing.

It looks good. What-- what is it?

Comb sheaths.

I know, I know.

But we made them when I was 11 years old

at Donna Rigby's birthday party.

At first, we thought it was really stupid,

and then we had a blast, so...

How could you not?

You combined the two things that kids love the most--

Combs and sheaths.

I'm kidding!

Where's my comb?

Oh, here it is,

in my incredibly convenient beaded comb sheath

that I made at Luke's awesome birthday party.

Hole in one, Mrs. Dunphy. Hole in one.

I'm home.

I got Luke a video game, but it's about math,

so... guess we're those kind of uncles.

Cam?

Don't be mad.

Oh... Cam, I...

I've known I wanted to be a clown

since I found out clowns were just people with makeup.

Um, as a matter of fact, by the time I was a teenager,

if I wasn't in school or fishin', I was clownin'.

There are four types of clowns--

A tramp, an auguste, a whiteface, and a character.

I am a classically trained auguste clown named Fizbo.

- What? - N-nothing.

Between the clownin' and the-- the fishin',

I'm surprised you had time for the schoolin'.

Oh, and there's the fifth type, the sad clown.

The sad clown is a tramp.

So there's still only four types.

Okay.

Cam, I thought we discussed this.

We did, but I-I started thinking.

And this isn't about you or me.

This is about a little boy who deserves some happiness.

And he's gonna get that from his weird gay-clown uncle?

Fizbo is not gay, he's asexual.

- Ah. - H-he's an innocent whose only drive

is to bring people joy and laughter and balloon animals.

He's-- he's the least sexual being on Earth.

Oh.

Oh, okay, we, at least we agree on something, yeah.

If this tape is found in the future,

this is how we humans celebrated birthdays.

Hey, Dad!

Yeah, there's my boy,

zip line extreme-- Oh!

Ugh!

I'm okay. I'm good.