Left Right and Centre

[bright uplifting orchestral music playing]

Westminster. The House of Commons.

Every nation they say, gets the government it deserves.

But if that isn't a sobering thought. Beneath that noble roof, my friends,

sit 600 MPs made up for the most part of Conservatives and Socialists.

I might sum up the enormous difference between the two by saying that,

whereas the Conservative philosophy is the exploitation of man by man,

with the Socialists, it is exactly the other way around.

Behind those dedicated 600, stand the voters who put them there.

And heavy indeed is the responsibility that they bear.

Let's take a look at them for a change.

Up in the typical parliamentary borough of Earndale,

they're having a by-election next month,

and I can assure you,

that you will find the electors of Earndale,

as intelligent as any in the country.

Accustomed as they are to exercising their keen judgement,

on matters of national importance.

Alert as they are to the social problems of the day.

Impartial and full of the spirit of British fair play.

Call yourself a referee? Get out of here!

Mature, serious minded, intelligent citizens as you'd expect.

For are they not the inheritors of 3,000 years of civilization and culture?

Oh yes.

The eyes of the country are on Earndale, alright.

And Earndale, I am sure, has but one thought in mind.

Ladies and gentlemen,

tonight we bring you this week's edition of our popular panel game,

"What on Earth Was That?"

Good evening. Here we are again with a brand new set of sound effects

to challenge the panel who are as usual your good friends,

Gilbert Harding...

How do you do?

Josephine Douglas...

Hello.

Carol Carr...

Good evening.

And Robert Wilcot.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen.

Well, I'm sorry to tell you that Bob Wilcot

is making his last appearance with the panel until further notice,

for the very interesting reason

that he's just been adopted as Conservative candidate for Earndale.

Bob, we shall miss you very much.

Yes indeed.

They're always asking me.

Thank you Eamonn, thank you Gilbert. Thank you.

You've been with us a long time now Bob.

Over a year Eamonn.

Do you remember your first TV appearance?

Oh, I certainly do.

Well before we begin, we have a little surprise for you.

- -

Hold tight Bob.

You'd just come back from the combined universities

Antarctic research expedition, remember?

But he doesn't always wear a beard.

You're the naturalist of the party, I believe Mr. Wilcot.

Er, yes. That is correct.

Well now, what was it like down there?

Erm. What was it like? Cold.

What was your job?

Erm. Well, I concentrated on various forms of Antarctic life you know,

erm, of Antarctic life.

In fact... I... Various forms of life in the Antarctic.

Including penguins?

Oh yes, yes. Penguins are very much my cup of tea.

Oh purely scientifically speaking, of course.

If one can have a scientific cup of tea,

which I don't suppose one can really.

But if you could then I would.

- What was the question again? - What?

Well you've come a long way since that day Bob.

- I was only a beginner then Eamonn. - Well you all know the rest.

The following week, he appeared on Tonight,

the week after that, he joined the panel of What On Earth was That?

And now he's plunging into politics.

I think if it is felt, in inviting one,

that one has something to offer, then one should offer that something,

whatever that something may happen to be.

Yes... Well I'm sure you all appreciate Bob's sincerity.

Well now we really must get on.

You all know the rules. All against all. Highest score wins.

What on earth was that?

Oh some improbable rubbish. Greyhound derby. Summit conference.

Erm. Fox terriers perhaps?

Dog foxes.

Well Bob. What was that?

Yes. Well that was the branta leucopsis or barnacle goose.

It breeds in Greenland and Spitsbergen,

and visits the Inner and Outer Hebrides in winter.

Absolutely correct. First...

Ah ha. Well my boy, you certainly signed off with a bang tonight didn't you?

The luck was on my side Gilbert.

- Here you are. - No thank you.

- When are you going to Earndale? - Tomorrow morning.

- Straight fight against Labor isn't it? - That's right.

Ah. And who's your opponent?

- A Miss Stoker. - Miss Stoker.

- She ever appeared on television? - Not that I know of.

Well that fixes her, doesn't it? See? You'll win in a canter.

