The Goldbergs

Adult Adam: Halloween in the '80s...

The one day a year you could wear what you want,

go where you want, eat what you want,

and nothing could stop me in my Voltron costume.

Except my "smother."

Oh! Come on. That's my Halloween candy. Let me just eat it already.

Not until we take it to the hospital and have it x-rayed.

Ellen Shorstein's son found a handful of aquarium gravel

in an almond cluster. Tore his braces right off.

That was one of the many urban legends back then.

There was no Google or Wikipedia,

so you believed every stupid rumor you heard,

like Bigfoot lived in upstate New York

or Mr. Rogers was the world's most deadly sniper

or there was a ghost in "Three Men And A Baby."

We actually believed if you played

Led Zeppelin, Beatles, or the Stones Backwards,

you could hear hidden satanic messages.

Did you hear that? He said he loves Satan!

You know what I love? Silence!

Stop screwing with my record player!

But the most epic urban legend of them all

was that cola became a lethal poison

when mixed with a particular exploding candy.

- Oh! - Aah!

Stupid Barry! Why?!

Oh, my God.

You were seconds from death, and I saved you!

- What are you talking about? - Hello!

When the bubbles in the soda mix with the explosives in the pop rocks,

it triggers a chain reaction that melts your insides!

Shut up. It does not.

- Well, tell that to Mikey. - Who's Mikey?

Both: Who's Mikey?

Barry: God, you know nothing.

Mikey, the spokesboy for life cereal.

You know, he likes it. Mikey likes it.

Well, he did until he mixed pop rocks and soda,

then he exploded.

- Oh, please. He did not. - Wait!

- I just saved your life. - What?

According to the way of the samurai,

you're my servant until the debt is repaid.

That's not a thing.

Oh, it is. It's the Bushido code.

Well, that sounds like complete bull-shido.

It's ancient history written in stone! You have no choice!

I'm not anyone's slave. You didn't save my life.

And it's not real.

All right, then.

If you're so certain it's not real, then do it.

Do it!

Aah! What the hell?!

What are you, nuts?

Mikey gave his life so that that would never happen again!

Ugh!

It was October 31, 1980-something,

the year my grandfather, A.K.A. Burt Reynolds,

threw the most epic Halloween bash his condo building had ever seen.

All right, let's get this party started!

Who wants flaming pumpkin shots?

Ah! Trick or treat, baby.

Sure, pops almost burned the place down,

but he only cared about one thing.

Fun party.

Okay.

I smoothed everything over.

So I can stay?

Oh, God, no. Your landlord's kicking you out.

But you're not going to jail.

Don't worry. You can move in with us.

Roomies! We can finally be roomies!

Kiddo, I don't want to cramp your style.

What if you bring a girl back to the room?

We both know that's not gonna happen.

- Let's go get a bag packed. - Beverly: Finally!

All my boys under one roof! It's happening!

No. I know that look in your eye.

You want your dad to live with us forever.

Murray, that's a great idea!

Stop making me feel good! He's not staying!

Bevy, it's time we discussed other options.

Stop it right there.

I have said this a thousand times.

We're not moving my dad into a home.

Shady Willows is not a home.

It's a leisure community for active seniors.

I don't trust Shady Willows. "Shady" is in the name.

That's because old people love shade.

They have trees. They have umbrellas.

You name it, they got it.

Taco Tuesdays, fajita Fridays! It's all there!

That is way too much Mexican food for him.

You're not to mention this to him. Do you understand?

Family takes care of family. End of story.

Damn it!

I'm working my ass off

trying to get people to move out of our house.

Stop trying to move people in!

Let's compromise, okay?

Until we figure something out, dad can crash in the attic.

Ha ha! Good luck getting him to move up there.

It's hot, it's dusty, and it's covered with bat doody.

Son of a bitch.

You got that right.

How'd you pull this off in two days?

Oh, it was nothing.

I just dusted, moved some boxes, drywalled,

did a little electrical work, added a bay window.

You know, mother's touch.

As my mom was busy moving in pops,

Barry was moving in on Lainey in the hopes to get busy.

88, 89, 100. Man, exercise does this body good.

Time for a cool-down.

What are you drinking?

Pepto.

Set the Abba-Zaba record at lunch today.

My boys bet me 10 bucks I couldn't eat 8.

Took down 12.

Are you trying to impress me by eating Halloween candy?

- Not trying. If it happens, so be it. - Goodbye.

Later, Lainey! (Door closes)

Wow. You are the worst.

That's not what Lainey thinks.

She kissed me, remember?

And now there's so much electricity between us,

all hot and crackling.

Kind of like pop rocks.

Speaking of which,

- remember how I saved your life? - No.

According to the Bushido code, you must repay me.

Last night, I figured out what I want.

Get me the girl.

- No! - Just one date!

Talk to her! Bushido code!

Talking won't help.

Lainey doesn't like anything about you.

Bushido code! You must do this!

Oh, my God.

If I do this, will you stop saying "Bushido code"?

According to Bushido code, yes.

Fine. I'll tell her to go have some pizza with you.

Yes! First step, pizza.

Second step, we express our love physically.

Third step.

Ow.

That is not the way of the samurai!

As Barry was laying down the laws of the Bushido code,

my dad was laying down some laws of his own.

Okay, now that she's moved in your giant speakers

and your king-size waterbed,

it's time to go over the rules of the house.

These are more like suggestions, nothing hard and fast.

Rule number 1... Do not touch the thermostat.

Touch it?

You've already taped it off like a crazy person.

Rule number 2... What's ours is yours.

Rule number 3... Ignore rule number 2.

What's mine is mine.

Rule 4... No coming in after 10:00.

10:00 in the morning or 10:00 in the evening?

Why would anyone come in at 10:00 in the morning?

Why would anyone come in at 10:00 in the evening?

Rule number 5...

Mandatory hugs every time you walk through the door.

Rule 6... No loud music, no parties.

Are these written down somewhere?

I-I'm kind of losing track.

Okay, rule 6 1/2... We love you.

That's not even a rule!

Everyone, just relax.

You've opened your home to me,

and I'm gonna respect your wishes.

You see, honey? This is gonna be great.

And with that,

we had a new family member under our roof.

Fortunately, this one was a responsible adult

who would never disobey my dad's insane rules.

Or not.

Max! It's on Max!

He touched it!

He touched the thermostat!

God only knows how much money we burned in cold air!

I'll bake him some cookies and talk to him about it.

No cookies! Do you hear that loud music?

He's breaking all of my rules!

Here. This will take the edge off.

Why are you bringing me a delicious Martini right now?

Pops is schooling me in the art of mixology so I can bartend his parties.

Unacceptable! All of this is unacceptable!

- Get rid of this. - He's just testing our boundaries.

If we push him too hard, he'll rebel more.

You're talking about him like he's one of our dumb kids,

but he's not!

He's worse! I can't ground him!

My dad had reached his boiling point.

Unfortunately, he didn't know pops was on a hot date.

Albert! Turn it off! (Woman screams)

Oh, my God! (Thud)

This is not my fault.