Up Pompeii!

Oh, hail.

Oh, you're here already. Oh, I didn't realise it was that late.

I'm so sorry. Doesn't tempus fugit?

All right, then, off with the clobber, on with the drama.

There we are.

Shan't keep you long. Now...

Greetings, noble plebeians,

crafty artisans, and arty courtesans.

I think that's the lot. Good.

Now, the bit I'm going to do now is called the prologue.

And, you see, not only is this a quick way to get into the fruity part of the plot,

but also, it helps me to fill you in with who is who,

who does what to who, and to whom they does what to. You see?

And in addition... In addition, how.

Which brings me back to the fruity part.

Now, my name is Lurcio.

How do you do? Yes, nicely, thanks.

And, erm, I'm a slave in the household of Ludicrus Sextus.

Now, to avoid disappointment...

Quiet, please, for the prologue.

Now, to avoid disappointment,

may I explain, this means Ludicrus the sixth.

"Sixth", not Ludicrus the "sexy".

Because, you see... No, he's a senator,

and, of course, politicians don't have time for that sort of thing.

Well, they didn't in these days, if you understand.

Lurcio, where are you? Lurcio. -Oh, God.

I'm here, master. That's him now, silly old fool.

I expect he's lost his laurel leave. Oh, take no notice.

Right, here we go, the prologue.

-In Pompeii... -Lurcio, what are you doing out here?

I'm trying to do the prologue.

Oh, I beg your pardon. Well, be quick about it, will you?

I can't find my laurel leaves.

Oh, you'll have to get some fresh ones, master,

the last ones have got greenfly, I'm sorry.

Jumping Jupiter, I hate them straight off the bush,

gives me a rash.

Isn't it marvellous, eh?

I have to do everything around here, you know. I'm absolutely indispensable.

That's why they've made me the major domo.

I said domo.

Let us have no misunderstandings at the commencement.

Now, our story takes place...

Ooh! Our story takes place

in ancient Pompeii.

Now, Pompeii is situated...

Now, imagine Italy is the shape of a woman's leg.

Well, Pompeii is situated not quite high enough to be interesting, do you understand?

Yes.

Now, in Pompeii...

Oh, Pompeii!

-Oh, woe, woe and thrice woe. Oh, dear.

Oh, it's her, Cassandra, an elderly prophetess,

dressed in sombre rags.

Hear my words, oh, wicked citizens of Pompeii.

Now, this is where we get the death and destruction bit.

I see a great fall.

Your proud city will vanish in the sands of time.

There you are. Didn't I tell you? Oh, she does go on.

Repent before it's too late!

-Yes. Yes. -Give up your vile and licentious ways.

This is the ashes in the hair bit.

Oh, she's a silly old bag, she really is.

You laugh, I'll tell you one thing,

you won't believe this, but once she had a good job, a wonderful job,

as a vestal virgin.

'Course...

Well, she... You see, she had to go and lose it.

But, I mean...

Well, they tend to, don't they?

You see, and all she's good for now is a bit of soothsaying.

Sooth, sooth, sooth, soo!

See? Didn't I tell you? Yes.

Oh, she's a funny woman.

-Oh, woe. -Yes.

-Woe. -Woe, yes. What a shame. Look here.

Thank you, we'll let you know.

-Look, dear... -Woe...

Go and woe out in the next street.

-And give them a treat. Woe off. -Woe! Woe!

Mustn't take notice of her because, you know, she's a little...

She can't help it. She's at a funny time of life, you know. She's very difficult.

Mind you, she has a point. She has a point about Pompeii.

Ooh, some shocking things go on here, you know. Shocking.

Licentiousness, libertinage, orgies,

even bingo.

Up in Rome, they do as the Romans do. Here, they do the lot.

Now, the prologue. In Pompeii...

-Lurcio! Lurcio, haven't you finished yet? -Oh, dear...

I haven't started.

Well, I can't wait any longer. I have to deliver a speech to the Senate.

Do you? And the best of Pompeii luck to them.

Yes, it's my new bill

proposing that slaves should be allowed to purchase their freedom.

-Slaves allowed to purchase their freedom? -Yes.

-I'd like you to hear it. -Oh, I can't wait! Oh!

