Carter

The first time I came to this place, I wondered how a place so beautiful,

so perfect could make me so sad.

Eventually figured out it, it's because I had no one to share it with.

I feel like I know you so well, but I don't know you at all.

Tuesday can't come soon enough.

Drop it!

Oh my God. No!

Guy out with his metal detector this morning found the body.

- Metal detector guy check out? - Oh, yeah. Barn Phillips

he splits his leisure time between metal detecting and blackout drinking.

Is he known to get violent on his way to blackout?

Sir, the only thing that Barn is murdering is his liver.

- Okay, Shaw... - Yeah.

What's it going to take to get you to stop calling me "sir"?

Well, you could step down, make me the chief, that would do it.

I cannot, in good conscience,

turn over the reins to someone who hasn't taken

their marksmanship recertification test.

- That this week? - This week is the last week, yes.

There are slots Wednesday at six, Thursday at eight.

Actually, I'm going in tonight at nine.

What times work for you?

Thursday at eight, you said, and Wednesday at six, I mean, I--

come to think of it, I could probably do tonight.

Yeah, I could, I can make that work. Yup.

Great. Tonight.

- I'll book us in. - Great.

What do we got?

Male, mid-to-late twenties.

Initial examination shows evidence

of blunt force trauma to the back of the head.

- Identification? - Not yet.

We did find a cell phone a few feet away,

but we haven't been able to unlock it yet.

No other ID on him,

I did find something interesting, though.

More interesting than a bubble-wrapped body?

About even, I'd say.

You know, some people have this weird fetish

where they need to pop these things.

Not me, but some...

See, I can stop at one.

Wes?

I found this tucked into the waistband of his jeans.

- Calling card? - You think?

I don't know, but if it's calling card, it could indicate more to come.

Yeah, more we haven't found yet. Could we take a look?

I was just waiting for you two. Little help?

Well, I don't recognize him. We're gonna have to get into that phone.

I don't feel good about that one.

- You know what surprises me? - What?

That we walked into a genuinely interesting mystery

and there's no sign of Harley Carter.

Well, if it's as interesting as you say it is,

he will be up to his neck in it by the second act.

- Yeah, you're starting to talk like him. - Oh, I know.

Hey, is that little girl still giving me the stink eye?

- Oh, yeah. Big time. - Yeah, well, tough.

I got to this horse first,

- I won it fair and square. - Hey,

not that I don't love getting chicken pox,

but, is there a reason why we're here right now?

I got a message last night on one of the Call Carter message boards

from a potential client saying to meet him here.

It was signed "Precocious Eight-year-old."

Could be any one of these people.

I'm thinking maybe the red-haired kid back there.

- He looks a little suspicious. - The one that's eating his snot?

- Are you kidding me? There's no way. - Be cool.

Hey, did we just get "psst-ed" at?

- Hey, guys! - It's Vijay!

Vijay, when did you get back into town?

- Yesterday! - Why didn't you call us?

Hey, you can't do that!

Hey. I did, I sent you a note.

- I'm the Precocious eight-year-old. - You're the client?

Yeah.

Hop on horse, man! Come on!

That's a very bad idea.

- Can you stop this? - Sorry, buddy.

Harley paid for a whole hour.

- I'm just surprisingly unfit. - Take my hand!

Why all the secrecy?

- It's bad. It's really bad. - Well, how bad can it be?

Well, try Call Carter episode 308 kind of bad.

You killed Jeff Probst the host of Survivor?

Was that episode 308? No.

What was the one where Blake Shelton falls in love online,

then is falsely accused of killing her?

You fell in love with someone who's now dead?

No, and maybe.

You know how I monitor the Call Carter message boards?

- Of course. Who doesn't? - I don't.

Well, there was this one guy I was talking to @jitterjuicejoe and that one night,

- well, it turned into two nights... - Oh, you fell in love online.

I don't know. I've never done anything like this before

and he was special. Yeah, and he was from Bishop,

unlike the fakes and flakes in Hollywood. So, yeah, I got my hopes up.

And I hopped on a plane yesterday and we were supposed to meet last night,

but, he didn't show up.

