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*** Subtitles by dylux ***

My world was divided into two kingdoms.

There was Camelot,

and then there was where I lived.

Stay behind the red line until you are clear.

Only those with work visas for Camelot will be allowed to pass.

Which we call Nottingham,

as in not gated, not rich, not popular, not cool.

They didn't let us into their kingdom

and they'd rarely sully themselves by venturing into ours.

On the day before my 18th birthday,

a terrible thought drifted into my head.

What if I remained a crusty nobody

for what little remained of my high school life?

My school's one of those where at least 96% of the girls

were in the hottie or high hottie bracket,

and most of the guys looked like

they wandered out of an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog.

And then there is Drew Patterson.

I have been secretly in love with him since seventh grade.

All I wanted was for him to just simply acknowledge me.

To just say my name.

But for that to happen,

for me to finish this march through hell they called high school

and go out with style, I needed skills.

I needed my Excalibur.

Information is power.

The video phone.

With such a weapon in hand, I might just have a chance at becoming a somebody.

There's just one hideous criminal mastermind standing in my way.

- (Knock on door) - Mandy, 7:22. Gonna be late.

My mom died when I was four.

And even though he loves me, Dad had issues about letting go.

You want to make some kind of noise so I know you're all right?

- (Coughs) - Thanks.

It's your birthday tomorrow, isn't it?

Yeah.

May have got a few surprises up my sleeve.

- Hello? - (Alexa) Mandy.

- Alexa? - Yeah.

What? Hello?

- I can't hear you. - What?

Okay, I can't talk now.

- Dad. - Yeah?

I hope you know how much I seriously need a new phone.

- What? - I can't even begin to scheme or spy

or conspire like everyone else. It's such a burn. I'm in high school.

- I need survival skills. - Kitten, I...

I am socially handicapped with this relic.

I can't even send or receive pictures or video.

And can you possibly stop calling me kitten?

- What? - I'm gonna be 18 years, not months.

Okay?

Don't say it, don't say it, don't say it, don't say it, don't say it.

Bye, kitten.

- Hello? - Mandy?

Cayenne.

- Have you seen Drew yet? - No, not yet.

He must have been a great warrior or a king in a past lifetime.

I could write a thousand songs about him

and I'd just be scratching the surface.

Mandy, he's right behind you.

What's up, Drew?

Good morning, Drew.

Hey, there.

Check it out.

It's kind of cute in a pathetic way.

Poor thing. Salivating over my Drew.

So sad, knowing her whole life she'll never know a hunk.

- You're mine. - (All exclaiming)

I can't believe you did that. Why didn't I think of it?

Check it out, granny panties up ahead.

This is Lisa Cross reporting live for the fashion challenged.

- (Laughing) - Nice girdle, Granny.

Evil One's cruelty knows no bounds. Your ass is on every phone in school.

Forget about him, Mandy, he's not only dating the Antichrist,

but he's upper crust. And we are trying to claw our way up to the middle-class.

He lives in a gated community.

We live in a dated community.

Mandy, are you even listening to me?

I don't care what you guys say. I'm gonna get Drew to notice me.

The swim team? That's your plan to get the Adonis of high school to notice you?

You look like a whole new species.

Maybe someone from the Discovery Channel will notice you.

Okay, the boys practice after sixth period in pool one, the girls, pool two.

It's at least a shot.

I think you actually enjoy being a klutz,

because you know how much happiness it brings to others.

Are you all right, Mandy?

My name. You said my name.

Your hands...

Though tingly, maybe inappropriately placed while we're on school property.

Right. (Chuckles)

I can't believe Drew actually noticed me.

You were dying. You were going

- into the light at his feet. - Well, it's a start.

- Hello? - Tell Mandy to hide, Lisa's here.

She's toxic. She'll put a curse on her or something.

In junior high, I heard she made it rain toads.

Alexa, what a pretty smock and a name tag.

Très chic. Very red state.

Mandy's not here right now in case you...

I already saw her.

You need to work on your lying. It's a vital social skill.

- Mandy. - Hi.

I didn't know frizzy hair was back in.

Must be so humbling.

Schlepping dog food around for minimum wage.

You are such an inspiration.

Where are the dog collars?

- (Whispering) Drew lost his. - Aisle four.

You know what she's doing, don't you?

She's trying to not so subtly show Drew you're just a lowly shop girl.

It's okay, I'm not ashamed of being a shop girl.

And caring for animals is not lowly.

Sorry about Lisa and her superiority complex.

- How you feeling? - Great.

- Thanks again for saving my life. - You're welcome.

So, you've got a thing for animals?

Yeah. Yeah, although Homo sapiens can be difficult.

I'm going to UCSB for zoology and then I'm gonna be a vet.

- How about you? - USC, business school.

The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree and all that.

- Cool, follow your dream and all that. - It's not my dream.

Maybe you can help me. My cat Andy's been feeling really funky.

Well, is his tummy pouched out, bloated?

Because if it is, he probably has worms. You might want to try this.

Six drops in every meal.

Thanks, doc. Maybe I'll see you around?

Yeah, maybe.

Where might you see me around, around where?

I don't know.

The commons, tomorrow after school?

See you.

Freshman varsity football, basketball, swim team.

Voted best hair, best eyes, best kisser.

Drew Patterson at the commons tomorrow.

Who am I kidding? I'm so not ready for this.

Mandy, do you want some breakfast?

- Hello? - Do you like it?

- Are you kidding? I love it! - Yeah, I got one, too.

- Oh, my gosh. Thanks, Daddy. - Happy birthday, kitten.

Now we can stay in contact 24/7. It's gonna be great, right?

Yeah, yeah, it'll be cool. Here, make a mean face.

- You have your own special ring tone. - All right, gift number two.

Somebody, I think, asked for...

Contacts? Oh, my gosh. You have got to be kidding.

Yes, I'm not sure why you need them. You're already too beautiful.

In fact, promise me you're not gonna go hang out

- with the delinquents at the lake. - Dad. Okay, I won't. I promise.

I cannot wait to show Alexa and Cayenne this.

Oh, my gosh. Dad, you're the best.

And I'm going to the commons right after school.

Okay, okay. Hey, wait, wait, wait.

There's one more birthday surprise, perhaps the bestest.

You know how you've been talking about going away to school, right?

Well, I think I may have found the perfect compromise.

I've been working on this for a long time. It's a duplex in Ventura.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can commute to UCSB. I can get to work.

It's the same distance, I'll show you on the computer.

Anyways, I'm down here in this level

and you have this whole top floor to yourself.

Huh?

Boy. Those two apartments

are so close.

- Right? - Yeah.

Just like you and me. It's perfect.

Hey, kitten, don't forget to floss.

I couldn't very well tell him that the concept was only

slightly less terrifying than being buried alive.

Especially after he just bought me this massively cool phone.

You are officially out of the Stone Age. You've evolved.

So, the plan is we find a suitable place for me to hang

and be irresistibly alluring.

And when we see him, we casually blurt out,

"We know where a certain sex goddess is."

Battle stations.

- (Waitress) Here you go. - Thanks.

What if he's just playing her? I mean, forgive me for feeling like

some teenage male as fresh as Drew might be a tad insincere,

but I don't want Mandy to get hurt.

And I keep schooling you, listen to the songs.

They tell all. People want to get hurt.

They're just begging to get their hearts broken.

What's up? Have you guys seen Mandy?

Oh. Um...

Hi, Drew.