Kevin Can F**K Himself

Oh, simple Allison.

Previously on "Kevin Can Himself"...

I just don't know when I got so isolated from everyone.

You blew up my life. Was that just for fun?

I felt sorry for you.

I was hoping to do some computer research.

About a woman who decides to kill her husband.

I killed with oxycodone and made it look like an O.D.

These types of pills get abused.

Yeah, I've heard.

I swear I know someone.

Thank you.

Oh, it's drugs. Shit.

Dad!

I hope you still have some contacts

in the Miracles Department of the church,

because this...Oh.

...qualifies.

That is a great bag.

Very roomy.

I think he's talking about what's inside.

Please don't be alive. Please don't be alive.

Also, please don't be dead.

So, there I was, walking down the street.

No one else was around when -- boom!

This just appeared in front of me.

Kevin!

"Hart Live at the Worcester Centrum."

W-- You took that?!

The wind took it off the side of the Worcester Centrum.

And it's got your name on it,

so legally, it belongs to you.

Wow, your grasp of the legal system is so interesting.

My public defender said the same thing.

Let's hang my banner off the side of the house, yeah?

After we staple the good sheets over

anything that doesn't say "Kevin."

Why would you specify the good--

Never mind.

Alright, ideas on how we can do this?

I got my dad's towing winches.

You're a winch.

No, guys, we use the towing winches

to do a pulley system.

A "system?" Patty, we're climbing one roof.

We're not gonna take Vegas.

I know.

Neil, you shimmy up the drain pipe

and hang it off the old lightning rod.

I'm sure it doesn't do anything important.

Please be careful.

On it. Fine! Do it your way!

Oh. I'd say break a leg...

Wait, I'm stuck!...but Neil most definitely will.

My brother broke his leg.

40 megs of OxyContin, comin' up.

Remember you missed prom 'cause Neil got a concussion?

Yeah, Terrance.

That's why I didn't go to the prom.

I called ahead, you know. They should be ready.

Gotta wait all day?

You know, these pills are pricey.

I could get my hands on some generics for you.

In the future.

It's alright. Medicaid covers it.

I mean, like...

they only give you 10 of these.

So if your brother ever needs a refill,

come back and see me for the generic.

Oh, I --

No.

You got a degree.

A good job.

Don't be an idiot with this stuff, Terrance.

With what?

[Indistinct announcement over PA]

Okay, lady, let's get you out of this chair.

Ooh. You got it?

I'm not an invalid yet.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, before I forget, hand me my pocket book.

I think you'll like it.

Nobody has taken it out in ages,

so, eh, just keep it.

Thanks.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh...

Hey. You okay?

It's just this damn sciatica.

My do-gooder sister-in-law's

taken to picking up my groceries for me.

I-I-It's just hard.

Friggin' doctor visits

are too expensive without insurance,

and the pain is just --

You know, some days, it's just bad.

Judi.

I'm fine.

I'm gonna be needing some generics.

What the hell are you doing here?

I -- You've never been in here before.

I know. But I want a wash.

Like Barb gets.

No, you don't. Yes, I do.

I need them. I need it.

Why?

Back pain.

Bullshit. Okay, well, how the hell would you know?

Because you're a terrible liar. Even you don't believe what you're saying.

Oh, Jesus, why does this have to be so hard?

I don't have anything for you.

Of course you don't.

You'll have to wait till I re-up Monday afternoon.

W-- Monday?

Like, this Monday? Like, three da-- Like, 72 hours?

We all know you can do math.

Okay, that -- Monday is great.

That is amazing.

I will be here for the wash on Monday.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Okay.

But for now, get out of here.

Is it, like, dangerous or something?

No.

I'm just done being around you.

Thank you.

Here for another free coffee?

Wait, you serve free coffee here?

Uh, you keep leaving before you actually pay.

Oh, my gosh. You're right.

I -- Well, I promise to pay for this one --

and the other two.

It's been sitting for a while. Make a fresh pot.

No, no, I'm not picky.

Um...

I am sorry for the other night.

Just had a really bad day,

and you were saying some stuff that I didn't, uh --

It's not a big deal.

Wha-- No, I was rude.

When I'm around you, I feel --

I don't know -- 15, and I was a brat at 15.

So I am sorry.

It's cold. I told you I'd make a new pot.

I c-- it's not --No, no.

No, it's okay. I deserve this.

Mmm.

Mm. Mm. So stoic.

I'm sorry, too.

I think I was kinda harsh to cover the fact

that seeing you again makes me feel a little...

guilty.

Oh, yeah?

When I was working the steps with my sponsor,

I listed out people to make amends to,

and you were on there.

Maybe towards the top.

If anyone deserved a call...

I just didn't do it.

What, did you lose my number?

Nope, just a coward.

You know, I'm getting my chip in AA tomorrow night.

Eight years sober.

Eight years? Yeah.

Wow!

Feel like I don't even know this version of you.

You look the same, though.

I like that you think I'm the same.

You are.

They say to invite people to these things.

Would you come?

Consider it me making my amends.

So, you got a special occasion you wanna look nice for?

Sure, my husband's taking me to Paris.

No, this is self-care.

Woman: Last time, we did those swoopy layers.