-"Friends, Romans, countrymen..." -Oh, there's original for you.

-Yes. -"Lend me your feet..."

Yes. Pardon?

-"Feet". -"Feet"? Well, wouldn't it be the ears?

That might be more subtle, don't you think?

-Ears? -Yes.

Ears? Well, that wouldn't make sense, you see?

I go on to say, "Help me to stamp out the curse of slavery."

Well, you can't stamp out anything with your ears, now, can you?

Well, you know, one must be rational.

Yes, well, master, if we're being rational,

how do we slaves purchase our freedom?

Well, with money, of course.

-I see. -Well, I thought 500 drachma.

Did you? I see.

Well, tell me. How do we slaves save up 500 drachma when you don't pay us anything?

Oh, well, that's your problem, isn't it?

-I see. -Well, I can't do everything for you, can I?

-Oh, Pater! Oh, there you are. -Mmm.

Pater, darling, can I have the chariot today, please?

Oh, my dear child, I was going to use it myself.

Oh, please, darling, I wanted to drive out to the Elysian Fields

and pick some flowers for Mater.

Dear child.

What? Now, listen, that's his daughter Erotica.

Yes, what?

I could tell you a few things about her.

She's one of the original liberteenagers.

And don't let that bit about picking flowers for Mater fool you,

because she goes there to meet a young gladiator,

and believe me, they'll flatten more flowers than they'll pick, that's for sure.

Well, now, here is the key of the chariot, my dear.

Thank you, darling Pater.

Oh, sweet child.

And so delightfully chaste.

Yes, and so easily caught up with.

Well, all things being equal, as friend Pythagoras said

when he met me on the square of the hypotenuse...

-Oh, well, don't bother. -I wasn't going to.

-Well, you'd better call me a litter. -Yes, don't think I'm not tempted to.

Very well.

Oh, master, you're lucky, there's one on the rank.

I say, come along, quickly. There's a gentleman here waiting for it.

Well, don't tell the whole neighbourhood. Just send him up.

Ah, my love.

Oh, it's you. I thought you'd gone.

No, just waiting for a litter, my dear.

I'll be back for lunch. Will you be all right till then?

Oh, I expect I'll find something to do.

I'll say she will. Now, that's his wife,

Ammonia.

Now... Yes, his wife,

and she's my mistress. Well, I say "mistress", I don't mean...

I mean I serve her.

Well, I... No.

I don't mean I... I mean, if she fancies a bit...

I mean, if...

I have to give her what she wants. If she... It's a...

The prologue.

In Pompeii...

Mind you, she's a funny woman. What a funny woman.

Round here, they call her "the coastguard",

she's always on the lookout for something.

Please yourselves.

I'll try one more. Here we are, come on. Listen.

She was in the sack of Carthage, and she's never been out of the sack since.

Oh, I'm flogging it. It's a dead horse with this lot. All right.

-Lurcio! Lurcio! -Yes. Excuse me.

Yes, mistress, what willest thou?

Did you remember to order the asses' milk?

Yes, mistress, 20 gallons.

It's up in your bath, ready.

Good. I'm looking forward to having a good old soak.

Yes, mistress, I'll send him up as soon as he arrives.

Oh, 20 gallons a time.

They must milk those poor asses to a standstill.

Well, it's not that. It doesn't worry me that.

It's what they do with the milk after that worries me.

Well, it makes the tea all gritty. Oh, it's nasty.

Ah, now...

Ah, the litter.

-Now, come on, get a move on. -What?

Er, not you, master. Now, to the Senate.

Step on it.

What do you mean you've seen it before?

These old gags are the best.

Now...

A late but welcome laugh.

-In Pompeii... Lurcio!

Oh, I shall never finish this prologue.

-Yes, mistress. I want you.

Ooh! All right.

Here we go again. Always happens.

Work, work, work, she's never done.

Oh, she gets me down. 'Course, you see,

she's terribly plebeian, you know. Oh, so plebeian.

That means "common as muck".

Well, what do you expect? Look at her background.

Haven't you seen it yet? Well, have a good look next time she comes on. Oh, you can't miss it.

Right.

Dear mirror, I am beautiful, aren't I?

Oh, I do wish you wouldn't argue with me.

Lurcio!