American Dirtbags

My name is Larry Banking.

But don't be fooled by that pollack last name,

I'm about as American as fake tits and cheap beer.

Now I ain't gonna lie to y'all, I'm pretty fucked right now,

and I'm damn sure this big son of a bitch

ain't fixin' to let me catch my breath neither.

Hell, I can't say I blame him.

I probably shouldn't have been fucking his wife,

especially after I found out his nickname was Bigfoot.

I guess I'm gonna be dyin' young, just like my daddy.

Except he was droppin' a deuce,

nine 8-balls in on a two day coke binge,

he had himself a heart attack on the god damn commode.

Now I never heard him say it or nothin',

but I bet you that's how he wanted to go.

Just like Elvis.

After daddy died, we were so poor,

we didn't have two nickels to rub together to start a fire.

Course, that ain't how you start a fire.

But I'd appreciate it if you guys wouldn't be assholes today, all right?

Mamma lost the trailer, so we moved in with uncle Ronny.

He wasn't no uncle.

That dude was the DJ from the strip club

she started dancin' at.

Ya'll gonna have to share that couch 'til your mama

cleans out that room with all the cat shit in it.

Don't be shitheads to your uncle Ronny, all right?

Damn right, all right.

Watchin' you, boy.

Come to think of it,

I think he was selling ecstasy or something, too.

As soon as I could get out, I was gone, boy.

Moved my country ass to the big city.

They call Atlanta New York of the south,

Phoenix City.

That damn burnin' bird is on god damn everything.

During the civil war it was a major military supply hub.

Had Sherman not burned that son of a bitch to the ground,

we might be living in the confederate states of America.

Just sayin'.

First job I got was at a porn shop.

Now I'd seen porno, hell,

everybody gotta release the demon sometime.

You got anything where the woman dominates the man

by making him wear a horse mask

and then kicking him in the balls repeatedly until he pukes?

I wasn't ready for that shit

Now, granted, I was sheltered.

I was born and raised in Gainesville, Georgia,

the poultry capital of the world.

But I'd seen spank mags and stuff.

Hell, Ronny had a serious porn stash,

one that might rival the most compulsive

of the compulsive masturbators.

This was something else, I couldn't do that shit.

Hell, no.

Hey.

Hey, heard you guys are hiring?

Ok.

I'm serious, I need to work.

White boy, you must be trippin'.

No, I'll do anything you guys need me to do.

All right, start pickin' up these leaves.

All right, guys, break time.

He might make it past lunch,

but he won't be back tomorrow.

His nose gonna be so runny.

Aw, man, he ain't got no hat, man.

Dude got no coat!

Nobody thought I'd last two days out there on that roof.

I worked that job for five fucking years.

We actually ended up being friends.

In fact, my boy Richard's sister introduced me

to this girl named Stephanie.

Hello.

We hit it off, man, fast.

Maybe a little too fast.

She got pregnant,

we got married.

She had a miscarriage,

we got divorced.

Best move of my fucking life.

Never forget that when you marry someone,

it ain't just them, it's their entire

god damn family you're gettin' hitched to.

And her family was fucking nuts.

Her daddy was a taxidermist, he had a whole room

with all kinds of weird shit in it,

possums, dressed-up raccoons,

I think he had a fucking buffalo, you name it.

It's creepy as hell and dead as fuck,

her daddy got a stuffed one.

Something ain't right with a man who gets off

playin' with dead things he finds on the side of the road.

Her mama was just as bad, except she was a religious nut

two steps away from being that psycho mother

in that movie Carrie.

And I'm talkin' about the one with Sissy Spacek,

not that shitty remake with the bitch from kick-ass.

Oh father in heaven, lord of lords,

king of kings,

oh divine benevolence, root of David,

sweet lion of the tribe of Judah,

bless our food and forgive us our sins,

for we know we our horrible, evil sinners

who deserve to have our eyes plucked out,

and our souls cast into the fiery trenches of hell,

to be slowly cooked alive and sodomized by Lucifer

and his many legions of demons forever and ever.

Amen.

Amen.

- Amen. - All right,

who's ready for dinner?

This looks delicious.

After the divorce was final,

I moved in with this dude I found online, Harvey.

What up, bro, welcome to the titty tent.

Hope you brought penicillin.

He was a pussy-hound, boy,

chicks were coming in and out of our apartment

like we was having a fucking fire sale.

I don't know what that dude was doing, but whatever it was,

it was working.

He was gettin' so much tail,

that shit was tricklin' down on to me.

It was like god damn Reaganomics except with pussy.

Gettin' laid was great and all,

but I was broke as a joke, boy.

I was still doin' roofing,

and I wasn't paying too much for my room with Harvey,

but that bitch lawyer got me by the balls

during the divorce.

We won't be satisfied until we have his nuts.

What, oh no, be reasonable, they weren't even together for very long.

Be reasonable, is that what lawyering is to you, Jack?

- Yes. - Reasonable?

You know what's reasonable, leaving you, like your wife did.

That's reasonable, you know what else is reasonable?

I don't want just his nuts, I want your nuts, too.

You remember what nuts are Jack,

those are those two things in your throat

that you have to cough up every once in awhile.

And I want your dick, your little shriveled up baby dick

that you can't get hard anymore.

So take your little boy hands, and reach into your diaper

that you're shitting yourself in right now

and pull out your baby dick and cough up your nuts

and let's make a deal.

Yes ma'am.

Are you fucking cryin', right now?

No.

Do you wanna go get pizza?

Me, too.

Thanks guys.

I wouldn't be surprised if she went home at night and took cute little innocent puppies

and drowned 'em in her fucking tub.

I hope that cold-hearted bitch gets mauled

by a god damn mountain lion.

Shit was gettin' rough.

Sometimes I was payin' for gas and smokes

with change I found in the couch.

- Hey, mister? - Yeah, buddy?

Will you buy me a six-pack?

- No. - Hold on,

a six-pack is worth, what, eight bucks?

I'll give you thirty bucks, keep the change.

Now I ain't tryin' to be a bad guy,

and I ain't tryin' to be a bad influence, neither,

but I just figured, fuck it.

Yeah, all right.

Yes.

Next thing I knew, I had a little business goin'.

And business was boomin' boy.

All right, now normally the 40s are 20,

I'm sold out of six-packs right now,

you can get a fifth for $50 or a handle for 100.

On account of it bein' the holidays,

I'm doin' a 20% discount, what you guys want?

- I want a beer - whiskey.

Word spread like a damn field fire in California.

In just two months, I was supplyin' teenagers with booze

in six different counties, for real, man.

Now try to keep in mind,

I wasn't tryin' to do nothin' wrong,

it's not like I was sellin' drugs to little kids.

Hell, I don't even mess with drugs, man,

and God knows I could have gotten into that shit.

I tried it once or twice, I didn't like it.

My brother Victor, though, took to that shit

like a fish to fucking water.

20 bucks.

Yeah, yeah, bro, this shit better be good. Last shit you gave me wasn't.

When he was a teenager, he started stealing

from Ronny's stash and selling it at school.

He'd be tripping out if I told him what I started doin'.

I quit my job and went full-time booze bandit.

It was excitin', man.

I felt like Bo and Luke Duke runnin' from Boss Hog.

Minus the shitty blue jeans and faggy hair, no offense.

Those Vietnamese dudes at the liquor store