- And then, you found him dead? - No, I didn't find him at all!

I don't know his name. He was @jitterjuicejoe

and I was always @BrownSugar.

If anything happened to him, @BrownSugar's gonna be all over his phone.

No, not exactly.

When we finally got around to exchanging photos,

I sent him a photo of you and I at Mo Better Meaty Meat Burgers.

You know, the one where I had perfect hair.

I remember it. You looked amazing. What's your point?

Well, he looked at the picture and got confused.

Oh my God. He thought he was flirting with Harley Carter

- on the message boards. - Yeah.

You tricked someone into falling in love with me?

- 'Cause that's Harley's job. - I liked him so much,

I didn't want to tell him the truth.

If you like someone that much,

that's exactly when you're supposed to tell them the truth.

I know. And now he's gonna hate me.

And either he's dead or not,

I don't know, but I'm gonna be accused of murder

and I don't know what to do! I'm freaking out right now, Harley!

Just calm down, Vijay. Calm down.

Yeah. Okay, can I be this guy?

Do you think maybe it's possible

that this is just a case of he's just not that into you and you got ghosted?

- Oh, Dave, come on. - What?

The guy thought he was meeting me. Of course he's gonna show up.

Come back when you have something that's useful.

Vijay, don't worry. We'll find this guy and he'll be fine.

- Really? - Yeah.

You think we're gonna let anything happen to the man who loves me?

Carter

Hey, Dot, Vijay's gonna crash with us for a little while.

- He's gonna sleep on the couch. - Or I could get your old crib.

Well, I'm taller than you.

I'm only three feet tall, so I wouldn't sound so proud.

Dave Leigh, I need to speak to you for a second.

Oh, Dave's in trouble.

Nah, she's all bark.

- David! Now! - Okay.

All right, Vijay, tell me whether you know about @jitterjuicejoe,

and don't say he's wonderful 'cause there's a million Mr. Wonderfuls

out there, no one's ever gonna hook up with them.

- Job? - Yes, but I don't know what it is.

- Okay. Family? - I know he has a mom.

Thank you. That narrows it down to the entire human race.

- What did you two talk about? - Everything.

Yeah, I know his favourite song it's "Mr. Blue Sky."

I know he loves his dad, but doesn't know whether he likes him.

I know he wants to make his mark on the world,

but also hates that he wants to make his mark on the world.

- I know tons! - Come on, I need real clues here.

Think.

He sent me a video from his apartment.

Let's go.

Hey, can you keep the cops out of this?

- Why? - Because if something did happen,

I'd be the number one suspect.

No. I would be the number one suspect. Thank you for that.

Yeah, for like two seconds, then it'd be all Vijay, all the time.

And then, the agency will find out I'm not in Aspen,

pitching Topher Grace and they will fire me.

You have to promise no police, a Harley Carter promise.

- I promise. - Okay.

All right, let's see this.

It isn't much, but it's home.

I haven't let anyone inside since Mark, but I think I'm ready, so come over.

I'll buy you a cup of coffee.

Bye.

Who's Mark?

His last boyfriend. Yeah, he broke Jitterjuicejoe's heart.

You didn't think last boyfriend was more important than "Mr. Blue Sky"?

Now, we watch it again.

It isn't much, but...

Yeah, I'd be happy to drive you into town, but what's wrong with your car?

I might need a getaway driver.

We're not robbing any banks, are we? 'Cause fool me once...

I just need someone and it can't be Harley.

- Will you do it? - Yeah, of course.

But you didn't say we're not robbing any banks.

Hey, where are you going?

I don't answer to you!

Sam?

They unlocked this phone we found near the crime scene.

- Anything interesting? - I'm gonna say yes.

It belongs to a guy named Ben Lyndecker.

Should I know that name?

- Maybe. Can I read you a text? - Yeah.

"I can't swim, but I'm ready to drown in you."

It's a little cheesy, but the sentiments are lovely.

- Point, please? - There's tons of these

and they're all...

from Harley Carter,

who sometimes calls himself

- @BrownSugar. - What?

"You're a mystery I look forward to solving."

Harley?

Are you messing with me?

- No. - No.

Oh, well, that was just...