Modern Family

Okay, Lily, sweetie, do you want me to pack

your bathing suit for the party?

Only if you want to wear it.

Is that the sass we love or the backtalk we hate?

- Unclear. - Yeah.

You know, there's a fine line between quippy and mean.

I show her "Golden Girls." It's just not sinking in.

Okay. Honey?

Honey, it's gonna be fun.

Longines said lots of kids

- are gonna be there. - Yeah.

Exactly. I'm not gonnawear a bathing suit

in front of a bunch of judgy tweens.

Ah.

It's Daddy time.

Now?

Shouldn't we go talk to Lily?

Oh.

- Hey! - Hey!

Aw, hell.

Honey, what have we always taught you?

Love who you are, as you are.

Yes! Being comfortable in your skin

is the most attractive thing.

I mean, look at us.

We're hardly Christy Turlington

- and Naomi Campbell... - Could've picked dudes.

...but we know what we have to offer,

and we're proud of it.

Look, it's important that you go to this party

and you... you feel good about who you are.

I mean, you have a gorgeous body. No, thank you.

Yeah, you're a little hottie!

- Pass! - I mean, if I were

a cartoon wolf and I saw you,

my eyes would be like "Aah‐ooo‐gaa!"

Stop!

I will go if you never talk to me like this again.

Hmm.

*MODERN FAMILY* Season 11 Episode 04 Episode Title: "Pool Party"

So, Mr. Boss, how did I do at the open house?

Uh, honestly?

Your vibe was kinda tense and the staging was so‐so.

This is big time, Gloria. You're not a homemaker anymore.

I need you baking cookies, fluffing pillows,

being bright and cheery for our guests.

Son of a preacher man! Someone stole our sign again!

What kind of sick mind messes with a man's livelihood?

You're kidding. Another one?

I'm afraid so, Lindsay.

Who keeps taking our signs?

Don't worry, Sam, we're going to find out.

Miss, do you have any enemies?

Are you in a blood feud?

Gloria.

Have you recently joined a political opposition?

I‐I‐lf... If I may... Lindsay, we're gonna get you a new sign,

um, find out who's doing this, and put a stop to it.

Okay, G, time to let you in

on the dark underbelly of our business.

Someone is trying to take money from my pockets,

and I need to find out who.

Do you need me to go and shake some trees for you?

I did that kind of job in Colombia.

I didn't get paid, but I got great references,

and my cousin got to keep one ear.

Oh, I‐I‐I‐I'll handle it.

Okay. But I do need you to replace that sign ASAP.

A‐A post without a sign is so humiliating.

Oh, did it sell?

No! This is anarchy! Oh!

Keep going!

My internship with Phil is almost over.

He said that he would hire me full time if I did good.

So, I need to find who's stealing his signs

to prove my worth.

Luckily, I have a plan.

A couple of weeks ago, Jay put a tracker thingy on Stella

because she kept getting out.

She was down the block, mooning over that Chihuahua again.

I mean, what does she see in him?

He thinks he's so cool

with that dumb handkerchief around his neck.

I'm going to steal Stella's tracker,

and I'm gonna hide it on the sign to catch the crook.

And then maybe Stella will get some alone time

with her Chihuahua.

With that pushed‐in face,

she could do a lot worse than a Latin lover.

Here you go, Ms. Dunphy.

Nice and hot, like you like it.

He's nice and hot, like I like it.

‐Mom. ‐Wow.

No, it's cool. Time's up for dudes, not us.

I mean, how great is this?

The Dunphy ladies crushing life, having it all.

Okay, take it down a notch. We know what you're doing.

My mom was trying to show us

how great it is to be a working woman

'cause she knows how torn I am about leaving my babies.

It's like, oh, it'll break my heart to be away from them,

but as a feminist,

I want to show those snarky bitches at the office

how fast my body bounced back.

Mom obviously wants me

to take this big corporate job offer I got,

but they're all so corrupt and mercenary.

I want to use science to improve the world,

like I did in Antarctica.

Back off, you disgusting snow chicken!

Do not with me!

Alex, Antarctica made you miserable,

and, Haley, you were really blossoming at work.

And I get it, but I regret not going back to work sooner,

and I don't want you to resent your children.

Like you did?

As was the fashion at the time.

Work.

Everybody needs Claire.

I love it.

Hey, Margaret. What's going on, sweetie?

I'm here with our lawyer.

Apparently, there's been some kind of a data breach.

She'd like you to swing by.

Well, that's gonna have to wait till Monday

because I am having lunch downstairs with my girls.

So, you enjoy your new hummingbird feeder.

I am loving those pics.

She's a bit of a cautionary tale.

Haley, you have to admit it feels good

to put on nice clothes and get out in the world

and not have anyone pawing at your boobs for two seconds.

Oh, God, yes!

Dylan is really going through something.

I think he might be regressing.

To what?

And, Alex, I know what that company is offering you.

Doesn't it feel nice to be wanted?

Of course it does, but I don't want to sell out.

There is nothing wrong with taking care of Alex first.

Hey, you can save the world on the weekends

with all the money you're gonna make.

Sing it with me.

We don't know what that is.

Are you making this up?

Sorry to interrupt.

- Hi, girls. - Hi.

I need to borrow your mom for a bit.

Okay.

So, you know how our smart closets have scanning cameras

so people can try on clothes virtually?

Uh‐huh. Apparently, we have been recording people

without their knowledge.

Or their clothes.

Oh, my God.

I have one of those closets.

Oh. I‐I talk sexy to the mirror in there.

What if those movies get out?

I can't have my mother seeing them.

- Okay, hang on. - Mm‐hmm.

Hey, girls, I'm gonna be back in a sec.

I'm just gonna run upstairs and sing "Happy Birthday" to Josie.

Just make her day.

God, work is so rewarding.

I almost forgot what her face looks like

when she's telling the truth.

Yeah.

Come on, Manny!

Where the hell's your mother?

That's what you're wearing to my club?

I'm headed right for the spa,

and their robes stink like old rich guys...

cigars, Scotch,

and the panicked sweat of impending irrelevance.

Easy, Hemingway, we earned that smell.

iHola!

Finally, she's here! Hurry! We're gonna be late!

I am sorry. I'm only here for a few seconds.

I have to go back to work.

Again?

Jay, I finally found a job that I love.

That's why I've been humping my bust.

- Is that the right way... - No. No. No, no. It's not.

I promise you, I am all yours this afternoon.

Eh. Stella, mama!

You're gonna take good care of my boys, right?

You're gonna take good care.

Don't patronize her.

Be a constant presence in her life

or you'll stoke her abandonment issues.

Gloria's been working a ton,

so I've been picking up the slack at home, which is fine.

It's just, even when she's here, she's not here.

Guess what happened today.

So, I'm at the park with Joe.

Now, you know all the nannies think that Dakota's mom

and Luca's dad are "twisting the sheets"?

Well, this morning, they came together, sipping coffees,

leaning up against the jungle gym,

giggling like it's nothing.