Dicktown

- Down in Carolina where the kudzu grows

They're solving mysteries, and they're being bros

Pedal to the metal, the ultimate high

No second chances 'cause it's do-or-die

In Dicktown, yeah

It's going down

You better shape up when they come around

Put the two together, you get number one

'Cause they're interesting, cool, and fun

Now dig it.

Rattle, rattle, shakin' the cage

Hometown heroes for a modern age

Put your cards on the table

They've already won

'Cause they're interesting, cool, and fun

- I'm telling you, Dana, these two jokers are cool.

They're perfect for Channel 57 News.

- Uh, Taggy, we have never fought ninjas.

Guys, look, come on,

you got to put your intention into the universe.

- You must conceive the dream to achieve the dream, rar.

- Uh, okay, look, "Early Evening Magazine"

loves profiling local businesses,

but where's the human interest?

You kidding me?

These guys are so human, it's pathetic.

- Hey. - Used to be they worked

exclusively for teenagers.

They hired me to find more grown-up clients.

- "Works for teenagers" was a better angle.

Can't you do that again? - Uh, no.

I've been doing that my whole life.

It's time to move on. - Wait.

You're John Hunchman, Boy Detective!

Didn't I profile you, like, 20 years ago?

Oh, yes, that's true.

I-I didn't think you'd remember that.

Oh, no, you were a big deal.

What happened to you?

- Uh, well, I-I've done a lot of work since then.

All right, here's the pitch:

I've lined the guys up with an incredible case.

Okay. What is it?

- The mystery of the missing pimento cheese recipe.

- Whoa. Someone's stolen the Lunch Hut's

famous pimento cheese rec-- - Wait, what?

I love that cheese!

Everyone does.

It's an institution.

A boy detective who wants to grow up

plus cheese.

Oh, this could be big.

Donnie, bring the van around.

We have a regional news award to win.

- Whoo! - The Chief does it again.

I mean, Dana Singh, man!

This is Dicktown Early Evening.

We're gonna be so freaking famous!

- Dana Singh is a star-maker in this town.

Remember when she profiled that rooster that could do Sudoku?

Rooster Cockburn,

the Cockney rooster of Piedmont, North Carolina!

- I forgot that rooster had an accent.

- Uh, hello! Don't forget the robot!

That's a toy, Taggy.

Yeah, whatever.

Beep-boop, just remember to look cool for Dana Singh.

Beep-boop.

I feel so dang stupid.

Just before he passed, my dad, Mr. Moistly Sr.,

wrote out his secret recipe for me,

one copy, always in my wallet.

I even laminated it.

You have to when you're working with that much mayo,

but then it disappeared.

- Okay. Well, tell me what happened.

I'll travel to the scene of the crime

in my mind palace.

- Whoa! Your what? - My mind palace, David.

Oh, right, your mind palace!

Of course, the very cool thing you always do.

- Shh, shh, shh, I'm trying to concentrate.

Here we go.

Well, what happened was,

I was here at the Lunch Hut after close

having a slice of peach pie

and trying to solve a real pernicious word jumble--

Okay. Who else was there?

Uh, nobody.

My wallet always bunches up in my pants when I sit,

hurts my groin, you know.

So I put the wallet on the table,

and when I got in the next morning, it was gone.

- That's it? You made me go

into my mind palace for a left-behind wallet?

- Yes, sir. - For real? All right.

Oh, by the way, the word you were looking for, "cushion."

How do you know

you didn't just lose your wallet?

- Well, someone texted me a blurry picture of the recipe.

Now, I offered them $100 for it,

but they-- they didn't write back.

- Well, you must have made that pimento cheese a million times.

Don't you remember the recipe?

I've been trying to,

but taste this.

- It tastes fine. - Oh! Pff! No! Pff!

Get this out of my mouth!

Is this Hellman's Mayonnaise?

- Yes, it is. - Ugh!

I forgot which mayo to use!

- Duke's Mayo, man! Duke's!

Come on, man, get your head in the game!

Ugh, no.

This is why I need that recipe back.

What if it gets sold on the dark web?

I'll be ruined!

- Don't worry, you're in good hands.

You're in cool hands.

Ow.

Promise me you won't use this?

- So, David, what does being

a private investigator mean to you?

- Oh, Dana Singh, that is such a good question.

You know, a wise woman once said,

"Achieving excellence is the first step

to achieving true excellence!"

Uh, what's with the voice?

- Oh, that's my homage to Dr. Marjorie Frost.

She's a tenured professor who I found on YouTube.

She's changed my life.

She wrote this book right here--

"Unleashing the Pterodactyl Within:

"13 Rules for Getting What You Want

and Flying Away with It."

I mean, this book is central to Operation Grow Up.

- Oh, God, did he really mention Operation Grow Up?

- Last year, John and I realized

we never really grew up.

Like, I'm still living in my parents' basement.

John was still working for teenagers,

which is maybe illegal. We're not sure.

- So David and I set some new life goals.

to make a lot of money

and move out of my parents' basement.

stop working for teenagers

and get his first real human girlfriend.

- No, no, I've had plenty of human girlfriends.