Grantchester

What the dickens...?

Who left the butter out to melt, for goodness' sake?

- Let's say for a minute I'm God. - Why would we ever say that?

I'm God and you're Adam.

How are we going to go about finding your Eve, Sidney?

God didn't find Eve. He made her.

Whooo!

Made her? I never did fathom that.

Why a rib?

Why not something you wouldn't miss, like a... a bit of hair?

Or a toe?

And the toe, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman.

Man cannot live by bread alone, if you get my meaning, Sidney.

I never fail to get your meaning, Geordie.

Ohh!

Dickens!

You're not getting any younger.

Those looks of yours will fade. You'll get a paunch.

YOU can talk.

Hair will stop growing on your head and start growing out of your ears.

It's most disconcerting when that happens.

Come on, girls! We're going!

Yeah, what is it with the ear hair?

It's penance. For your sins.

- One day you'll look back, sad and alone... - Hairy ears.

.. hairy ears, and think, 'If only I'd let Geordie find me a girl.'

- It's a woman he needs, not a girl. - Oh, fine! Find me a woman!

- All right, then. - Good.

I will.

Excellent.

Onward Christian soldiers

Marching as to war

With the cross of Jesus

Going on before...

My lovely boy!

Are you drunk?

- I've had two perries! - You're drunk!

Marching as to war...

Oh, Christ on a bike!

It's your day off. You're not going in.

Phil, it's my day off. I'm not going in.

- Sidney John Chambers? - Yes.

An allegation of sexual assault has been made against you.

You're not obliged to say anything, but what you say may be put in to evidence.

Can't keep you away, can we?

- Married yet, Mr Chambers? - No.

- Got yourself a girl? - No.

I bet they're flinging themselves at you.

- Lucky bastard. - Who's made this allegation?

Straight down to business, is it?

Abigail Redmond?

- What's she said? - Pretty little thing. Nicely developed.

- Don't tell me you haven't looked. - What's she said?

Her father came across her diary.

All sorts about you in there, apparently.

Tell him what's in there.

Well according to her father,

you told Abigail she was beautiful. Took her to the pictures.

You put your hand under her blouse.

That's not true.

Then there's the sneaking about, the hotel rooms.

Ask him about the hotel rooms.

Did you ever take Miss Redmond to the Allen House Hotel?

No!

- Did you force her to perform sexual acts? - No!

Did you have intercourse with her?

No.

You always make out you think the best of people.

Do you know what I think?

I think you're as judgmental as the rest of us.

You judged Abigail Redmond.

Deemed her an easy target. Then you bedded her.

That's...

She's lying.

- She's lying! - Why lie in a diary?

I don't know. Ask Abigail!

No-one's seen her since this morning, Sidney.

Her or her diary.

Wouldn't happen to know where she is, would you?

No.

Bring me a Bible, I will swear on it.

I don't think there's any need for that sort of rigmarole.

I'm satisfied, are you?

Pleasure as always, Mr Chambers.

- Margaret. - Constable.

Nice arse on her, that one.

- For a secretary. - Hearing's not too bad either.

Mr Chambers. We won't be needing you any further.

Sign here, please.

- Bible stories? - Bible stories! I mean, really!

- If you don't want it, don't take it. - Doesn't even have the good bits.

'Then went Samson to Jerusalem and saw there an harlot...

.. and went in unto her.'

- Abi! - Samson went to Gaza, not Jerusalem.

Have you ever been unto a harlot?

Have you lain with a woman?

You always take things too far.

Have you read it? The diary?

- No. - Has Benson?

Has anyone?

Just the father.

So I was arrested on hearsay? Is that what you're telling me?

Why is she doing this?

No one'll believe it. If it's her word against yours.

Yes, they will. There's no smoke without fire.

- Isn't that the way these things work? - You have a visitor.

Sam?

Bloody hell! How are you?

Good! Good to see you.

- Geordie, this is Sam Milburn. - Oh. Any relation to Jackie Milburn,

- the footballer? - You're not the first to ask.

I get it all the time.

Starting to wonder if I should lie, save the looks of disappointment.

A little rebellion now and again's no bad thing.

I learnt that from Sidney.

The Archdeacon's heard. He's sent you to check up on me.

He can be an insufferable arse sometimes.

- Sometimes? - The merest hint of scandal,

he's all over it like a rash.

I'm finding Abigail.

Mr Chambers! Come and dance!

He's too old to dance.

- Where's Abigail? - How old are you, Mr Chambers?

Is this one of her jokes?

- Where is she? - She went to get the photographs.

- What photographs? - Had them done with that bloke who takes the school portraits.

Yeah. Yeah, that's the one.

It's Daniel Marlowe's studio.

Abi?

Abi?

Jesus, Sidney!

She's 15!

It's hard to tell these days.

Does God forgive anything?

How bad do you have to be before he won't forgive you?

I'd say pretty bad.

And what if you can't forgive yourself?

Abigail! Get in the car!

Don't make me go home.

What are you afraid of?

Your mother's waiting.

Abigail, what are you afraid of?

Neighbours saw Marlowe last night. Leaving in a hurry, by all accounts.

- No sign of the diary? - No. Nothing.

He squeezed so hard, the bastard nearly broke her collar bone.

Right. I want to know who he's working for,

who he's shagging, shoe size if it helps us find him.

I let her down.

Only you would think that.

It's her parents.

Oh, shit.

Sidney! They don't want to see YOU!

- Sir! - My daughter's missing. I need to talk to him.

She was afraid to go home, Geordie. She was afraid of him.

Oi!

- What's he done? - He's done nothing. You leave him.

He had nothing to do with this.

Mr Redmond, we found Abigail.

Oh, God.

- I'm so sorry. - Don't say it. I'm not ready.

- Oh, my God! - I'm not ready.

I'm not ready.

More visitors?

You'd best make yourself presentable.

Did you ever meet the Rector of Stiffkey?

- I don't think so. - I can't say I did.

As you know he had a rather hands-on way of dealing with fallen women.

Sadly had to be defrocked.

Would you believe, after that, he preached from inside a cage of lions?

Archdeacon, I have work to do, so...

And such good work you've been doing. It hasn't gone unnoticed.

No, what I'm trying to say in a roundabout sort of way...

is that in my opinion we were too hasty with Stiffkey.

I believe we should always make a presumption of innocence.

Sidney is innocent. The police let him go.

- That's as maybe. - There's no case for him to answer to.

We'll stand by him. Absolutely.

But until...

tongues have stopped wagging,

perhaps Sam could pop in now and again.

Who knows? Maybe he'll even learn a thing or two.

Why would you presume that I'm innocent?

- The girl was a liar. - Shouldn't we wonder why?

Shouldn't we ask why she lied?

I suggest your time would be best spent praying for her family.

- If you could take the funeral. - Of course.

- You've done nothing wrong. - There's Abi's friends.

Someone should be there to counsel them.

- Me? - Well, they're just kids, Leonard.

I-I was scared of kids when I was one.

Just do it, will you?

None of this is your fault, Sidney.

Vicarage.

'Three guesses what I came across in our files.

You weren't the only bloke her dad accused.'

Gary!

A few months back, I drove her home.

And that's all you did? Drive her home?

He was being a gentleman. Next thing, the police are here.

What did they accuse you of?