The Office

What is this?

Happy holidays, Dwight.

But do not open it till Christmas.

You're so pathetic. How long did this take you, three hours?

Five minutes, actually. I'm a black belt in gift wrapping.

Yeah, no such thing.

They don't give out black belts for things that are stupid.

Well, I hope it was won'th it,

because I'm going to take it apart in about five minutes.

I think it'll take you a little bit longer than that.

Really. If I can skin a mule deer in less than 10 minutes,

I ought to be able to cut my...

I'm sorry. It's the largest one I have.

I will not be the big guy in the tiny hat.

This is the first Christmas party

I'm throwing as head of the Party Planning Committee.

The theme is Nights in Morocco.

This isn't your grandmother's Christmas party.

Unless of course she's from Morocco,

in which case it's very accurate.

Hey, Phyllis, do I need this invite to get into the party?

Yes. Awesome.

I think this is going to be the best Christmas party ever.

Angela, you're going to move this for the party, right?

It's not on theme.

It's the Nativity scene.

All right.

You can keep your camel, sheep, elephant... Hey.

And the North African king can stay.

Everything else goes in the drawer.

I am not going to judge Phyllis for desecrating Christmas.

There is one person who will, though,

and Phyllis just stuffed him into a drawer.

I need you to get rid of the tree.

But... But... Thank you.

Oh, I don't think it's blackmail.

Angela just does what I ask her to do

so I won't tell everyone that she's cheating on Andy with Dwight.

I think for it to be blackmail,

it would have to be a formal letter.

Ah, you brought in your doll collection.

These are not dolls, Jim.

These are commodities, same as gold or oil.

Every year, I do research to determine

which toy will be the most popular of the Christmas season.

This year, it's a doll. Half-girl, half-unicorn.

Catchphrase, "My horn can pierce the sky!"

Pathetic.

I bought out every store in the area over the last couple of weeks.

And as lazy parents become more desperate,

I will sell them at an enormous profit.

Isn't that right, princess?

That's the Christmas spirit.

I am simply punishing those parents

that would wait till the last minute to give their child a gift,

and such a genetically improbable one.

Look at that. How does that happen?

The king has sex with a unicorn?

Man with a horn has sex with a royal horse?

Yes. Hey, is that Princess Unicorn?

I thought they were all sold out.

They are now. Cool.

My horn can pierce the sky!

(MOROCCAN MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

This is equal parts scotch, absinthe, rum, gin,

vermouth, triple sec, and two packs of Splenda.

Call it a "one of everything."

Oh, my God!

Hit me again! All right.

One more time around the block.

I will grant you one wish.

I wish you would stop rubbing that lamp in that creepy way.

Stupid. Everybody knows to ask for 100 more wishes.

Dumb.

Hey, hey, Ang, check it out.

There's a place in France Where the naked ladies dance

Really, Andy? It's Christmas,

and you're singing about nudity and France.

There's a hole in the wall Where the men can see it all

Jim, check that out. What is it?

That is vodka, and I mixed it with orange juice.

I call it an "orange vodjuiceka."

Wow, that is delicious. Yeah.

I can't believe no one's thought of that. I know!

Belly dancing.

$120, $180, $200.

All right.

Oh, thank you so much. My daughter is going to love this.

Oh. So glad I could help. Thanks.

Merry Christmas. You, too.

Fa la la la, la la, ka-ching

Oh. So this is what every day would be like if you hadrt left India?

She's burning.

Oh, my God!

We got a live one! On fire!

I'm all right. I'm all right.

Sorry.

We're back on the 5th. Should we just do it then?

Cannot do it then, monthly dental appointment.

Soft teeth.

What about February 2nd?

Would you want to do it on Groundhog Day?

No. No. I celebrate privately. That's right.

Why don't we just do it now? We'll do it quickly.

Now? It's our Christmas party. We'll do it quickly.

Well, what if we can't do it quickly?

"What if we can't do it quickly?

"What if we can't do it?"

Do you know how to do an intervention?

Hey, shut up.

Here we go. Everybody, gather up.

An intervention, it's sort of hard to describe,

but, really, it's a coming together.

It's a surprise party for people who have addictions.

And you get in their face and you scream at them,

and you make them feel really badly about themselves.

And then they stop.

It looks like we're going to be here for a while,

so why don't you make a little plate of hummus for everyone?

Little triangles of pita, toasted on both side,

fanned so you can easily grab them.

I know... And napkins, fanned.

Okay. How do you feel?

Little better. I threw up.

TMI. Fire girl.

Too soon. Yeah.

Okay, you know what I thought we should do

is have a quick intervention and then get back to the party.

Michael, we're only allowed to talk about Meredith's work performance.

We cannot ask her to stop drinking.

I am not asking her to stop drinking.

I am imploring her to quit being an alcoholic.

I'm not an alcoholic.

Yeah, obviously you are.

Okay, everybody who thinks that Meredith is an alcoholic,

please raise your hands.

Aye. The ayes have it.

I don't care what everyone thinks.

I know I am not an alcoholic.

All right, well,

let's look at this a little bit closer, then, shall we?

When I was in college, I used to get wicked hammered.

My nickname was "Puke." I would chug a fifth of So-Co,

sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people's empties,

some brewskies, some Jell-O shots,

do some body shots off myself,

pass out, wake up the next morning,

boot, rally, more So-Co, head to class.

Probably would have gotten expelled if I'd let it affect my grades,

but I aced all my courses. They called me "Ace."

It was totally awesome. I got straight Bs. They called me "Buzz."

Meredith, "have you ever used alcohol to alter your mood

"or deliberately change your state of mind?"

Sure.

"Do you sometimes have a drink to celebrate

"a special occasion or mark a holiday?"

Obviously.

"Have you ever, under the influence of alcohol,

"questioned the teachings of the Mormon Church?"

Where did you get this? I got it on a website. That's not important.

Michael, we should contact some experts.

You don't know what you're doing.

Okay, you know what, Toby? One of my employees is undergoing a crisis,

and I wish, for just once,

you would take my side on this.

I'm doing your job, man.

Hey, are you texting?

Yeah, 'cause this is kind of a drag.

Alcohol is a drag, yes. Here's what I'd like to do.

I'd like to go around the room and have us each express to Meredith

how her alcoholism has affected us.

I'll begin. This Christmas party

is perhaps the best Christmas party I have ever been to.

But then you got so drunk that we had to stop and do this.

That's how your drinking affected me.

Anybody else? Another time when Meredith's drinking affected you?

Come on, people. If we don't say anything,

she's not going to get any better.

Yes, Kevin.

Well, Meredith, there was that one time

that you bought movie tickets

and then you got too drunk to go,

so you gave them to me, and that was really cool.

That's... You didn't... You werert hurt by that.

Yeah, you said "affected" by it.

Thanks again, Meredith. You're welcome.

No, that's not what we're going for.

Who has a problem with Meredith's drinking? It has to bother you.

It bothers me, right? How does it bother you?

Dwight, don't you have anything?

No. I like Meredith.

Actually, I don't care for Meredith,

but I don't believe in this kind of thing.

In the Schrute family, we believe in a five-fingered intervention.

Awareness, education, control, acceptance and punching.

Who's going to tell us the latest dirty joke?

Who is going to tell us what you watched on television last night?

I am fine.

Was John Belushi fine? Was Bob Hope fine?

Hey, come here.