Inventing the Abbotts

The end of my innocence and childhood began in 1957.

It's remarkable to me now just how little I knew then about the people around me.

It took me years to figure out exactly what the truth was...

...especially given my brother's knack at inventing facts.

My mother once told me that if the Abbotts didn't exist...

...my brother would have had to invent them.

Lloyd Abbott wasn't the richest man in town, but it seemed like he was...

...because he had three beautiful daughters: Alice, Eleanor and Pamela.

Twice a year, you'd see the big tent go up on their tennis court...

...and everyone could see that one of the Abbott girls was having a birthday...

...or graduating or going away to college.

- Here we go. Another party. - Shut up.

Every time an Abbott girl gets her period, there's a party.

Kotex parties, Kotex party hats...

My brother and I were born strangers.

Same last name, same address...

...but everything else about us was different.

Back then, Jacey was a complete mystery to me.

And I was a constant source of embarrassment to him.

Oh, Christ.

Mom!

Mom!

- Mom, he has to wash that off. - Why?

You can't let him go to the party until he does.

It'll look worse if I wash it. It's India ink. It'll turn gray.

You look like a clown! He looks like a clown and he doesn't know it.

- I thought you weren't even going. - I changed my mind.

Doug, you do understand that you may be the only person at this party...

...with artificial sideburns? - Yeah?

You do understand that they don't look real?

Yeah.

That they look really as if you'd drawn them on?

- Yeah. - It does seem that he understands...

...so just go to the party and ignore Doug.

- Have a good time. Pretend you don't... - You've got...!

Bye.

Lloyd Abbott had power in our town...

...and he didn't have to twist arms to get what he wanted.

He had a much more effective way of exercising influence.

He gave lavish parties with real Chicago musicians and fresh shrimp cocktail.

There wasn't anyone who wouldn't do almost anything to be invited.

Especially my brother.

We're going out to the lake tomorrow.

Sandy wants to show off her dad's new boat.

Why don't you come?

I...

I have to work.

I guess you'll have to write me a letter then.

What do you mean?

I'll be right back.

- Hi! - Hi!

- Nice tie. - Thanks.

- Can I borrow a Kleenex? - Greaser.

Got any smokes around here?

Ladies and gentlemen...

...I'd like to propose a toast in honor of our cause for celebration tonight:

The engagement of our daughter Alice to Mr. Peter Vanlaningham.

So is this Peter guy Alice is gonna marry rich?

Of course. He's one of the Atlas Steel Vanlaninghams. Pittsburgh.

- He's a bully. - So how come Alice is marrying him?

Because my parents want her to. And Alice is afraid of my parents.

It's practically an arranged marriage.

They think Alice has peanut shells for brains or something.

So they sort of suggested it that it was time to tie the old knot.

Then they sort of suggested that Peter was the one to do it with.

Jeez. No one could be that much of a pushover.

Look, Alice is the good daughter, Eleanor is the bad one...

...and I'm the one that sort of gets off the hook. That's just the way it works.

- Which one are you? - You mean which kind of brother am I?

You got me. The little brother, I guess.

- I like your sideburns. - Thank you.

You never really knew what was going on with the Abbotts.

And what the guests at the party that night didn't know...

...was that they were celebrating a very expensive shotgun wedding.

Alice Abbott was already two months pregnant.

- I'll see you later, okay? - Okay.

Thanks for coming.

Everything Jacey wanted in life the Abbotts already had:

Cars, money, country clubs.

But in the beginning, more than anything else, he wanted Eleanor Abbott.

I'd witnessed enough of my brother's social agony to resolve early on...

...that I would never let the Abbotts matter to me.

Three out of five?

Two out of three. You serve.

You wanna go get a beer?

- What, a "beer" beer? - No, a root beer. Yeah, a "beer" beer.

- Where are we gonna get beer? - The bait shop.

If you go in alone and nobody else is there, Ernie will sell you a couple bottles.

Yeah.

