Whitney

Alex, I got a lot of 35!

There is no Alex.

Hi, I am Hans, your favorite foreign exchange student.

Well, hello, Hans, it's been a while.

We've missed you at our high school.

Yes, how has the cheerleading been going?

Have you been telling the football team

to play defense und be aggressive--

be, be, be aggressive?

Well, uh, I was actually made the captain

of the cheerleading team after Sally had a baby

in the bathroom.

Uh, how were your travels?

Oh, they were magnificent and comprehensive.

I have circled the globe to try and find someone

as beautiful as you,

und I have failed.

Oh, well, maybe we should go do it

on the guschtenflauden.

Oh! What the heck is a guschtenflauden?

You're silly.

It's a German word for table.

- Oh. - Yeah, I kn German.

Shh... Yeah.

Oh, somebody needs more tutoring, it seems like.

- Oh, yeah. - Come with me over to

- the guschtenflauden. - Okay.

Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience.

You heard me.

Maybe I'll get a smoothie, or maybe I'll get a super smoothie.

I feel like my body probably needs all that crap.

Yeah, but what is the "ah-sa-yee" berry?

What is that? Is that gonna stick around?

'Cause I feel like I got into Goji berry

and then it just, you know, went away--

wow.

What?

You totally checked her out.

- Who? - Who?

Spongeboob sweatpants.

I-I didn't see who you're talking about.

Sorry, I don't know.

You ogled her,

and while I was sharing my feelings with you.

That's--that's pretty rude.

I didn't ogle anyone, Whit.

Alex.

I was looking to see if he was refilling that half-and-half.

No, you weren't.

Just admit that you checked her out.

No, I don't even know who you're talking about.

Honestly.

So you're sticking with that story?

- I'm sticking with the truth. - Okay, okay.

Why is he lying about it? I know what I saw.

****.

He's like a girl with his 2%.

Well, it's better than my ex-husband's move

of checking out hot chicks and then having intercourse

with them in my saab.

It's so weird, Neal doesn't check out other women.

That is so weird, and so not true.

Okay.

Love the top. Hate the jeans.

The jeans are mine.

What happened to the black miniskirt I gave you?

Oh, I took that back to the children's department

where it belongs.

Roxanne, you're single again, okay?

You need to recalibrate your thinking.

Like, your Facebook page is just sad.

The only two pictures you have on there

are of your niece and Michelle Obama.

It's true, guys look at your page and your last update

was "frowny face, I just paid $3 for gas."

I only go on Facebook to play scrabble.

It takes my mind off...My mind.

Trust me, okay?

Facebook is, like, the most important part of dating.

You need new pictures that show how funny and smart you are.

So put this on.

That shirt is like catnip,

and the cats are douchebags.

It's good.

You know, I'm not even mad that Alex checked out that girl,

I'm just annoyed that he lied to me about it.

If you wear something like this,

he'll admit to anything.

My mom always says,

"when in need, show your cleave."

Is that supposed to rhyme?

Why do you always focus on the wrong thing?

No, it's just 'cause your mom's an actual poet,

like, as a career.

Okay. Okay.

So you did check her out, right?

Of course, yeah. She was hot.

And her cleavage was aggressive, and she was wearing

those sweatpants with the words on the butt.

- What words? - I don't know.

I'll never know.

She sounds awesome, man.

Wheels up!

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

I'm trying out new catchphrases.

Stupid new guy down at the station said,

"let's do this thing," and it really took off.

Yeah, that still doesn't really explain it.

Well, thank you for the heads-up.

Fights tend to bleed from one girlfriend to another,

so I'm ordering Lily something.

Just putting out the fire before it starts.

Wheels up, wheels up.

- Flowers? - No, edible arrangement.

Lily's got a thing for fruit that comes in cute shapes.

What is she, a gay grandpa?

I don't know,

I thought about telling Whitney the truth.

You should, you did nothing wrong.

We're men, we have needs,

we look at boobs.

Deal with it, ladies of America!

Boobs!

No!

Admitting that you looked at another woman

is an open invitation

to exploring your girlfriend's insecurities.

"Was she prettier than me?" "Is she skinnier than me?"

"Do you think I have man hands?"

Yeah, it's trickier with Whitney too,

'cause she has three times the daddy issues

'cause she has three times the dads.

- Whatever you do, deny. - Yeah, you're right.

Why is his opinion always more important than mine?

Uh, because he invests my money and doesn't yell out

"boobs!" In public.

- Hmm? - Hey, Whit.

- Hi. - What are you eating?

It's Lily's edible bouquet.

I don't understand why people send these things.

Aren't they kind of offensive?

It's like, "I'd send you chocolate,

but you should probably lose a couple pounds."

Yeah, take that, adorable snack.

Look, about that girl earlier,

I don't want you to feel like you have to lie to me

about these kind of things, so if you just admit

that you checked her out, I'll just drop this whole thing.

Whit, it's been like five hours since I've seen you last.

Nothing new has annoyed you yet?

Nothing that knocked you out of first.

Are we really still talking about this?

Yeah, I just want you to be honest with me.

I thought he was putting 2%

in the half-and-half.

Seriously! You think I am an idiot.

No, I don't think you're being an idiot,

I just think you're taking this a little bit too far.

No, I just want you to be honest with me, I--

you know I'm not a complete moron, I'm not.

- It's really just-- - Shh!

Okay.

You just shushed me.

Great!

I'll "shh."

You're about to be knee-deep in "shh."

I can "shh" like nobody else.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

'Cause you know it means the exact opposite

of what you're doing right now?

Come on, Whit,

let's just order in some dinner, okay?

What do you feel like having? We can get whatever you want.

Whitney?

Whit?

Wah!

Am I actually getting the silent treatment?

Is that what this is?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what's happening, huh?

All right, well, I definitely know how this goes.

Uh, hey, Whitney, what do you want for dinner?

I don't care Alex, I'm such

an easygoing girlfriend.

Okay, Whit, what about Chinese food?

Well, can we all just agree

that there is no such thing as good Chinese food?

M.S.G.? Seriously?

Like restaurants actually have to advertise not putting poison

in their food?

Oh yeah, Whit, I forgot, you have such strong opinions

about Chinese food.

What about Sushi?

Whoa, just wait a gol-darn minute.

Why? So I can overdose on Mercury and grow another neck?

All right, let's just skip the whole idea

and go into the bedroom and have sex.

Oh, my gosh, that's such

a good idea, Alex.

I love having sex with you,

but you make it last so long.