The Hard Times of RJ Berger

Previously on The Hard Times of RJ Berger...

I need you to promise this is really gonna happen.

I promise, Lily.

Jenny's been my dream girl since, like, third grade.

I have to go with her.

This isn't right.

Go be with her.

For the lord is my Shepherd,

and I his faithful sheep,

following his mighty rod and staff,

bending to his will,

eating his flesh...

And as Vigo the Carpathian said in Ghostbusters II,

death is but a doorway. Time is but a window.

I'll be back.

Friends, loved ones,

let us all share a moment of silence

for a young soul taken too soon.

Everybody knows someone who's died.

That should have been me.

Pull yourself together, man. Damn.

Some go tragically, some heroically.

And some when their scooters

crash through a plate glass window at a doughnut shop.

Why, lord?

Why you had to take my baby?

Did you know Kevin was black?

He was adopted, .

Sorry.

Now let's send our beloved Kevin

to his rest by spreading his ashes

over this beautiful hillside,

where he once ran and leapt as a child.

Before his legs could no longer support the weight

of his giant...heart.

Sometimes the difference between life and death

comes down to one moment, one choice.

Off you go, son,

to run and leap with Jesus.

Oh!

Aah!

My baby!

Oh! No, no, no, no.

Ma'am, ma'am...

Oh!

Ma'am, ma'am, no.

Ma'am, that's not Kevin, that's me. Ouch.

That's attached to him, okay?

Oh, sorry I'm late, bitches.

It's kind of hard to walk

when your pelvis is where your nipples used to be.

Hi, baby!

My name is RJ Berger,

and it's time I made a choice of my own.

Dude, you see that?

This is gonna be the best semester ever.

You know, I'm feeling a whole new level of respect

since ball-beating Max.

You honestly don't think

there will be any repercussions to that?

Whatevs.

This could finally be my ticket

out of virgin prison.

Which I always thought we were gonna break out of together.

But with girls with us, right?

Call me sentimental,

but I always imagined us in a motel

high-fiving over some freshman skank.

But no, you had to go bone sleeping doodie

till she flatlined.

Dude, shut up.

No one can know about that.

Especially Jenny.

What difference does it make?

You had your shot and you blew it.

Remember you had your tongue down the prom queen's throat?

And the next minute you're dry-humping Lily's bed sores.

For the rest of my life, I'll never understand that.

It was the right thing to do.

No, it was the RJ thing to do.

Trust me.

You stick it out with Lily 'cause of guilt,

you're gonna pity-bang yourself into a pity marriage, bro.

Hey there, sexy boyfriend.

Hey, Lily.

Good news.

The doctor says I'll be able

to eat solids again in a day or two.

But until then I guess I'll just have to get by

on a liquid diet.

After all, it wasn't my mouth

that got broken in nine places.

Peace in the Middle East.

Got to go get the pus in my knees drained.

Bye.

Dude, tell me you're not seriously gonna continue this.

I can't break the girl's heart twice, dude.

What am I gonna do?

RJ, use that enormous package of yours for once.

Nut up and swing for the fences.

Can you imagine your life with Lily?

Honey, I'm home.

Hey there, sweet ass.

Hand me my butt doughnut, will ya?

My hemorrhoids are flaming

like Taylor Lautner on Fire Island.

Damn it. I think one of 'em is weeping again.

Kids, get in here.

Daddy's home before his second job.

Hi... Ugh!

You're it, Dumb-Dumb.

When did we get a dog?

That's not a dog.

I had a toilet baby this morning.

You're welcome.

Now imagine life with Jenny.

Honey, I'm home.

Hi, sweetheart. I've got your Martini.

You are the best.

No, you are.

Mwah.

Would you like a BJ now

or after you see the kids?

Can't I have both?

All right, darling,

but you're gonna get it for making me wait.

Children, your father's home.

Yay!

Darling, my old sorority friends

decided to pay a surprise visit.

Is it all right if they stay in our bed?

We love to snuggle.

Well, okay. I guess that's all right.

Yay! They can help with the BJ.

Oh, wait. The new baby's coming.

Fantastic!

See, dude, you just got to ask yourself what you want.

Doesn't matter what I want, Miles.

Look, I got my one kiss with Jenny, my dream girl,

and it was amazing,

but Lily...

She's my...

Reality girl.

And that's just the way it is.

Suit yourself.

Are you avoiding me, RJ Berger?

No. No. Hey.

Happy first day back.

I haven't talked to you since the dance.

That was quite a night.

Certainly was.

So...About what happened...

I... I don't want you to feel weird about it.

We could just go back to before.

Just, you know, the usual.

- How's Lily? - She's good. She's good.

Uh, she can go to the bathroom by herself now,

so it's good.

You're so good to be there for a friend like that.

Yeah, well, you know...

But just friends.

Attention, Pinkerton High.

Grab your wallets, 'cause we're having a fundraiser

to replace the bus that got broke before winter break.

Friday night in the gym. Bus drive.

Wait.

Lily has a billion dollars in medical bills

and can barely walk, and they're gonna raise money for the bus?

What?

Nothing, I just...

I was getting a little worried.

I didn't recognize you

until you got that whole

"RJ's gonna do something about this" look.

It's one of my personal favorites.

Good vacation, Max?

It was awesome, dork.

I had a Max-tastic time.

Now I'm back, and I'm cooler than ever.

Listen up, tube steak, 'cause there's a new rule.

All freaks stay away from Jenny Swanson.

You the most.

But you're dating Robin Pretnar.

So how could you want Jenny back?

I don't want her back.

But that doesn't mean I'm gonna let her slum it

with sub-Max losers.

Once you go Max, you never go backs.

That doesn't make any sense.

And you tell your Pillsbury life-mate butt buddy

that I haven't forgotten about the dance.

He's gonna get what's coming to him...

A grade-A ass kicking.

But with my fists.

I just don't know what to do.

Lily's great as a friend, but she wants more,

and I want something else.

I guess I'm just having trouble shaking the guilt.

Oh, shake a little harder, bud.

You got to make you happy.