Inspector Ike

It's the Saturday night mystery movie.

You've had a long week.

Now it's time to kick back and enjoy

a comforting tale of murder.

So pop some popcorn and warm up a fresh pot of chili

because an all-new ins pector ike starts right

Are you excited?

Oh yeah, definitely.

Hey Harry, how long is the play?

Well, let me ask you this:

How long is the workday of the average American?

Eight hours.

Bing, ding, ding, bing, bing!

Ding, ding, ding, ding.

That seems a little long.

- Well, not for a true lover of the theater.

Right. So.

Is something wrong, jan?

Just a little confused.

I'm sorry, I thought -

this is a theatrical event.

Oh no, I'm fine.

Thank you Harry.

Okay.

Harry, can you gimme a little context?

- Well, the director has taken the life of this man,

ai who works at the pizza parlor down the street and placed

it directly into the theatrical space.

So ai here is essentially going to perform an actual day

of work for us right here in this theater.

Oh!

Al's pizza.

Yeah.

You got it.

Remarkable.

Harry, I work in a restaurant.

Why would I wanna spend eight hours watching somebody do -

- you asked me to take you to a show and now you're at one.

I thought this is what you wanted.

It's a bit chilly in here, isn't it?

Here, snuggle up.

Okay.

Thank you.

Would you like some milk, jan?

Um, okay.

- I'm afraid it might have gotten a bit warm.

Well that's alright.

Thank you.

Would you like some Turkey, jan?

Um.

You seem a bit peckish.

Well, I suppose I could have a snack.

The calzone and a pierogi, same family.

It's bread, it's cheese.

It's not a different food?

. No-

how about burrito?

Calzone.

Calzone?

Yeah, same.

What about a croissant?

I don't know what that is.

Harry, you in here?

Right here.

What's with all the cloak and dagger?

You'll have to forgive me chip,

but there's something I've wanted to do for a long time.

Audition for the lead role of a new play.

Harry, congrats!

What's the show?

It's a production outta California.

I think I have a pretty good shot.

Oh, that is fantastic, Harry.

Now you didn't bring me all the way out here

on your day off just to tell me that, did you?

No, no, no.

I'm afraid I have other plans for you.

How'd you like to be my scene partner?

- You know, I told Rita I'd meet her for a bowl of chili.

Oh, your wife can wait.

I got your camera all set.

Hey, you don't mind that I borrowed your camera, do you?

Of course not.

Well, I got the camera all set up.

I just need a fresh set of eyes before I tape my audition.

Well, okay.

Anything for a friend.

That's the spirit!

Hip, hip!

Hip, hip!

Hooray.

Yeah, hip hip.

Hooray!

Hip, hip!

Hooray!

Hip, hip!

Hooray!

Oh, chip Conrad, you devil, get on up here.

Oh!

- Okay, Harry, I want you to run that line again

and put some mustard on this one.

I'm sorry, this is my choice.

I'm going to disappear and you'll never hear from me again.

Do not mourn me.

This is the way it's meant to be.

What?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

Come on man, I can take it.

Okay, well here's the thing.

The technique is there, it's there.

Okay. And I can feel you really putting the work in,

but that's the thing - it's work. It feels like work.

It looks like work.

Where's the spirit?

Where's the soul, man?

I'm doing my best.

Of course, of course.

And you're good. And we know that, okay?

"This is the way it's meant to be."

What was that?

What was that?

"This is the way it's meant to be."

Yes.

May I hear that again?

This is the way

it's meant to be.

Again.

This is the way it's meant to be.

Again.

This is the way.

It's meant to be.

Say, chip?

Would you mind switching with me?

How come?

Well, could you run all the lines?

Let me see how a master does it.

Well, I'm not the one auditioning.

I know, I know.

But I need to get outta my head

and it hurt to get a fresh take on the material.

Well, okay.

Anything for a friend, right?

- Five pheasants flew fast, five pheasants flew fast.

Five pheasants flew fast.

Hey, hey, what's with the sneaky camera work there?

- Come on chip, you wouldn't condemn me to study your

performance from memory, would you?

With video technology I can watch it

as many times as I want.

Roll camera.

This is the final message I will be sending to you.

My sadness and the incredible pressures of my profession

have driven me to this.

I'm sorry.

This is my choice.

I'm going to disappear

and you will never hear from me again.

Do not mourn me.

This is the way it was meant to be.

Goodbye.

Forever.

Good god!

Yet another reminder of why you're the star around here

and I, the lowly understudy.

Well, hey, hey, if you book this part,

I'm gonna need a new understudy.

It's really bittersweet, isn't it?

When you think about it.

- Well, you won't have to think about it for much longer.

Oh god, I should be off right now.

Rita is probably worried sick.

Yes, yes, that hot bowl of chill awaits.

Let me give you a ride.

Oh, you don't need to do that.

No, I insist, my car's parked out back.

- Well, if you don't mind taking me downtown.

- Oh no chip, it'd be my great pleasure to take you down.

Downtown.

Yes.

Down.

Town.

Downtown.

Yes. Yeah, downtown.

Yeah, go downtown.

All right.

What's with the plastic?

Harry?

Take a bow, chip.

This is your curtain call.

- Hi, I was at one of your performances this week

and I left my pocketbook and umbrella.

Theater's closed.

Can you check with the lost and found

and see if they found it?

Because I had my credit card, my money

and everything in there.

My lucky umbrella.

The theater's closed.

You're gonna have to come back later.

- Well, I live all the way in yonkers and you don't know how