Jacey, remember that time I got my dick caught in my zipper?

Remember, in school? In the first grade?

Mrs. Hurley came to help, but I wouldn't let her...

...so she got Mom out of her classroom...

...but I wouldn't let her help me either. So I made her go get you. Remember?

Yeah. I remember.

We should own that company.

What do you mean?

Midwest Steel Desk...

...Dad's file cabinet drawer.

Lloyd Abbott screwed Mom out of the patent after Dad died.

Says who?

It's absolutely true.

- Mom's not stupid. - I didn't say she was stupid.

Lloyd's pretty smooth. That's why he owns the company.

- No. He married the boss's daughter. - He owns the company...

...because Dad's patent saved the company's ass...

...after the war, when all the war contracts dried up.

Maybe Mom sold it because we needed the money.

What money?

We never had any money. Money had nothing to do with it.

And that's why we're driving this car instead of that one.

Hi!

Congratulations.

- For what? - I heard you got accepted to Penn.

Yeah.

Thanks.

How'd you swing an Ivy League school like that?

My grandfather went there and I had the grades, so...

- It really stinks in here. - Yeah. I dropped something.

Yeah.

Me.

I just thought you and Steve...

Well, that's what you thought.

I think Steve is...

I don't know. I don't know what I think about Steve.

I never think about him.

I just do things. I let other people figure them out.

That's what parents are for. They're really good at doing all the thinking...

...so why should I?

I think this is called the silent treatment.

I get enough of it from my father. I don't need it from you.

So good luck at Penn.

Eleanor.

Come on, Dad's waiting.

Thank you, Mr. Abbott.

Stay away from him.

Who?

Jacey.

Why?

Because I said so.

We should have a party out at the boathouse. That's what we should do.

Sure.

- You know, invite some girls... - Right, right.

...get some beer, go swimming, look up a few words in the dictionary...

- Yeah, like "boring" or "eunuch. " - Eunuch?

- What's that? - It's Latin for busboy.

Business is a little light today. Too damn hot.

Which one of you knuckleheads wants to get off early?

- Oh, me. - I do.

Call it in the air.

Tails.

Hi, Doug.

Get out!

I had always thought of Eleanor Abbott...

...as just another stuck-up rich girl, a flirt, a tease.

She proved to be a bigger rebel than I ever was.

Write to us when you get there, okay?

Jacey and I never talked about that thing...

...between he and Eleanor in the garage.

But Jacey never bragged about his conquests.

When he went off to college that fall, I didn't feel particularly sad.

I felt free.

- How's your chin? - Drop dead.

- You want a ride? - Nope.

You can drive.

- I don't have my license yet. - I don't care.

- How come you never ask me out? - What for?

- For a date, blockhead. - Because I see you all the time.

- I don't mean just hanging out. - Come on.

- Scared of me? - Hell, no.

I got a job. I got school. I don't have time for dates and all that stuff.

Forget it.

- It's not like I'm your boyfriend. - I said forget it, so forget it.

My brother was more successful...

...at reinventing himself than I was.

Just as the Abbott parties were the place to be in Haley, Jacey's parties at Penn...

...were the hippest ones around.

And even though he had a major in architecture...

...he seriously minored in beautiful coeds.

Bridges...

...skyscrapers...

...bras, hooked bras...

...all utilize the same fundamental principles of structural design.

You know, I'm engaged.

- So am I. - You are?

Sure.

I'm engaged in conversation with you.

I was in awe of his success with women.

The thought of Eleanor conjured images of absolute debauchery in my mind.

After a while, I didn't see my brother beneath her on the sofa in the garage...

...I saw me.

Doug, dinner!

I wish you wouldn't smoke in the garage, honey.

I don't smoke in the garage.

There's a lot of old stuff out there. I don't want anything to catch on fire.

I don't smoke, Mom.

Just the same, I'd prefer it if you'd smoke in the backyard.

Yes, ma'am.

I gotta get ready.

Where are you going?