Madness the Pilot

It's the first day of Madness' first term of office, and the boys are moving in.

This one's heavy.

I thought Lee was meant to help us with that.

He was.

That's typical of him, he's never around when there's any work to be done.

- I resent that. - What are you doing there?

You told me to come along in the case.

No, Lee, we told you to come along in case.

In case we needed any help to carry the case.

You mean I've carried you and your saxophone all the way from Kentish Town?

You ought to be glad I don't play the piano.

Good point.

The tea's on the table, lads.

Beds, where are the cups?

We haven't unpacked them yet.

No sugar!

That's great, we don't all take sugar you know!

Hello, Queenie? Yeah, it's Suggs, your first minister.

Just a quick call to tell you we've moved the cabinet to Camden.

Yes, certainly closer to our roots.

You know, route to the boozer, route to the offlicence, that sort of thing.

Listen Lizzie, when we've settled in a bit, why don't you pop over?

We can all get legless and do a curry. You will? Great!

Don't bring Bill though, him and Lee wouldn't get on.

Quite right. Says he's head of the World Wildlife Fund?

He never comes to any of my parties.

Quick, give me a piece of paper, I've just heard a great Jimmy Young recipe.

I know how to make a Jimmy Young.

Just change your surname to Young,

marry someone, have a child, call it Jimmy.

Ah, nice try brainbox, but this is a recipe by Jimmy Young,

for alcoholic Yorkshire Pudding.

Ah, well write it on the back of the secret plans for making a bomb,

we don't need them. - Oh, thanks.

But shouldn't we burn those plans?

I mean, some evil maniac might try to nick them.

I certainly hope so, Woody, or this is going to be a very boring story.

Good, let's get down to business then, shall we?

Prime minister, I don't want to scare you, but BOO!

What is it, chancellor?

Unfortunately, I've got to tell you that we as the government

are expected to deliver a party political broadcast in thirty seconds.

A party political broadcast in thirty seconds?

Yes, and on our first day it's got to be just as good as any other parties'.

Well, in that case, we've got fifteen seconds to spare.

Let's go and have a cup of tea.

- So Mole, you know that plan? - Yes of course.

We sneak in while the sideboard is making its broadcast,

and pinch the plans from the top of the cabinet.

- No, the other way around. - Oh, I obey.

We sneak in while the sideboard is making its broadcast...

You fool! We sneak in while the cabinet is making its broadcast,

and take the plans from the top of the sideboard.

- Oh, I see, yes. - Good.

Then let us go forward in the work

of our attractively shaped leader, doctor Maniac.

Hail doctor Maniac! He's good looking and dresses nicely!

Hail doctor Maniac! He's outrageously evil in many ways indeed!

And now, a party political broadcast on behalf of madness.

As the prime minister, I've been asked to give an address to the nation.

And the address that I've chosen to give,

is mrs. Hilda Carmichael of 104 The Old Kent Road, London N3.

Hilda lives alone, and hasn't received any letters for ages.

It would be lovely if you could just drop her a line and wish her well.

By the way, thanks for voting Madness, the party that actually cares.

Hear, hear. Well said prime minister.

Don't look so pleased with yourselves, the bomb plans have been stolen!

Who could have done such a cruel, careless, and senseless thing?

Someone cruel, and careless, and senseless, I should imagine.

Clear thinking, brainbox. And that's who we've got to look for.

- Salute your leader! - All hail doctor Maniac!

- The evil one... - The evil one!

And future glorious leader of all Camden.

And future glorious leader of all Camden!

Right, now let's get down to business.

Right, now let's get down to business!

You can stop repeating me now.

You can stop repeating me now!

Your days, Worm, are numbered.

Right, now, the bomb plans. Do you have them sir?

I have, oh divine one.

Do not call me divine one. People will think we're wonky or something.

- Now, the bomb plans. - Burp has them for safety, master.

- Good. Burp? - Yes?

- Yes what? - Yes what you want mate?

- Mate? Thug? - Yes boss?

I think it's time we taught Burp here some manners.

OK boss. Right, Burp.

First thing, always hold your hand before your mouth before you yawn or sneeze.

Also, hold open doors for people and never take your soup bowl to your mouth...

That's enough manners. Now hit him!