You're the Worst

Oh!

Ah, it is so nice to finally have a day off.

It's Sunday. -Paul F. Tompkins doesn't believe in Sundays.

Or doctors appointments or bathroom breaks.

Well, since you have all this free time,

- have you finally read my script? - Oh!

Shoot! I'm sorry, Jimmy. I did.

And I... loved it.

You captured the book perfectly. No notes.

No notes?

No... notes?

Thank you, Edgar.

Well, I shall just send it in as is, then.

- Final draft, incoming. - Say, Edgar?

Why, yes, Lindsay? You know what I miss?

Handwritten letters? Landlines? Light brown M&M's?

Sunday Funday. Remember that?

I sure do, Lindsay!

What... is this?

It looks like a Sunday Funday list.

Nope, we're not doing Sunday Funday.

We retired it, remember?

That's too bad, because it's...

Bachelor/Bachelorette Party Sunday Funday!

What?!

What do you think, Jim-skillet?

If I see one plastic novelty penis,

I'm shoving you off the bus.

Don't worry, Gretch. Only real ones.

Surprise!

- What the shit? - Whoo! Hell yeah!

Party bus bachelor party Sunday Funday!

- Whoo! - Ooh!

So honored to be included, you guys.

Gonna crush it. You'll see... basically.

- Where are all my real friends? - Which friends?

How am I supposed to get buck

with my future ball-and-chain here?

- Yeah! - Check out

all the amazing stuff we have planned.

First, the oldest tiki bar in the San Fernando Valley.

We'll then hop over to crazy Topanga Canyon

where real-life hippies will teach us to throw pottery.

Then, a coastal sundown drive along the water.

It's gonna be hardcore.

More like hard-snore.

The only way to make this impending disaster

remotely fun now is to immediately get hammered

and enjoy what an utter failure Edgar and Lindsay

- once again prove to be. - Where the hell is all the booze?

I had the privilege of crafting a special microbrew

to commemorate the event.

Introducing the Jimmy and Gretchen... Strawberry...

Huh? Pale Ale!

What a laugh.

So jolly.

This is going to be fun, trust us.

Paul aboard!

Hello, everybody. Hi.

As we get closer to Jimmy and Gretchen's big day,

I just want to say how much I look forward to being firmly

involved in their lives, then even more than now.

I'm gonna be there is all I'm saying.

And now a song to get this party started!

Just wait.

Quickly, just right after this, but quickly.

I just have a quick...

Hello, everyone! Hi!

Hi. I have a huge announcement.

- English. - Is everyone looking at me?

- English. - Shut up, back there! Okay.

Drumroll.

I'm going to have another baby!

What? What?

Becca! Becca!

Becca! -Seriously? Hey, nerd, it worked!

Oh, my. Huzzah! Huzzah!

- Shut up, jerk! - Oh, sorry. Sorry.

Hell yeah! What a miracle.

- Little baby growing in there. - Yeah.

Gosh, can you believe it's not just come anymore?

Me? A papa.

What responsibility.

One more of these ultra-low-ABV bad boys,

and I'm liable to tell you a little secret.

- Uh, no. - Are you sure? It's quite juicy.

Paul, I've never been more sure of anything in my life.

Oh! That sounds like a challenge.

But you have to swear not to tell anyone.

If you do, you'll owe me $1,000.

Okay, fine. Deal.

Just tell me so I can be out of this horrible conversation.

I impregnated Becca.

Direct deposit method.

With my member.

- Well, that is a good secret. - I told you.

Oh, bother. Oh.

Hi, everybody. I have an announcement.

- What is it? - And... sent.

I feel like we haven't given

enough attention to how thrilling it is

- that Becca is pregnant again. - No, no, no!

Jimmy, no!

But what is so extraordinary about this event

is the method by which it transpired.

You see, as it turns out,

Paul used nature's baster.

His willy! He used his willy!

Paul put his penis inside Becca and moved it in and out.

Party officially set off.

What-What?

This is the first I'm hearing of this shocking news.

You guys are so lucky you have us

to make your lame-o party awesome.

Hey...

Okay, we're stopping at the liquor store immediately.

Oh, I can actually have more than one because

most women don't even know they're pregnant at this point.

You've done a lot of shitty things to me over the years...

Dropped me in the laundry chute,

made me sleep in the backyard because I breathed too loud...

But sleeping with my husband was the lowest,

and I'm including that summer you told me

I had to drink your pee or I wouldn't get boobs.

Lindsay, I swear to you

it was as passionless as sex has ever been.

You should know. You married him.

Oh, do I have a booger?

Let's make a promise that we'll do this forever,

that this, our freest selves, shall e'er rule

and that marriage shall not change us in any way.

I don't know. In five years, my freest self might be sober.

That's not funny.

Who knows what our lives will be?

We can make these big declarations,

but it doesn't mean anything.

Or worse, we think it means something,

so we force ourselves to be this,

even though that's not who we are anymore.

- But I am who I am. - I am, too. For now.

What was your favorite part?

- Of what? - Of the script, man.

Come on. Was it the Ramones concert intercut

with Neville Chamberlain announcing conscription?

Or Kitty's seduction at the hands of the church rector?

It was all really good, Jimmy.

Well, that was markedly disappointing. For our next...

Well, well, well.

Edgar, I thought you had jury duty.

Oh, um, the guy confessed.

Crazy.

Uh, Jimmy, this is Paul F. Tompkins.

Hey, Jimmy. Any friend of Edgar's.

So, what are you guys up to on this glorious Sunday?

Howdy, everybody! My name is Paul F. Tompkins,

and I will be your host for this party.

I regret to inform you the old plan died of being lame.

Oh!

- Boo! - New plan:

we're going to Las Vegas!

Hit it!

Oh.

That's true.

We have a question. What were you doing

while another man was having sex with your wife?

Uh...

I think I was watching a movie.

Oh. What movie were you watching?

Was it A Cuckwork Orange?

The Hunt for Red Cucktober?

Uncle Cuck? The Mighty Cucks?

- The Joy Cuck Club? - Cuckleberry Finn?

The Marx Brothers in Cuck Soup?

Good Night and Good Cuck?

One Flew Over the Cuck-oo's Nest?

- Mooncuck? - Ha!

Sick burns. So comical.

Excuse me for a second.

I'm looking real bad in this scenario, nerd.

I got to tell 'em the full, triumphant story.

Vernon, you can't do that.

- Hmm. - The Cuck-il Wears Prada.

What's it worth to you?

Are you on Venmo?

Mm-hmm.

Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

You know what? No, listen!

You all should be ashamed of yourselves.

Vernon is a strong, secure man who should be celebrated

- for his open-mindedness. - Aw, thanks, Bec.

Yeah. And actually, I think the movie he was watching was

I Heart Cuckabees!

Didn't see that coming, did you, cuck?

Hey-o!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

- No, Vernon, no! - I was there, too, you guys!

I was in the room where it happened.