I always say the party who'll win the next election,

is the one that nails its flag to the television mast.

What's she like this Miss Stoker?

Oh one of those bluestocking battle-axes I gather.

- Thank you. - One at a time girls. Please.

There you go.

- Lovely fresh haddock. Best quality. - How much?

- Fifteen bob. - Charge me 12.

- Do me a favor will you. - I'll give you 13.

Now look the price is 15 bob, you fellas, not a penny less.

- I'll give you 14 for five. - They're yours. That's five away to you.

- Dad! - Stella!

- Dad! - Hello Stella girl.

- Leaving? - That's right Jim.

I'm just gonna say goodbye to Dad.

Stella's going now Alf.

- Jim. Take over for a minute will you? - Okay.

Try to get rid of them yellow cod. I'll take half a quid.

- So you're off to Earndale? - Bill's driving me to the station.

I wish I could pop down there with you Stella,

but I look like being in trouble for the next week or two.

- I'll manage. - Yes I'll bet you will.

Not that I ever thought any daughter of mine would put up for Parliament!

We've always been such a respectable family.

Well. Goodbye Stella love.

And win or lose, I'm proud of you.

- Speech! Speech! -

I don't have the time.

Well. I can't promise you I'll win,

because well, after all it is my first try. But I will promise you one thing

and that is that I'll put up a jolly good fight.

You'll win Stella!

See you in the House of Commons.

And don't forget to take a tenner off the beer!

Bye.

- Oh Bill we'll never get out. - Oh that's alright.

What time did you say your train was?

- Half past. - Oh we'll do it easy.

- Alright? - Mm-hmm.

Telegraph and Mail, please.

Bobby!

Darling!

What are you doing here?

You don't think I'd let you go without seeing you off?

Are you taking breakfast in the diner, sir?

- Yes, that's right. - I'll go and get you a seat.

Righty-o.

Darling, I'm thrilled to the absolute marrow you've been chosen to be an MP.

I'm not an MP yet, Annabel, dear,

just a candidate.

But you're bound to get in, Bobby. You're so frightfully attractive.

Especially to me.

Now, Annabel, you must not start all that over again.

It's not the real me you feel that way about,

you're just mesmerized by the public figure.

Oh, Mr. Wilcot, may we just have a picture, sir?

Oh, you think anybody's interested?

If the two of you just does up.

Is Miss Brentwood going down to Earndale with you, Mr. Wilcot?

Well, I'd simply love to.

No, no, no, she's far too busy modeling.

- Two, sir? - No, just one, please.

- This way, sir. - Thank you.

Oh, there's a nice seat, still. Sit down and I'll go and get you something to read.

Oh, the new ... please, Bill.

Okay. He's putting your bags down at the end.

I won't be a minute.

Are you two expecting to make any announcement?

- What of? - Oh, Bobby, really.

Any announcement would be premature.

Well, just the teeniest bit premature.

- We are merely good friends. - Dear friends.

I've reserved you a seat, sir. Number five in the diner.

Oh, thank you, Porter.

- Well, thank you very much, Mr. Wilcot. - Right-o!

- There we are. - Thank you, sir.

Well... Time I got on the train. Bye-bye, Annabel.

Oh, it's alright, darling. I've got a platform ticket.

Here you are, Stell.

The train's due to leave in a minute. Anything else I can get you?

I don't think so. It was sweet of you to see me off.

What on earth's this? Women's Dream?

Well... I thought you'd might like it.

There's an article on page 10 about infant welfare.

You know, in my opinion, you'd do well to settle down and raise a family.

- With your cooperation, I suppose. - Well, that's the general idea.

Oh, well, think it over anyway.

I have, Bill. You know that.

Why won't you let me come up, Robert? I'm madly keen to help the Liberals.

Annabel, I have mentioned this before, dear,

I'm not a Liberal, I'm a Conservative.

- Oh. -

- Oh well. - Oh well. There I go, I'm afraid.

Bye-bye, Annabel.

Mm.