Sahara with Michael Palin

Man: Headquarter company,

the royal Gibraltar regiment,

will fire a royal gun salute

on the occasion of the birthday

of her majesty queen Elizabeth ii.

Fire!

Number one gun,

fire! Occasion -

Number two gun,

fire!

Palin's voice: I always have bad dreams before a new journey.

Dreams of being late, forgetting to pack my underwear or...

- Number four gun, fire! - Being shot at.

What do I need? Maps.

- Uh, boots. Fire! - Fire!

Mosquito netting.

Mosquito net! Ugh, stay calm.

Now read the newspaper. It might be the last you'll see for a while.

My destination isn't that far away now.

From here, you can almost see it.

It all seems so easy... Last lunch on British soil

whilst looking out across the straits of Gibraltar to Africa.

What terrors can the Sahara possibly hold

when it's only 300 miles from a British home stores,

or a Bobby, or a pint of warm beer?

Setting off's a bit like getting up on a Monday morning.

I know I've got to do it, but I'm trying to put it off till the very last minute.

Palin: There are no more last minutes.

It's time to go.

The Sahara desert is huge...

The size of the United States...

With the population of Norfolk.

It's as alien and hostile as anywhere on the planet.

It's also completely unknown territory for me.

I'm ready to be tested again...

If necessary, to the very limits of endurance.

Ooh, good heavens. It's like going up

a lift shaft, 15 floors at a time.

Well, I'm not...

In the desert yet, but I’m on a camel, I'm on the sand.

All right, you may laugh...

These here are the sands of tangier's beach, but it's a good place to practice

what's going to be an awful lot of camel-riding later on.

It doesn't come naturally to me, this.

I get some vertigo on top of these things.

But we're going to have a go. Okay, Mohammed.

Imagine the dunes around.

Forget the hotel blocks.

There won't be girls walking around the Sahara either, I don't think.

The beach at tangier is only 12 miles from Gibraltar,

but it feels unmistakably African.

Thank you, Fatima.

It's a friendly place. And there's always a game of football on.

I haven't played for years,

which soon becomes painfully obvious.

Ow!

I've done the splits.

Ah!

Screwed my leg up.

Injury, injury.

It really does hurt.

I shouldn't have done it.

Never play when you're over 57.

That's the time to stop.

Injuring yourself while the camera is running

is a good thing. Doing it on day one, not so good.

But this is the Arab world and treatment is close at hand.

The oriental steam bath... The hammam

is not just about cleanliness,

it's also about meeting new people,

doing interesting things.

Okay, yeah.

Stretching my groin.

Ooh, ahh.

That's good. Feels... ow.

That's okay, yeah.

It's amazing how quickly you make friends here.

Before this, we hardly knew each other.

That's good.

Yeah, that's okay. It's good.

Within half an hour, I feel completely cured.

From the 1920s to the 1950s,

tangier was a free port in which Europeans

and Americans built elegant villas,

seduced by blue skies and relaxed morals.

Today, it's part of Morocco.

And thought the morals are less relaxed,

the old town streets that drew the likes of Oscar Wilde,

Ronnie Kray and Errol Flynn,

are largely unchanged.

This innocent-looking square,

the petit socco, was once described

as the sinkhole of iniquity.

Over coffee, I asked a present-day resident,

writer Jonathan Dawson, if this wasn't a bit strong.

- Was it ever that? - Yes, it royally was that.

When you say, "is it still?" It's not obviously here,

but like all these places, everything is there if you want it.

"Seek and ye shall find."

You can have boys or girls or cockerels or anything you want.

But, I mean... hashish.

It's a national pastime to smoke kif, isn't it, for the Moroccans?

It's not legal,

but it's sort of slightly not illegal.

I don't encourage it.

Palin: To find out what brings people to tangier today,

Jonathan recommends I go to church on Sunday...

If I can only find it.

Ah! The anglican church of St. Andrew.

- Hello. - Hello.

- I'm Michael. - Oh, good.

Thank you very much. I'm mustapha chergui.

- Mustapha... chergui. - Chergui.

- Church catholique... - Church catholic?

- Excellent. I wanted to see the church. - I've been here 38 years.

- 38 years? - 30 and eight years.

- 30 and eight years. - 30 and eight, yeah.

I am very happy from English church being here.

- Can I see the church? - Thank you.

- Will you show me... - 109 years in the church.

- Thank you very much. - 109 years old?

Yes, thank you. And the bishop...

Palin: Thanks to Mr. Chergui,

the church and its gardens are in immaculate condition.

A rich mix of Arab and anglican.

Chergui: Yes, thank you very much.

Let us share with one another the sign of peace...

Palin: The congregation is a pretty rich mix too.

The ex-pats of St. Andrews

are outnumbered by Nigerians,

who've crossed the Sahara on their way north.

Do they have particular problems?

I suppose they do because they're trying to move on into Europe.

- Yes, no papers. - What's life like for them here?

Well, very precarious.

Quite a lot of them get arrested

and shoved across the frontier into Algeria.

Because the Moroccan and the Algerian governments

tend to play a game

of putting their undesirables across the border into each other's country.

Palin: Seems to be half the congregation is Nigerian.

- It was about 200 people... - Really?

We were about seven old hands and about 200...

But they're wonderful people.

Did you hear the phones ringing throughout the service?

Yes, I did. There were quite interesting themes.

At Christmas, they all rang with jingle bells.

Which was wonderful. We had a great laugh.

You must come and meet birdie.

- I'd love to. - Perhaps tomorrow, if you're free?

Yes, sure. I think we are.

People have been very friendly, lots of invitations.

- Well come tomorrow. - So what time?

- 11:00, if you want to. - Mid morning?

- Excellent. - Lovely.

Just as I'm thinking how dreadfully British this all is,

Mr. Chergui has someone he wants me to meet.

It's lovely. Yes, thank you.

This is a pretty courtyard.

- Fatima! - Very nice. Lovely tiles.

- Hello. - Palin: Oh, hello.

- C'est la cuisine, for lunch. - Yes, yes, yes.

- Look, they shoot you. - Hello, Fatima.

- Thank you very much. - We're all from London.

Very nice to see you oh, yes.

He has been very good to us today.

- He's shown me round. - Thank you very much.

Palin: We'll leave you...

Ah, 40 years. There must be something right there.

She say before, "oh, mustapha."

Oh, lovely.

That's very nice. We're going to leave you to your Sunday lunch.

Next day, I arrive at Jonathan's apartment,

eager to meet birdie... Whoever birdie is.

In these sorts of circles, it could be his wife,

auntie, maybe an old golfing chum.

I'm completely wrong.

Birdie is a bird.

- Jonathan. - Yes.

It's a bit of an unusual, um, pet. What's the story?

I thought he was a hen and would lay me an egg for breakfast.

He was lying in the market,

passing out in a box in the sun,

- I thought that'll do... - Hello, birdie.

I'll grow him for a breakfast...

- Rather excited. - Stop it, birdie.

- A bit of nerves... camera. - He's nervous.

I thought he'll be good for...

I quite like the odd boiled egg.

But he turned into a fellow, which was a helluva shock.

Tangier is one of those places where it's hard to tell who's a fella and who's not.

I think he's trying to sum me up a bit.

- You bought him as an egg? Es. - He's going to crow, silly bugger.

How did you know that? How did you know that?

Because I know when he's going to crow.

It's 4:00 in the afternoon, not night.

He doesn't stop at one. It'll drive you potty. You need ear plugs.

It is completely abnormal

for a bird to be sitting on a sofa in a library,

isn't it? - yes.