A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Okay, stand by, everybody. Tangos One and Two have now entered the Arrivals Hall.

Which has the case, please? Tango One has the case at this stage.

Right, hold on Tango One, then, please.

Oh, there's been a changeover. Tango One has passed the case to Tango Two.

And Tango Two doesn't want it, he's given it back.

What? Are you sure that is Tango Two?

Well, I thought it was Tango Two. Whoever he is, he didn't...

Oh, no, it's Tango Two all right. He just doesn't want the case.

Well, neither of them wants the case now.

Well, who has the case? AGENT 1: Tango One.

Well, they're looking around now.

I think they may...

They may just be beginning to get a little bit suspicious now.

I think they may have sensed the camera.

Have they rumbled our position? I think they've rumbled our position.

Well, pull out, pull out. All units, trouser, trouser, trouser.

All units, trouser, trouser, trouser. Pull out.

Anyway, the hire car was absolutely ready and waiting when we arrived at Heraklion airport.

We'd done a deal with Hertz, through Amex,

which meant we were able to upgrade the category without paying the extra price differential.

This is one of the Hertz girl, Tonya, with the car.

It's a Renault Mountaineer, specially designed for the Cretan terrain.

Handles beautifully, we were very pleased with the colour.

Were you, by crikey.

Anyway, I'd studied the map of the roads from Heraklion while having lunch on the plane.

- Did I tell you about lunch on the plane? - In some detail, as a matter of fact.

Oh, look, here's another one of the lunch tray.

I don't know how that got in there, must have muddled up the order somehow.

I've been sucked into the deepest pit of hell.

Oh, look. And here's one of the Renault's instrument panel.

Uniquely fascinating.

That's the left-hand control stalk with main beam, wipe wash and hooter on it.

Oh, that's interesting!

And here's one of the right-hand control stalk with indicators and so forth.

Oh, I think this is gonna give me an erection.

Anyway, so we skirted round Souda Bay via Thalakos.

I discovered this marvelous little off-the-beaten-track taverna.

It really was so authentic. Everyone there spoke...

- Really, you should have been there. - Oh, no. I shouldn't.

No, I shouldn't have been there. No.

- This is one of me pointing at my moussaka. - Oh, wait a second, isn't that a revolting sight?

And this is one of me on the toilet half an hour later.

I used a self-timer for that one

because the whole new Minolta range have got self-timers.

Self-timers? Oh, well, then I must leave at once.

I discovered this marvelous little man in Hadia

who developed film the traditional Cretan way.

Nikos his name was, or Costas. Could have been Andreas.

Oh, but I must find out. Which? Which was his name?

- This is him on the toilet. - Go away!

Right. Well, you touch my daughter again and it'll be a slide show. You understand?

- Hello. Both just got time to tell you... - Just.

Just got time, yes. We both, well, we both used to have problems around here, didn't we?

- Just around the eye area. - Certainly did.

- Just there. - And this area as well.

- Here and round there. - That's right. It was awful.

Our eyes just kept coming out, didn't they?

- Couldn't keep them in. It was horrible. - Ghastly. Now, thankfully, it's all cleared up.

- It's stopped happening, hasn't it? - Effectively, yes.

Yes, yes, they don't fall out anymore and we're pleased about that, aren't we?

- Delighted. Yes. - Hmm.

- Officer! - Good morning, sir. Would you like to take a seat?

- Is there a queue? - Well, you may be more comfortable that way.

No. I'm all right standing up, thanks.

My name's Oliver, by the way. Excited to know you.

- Oh, Peter Franks. - Hi, Peter. Peter, listen would you like a coffee?

Filter, espresso, cappuccino. We offer decaf on all of those.

Well, that's very kind. Do you have a tea?

Tea... I don't think so, Peter. I'll just check that for you. Hello, Mabel, my love.

It's Oliver here. Listen, my darling, do we carry a tea machine?

- Sorry, dear. - Yes, I thought not. Many thanks, pet.

- Sorry, Peter, no tea. - Oh, doesn't matter. Don't worry.

- So, how may we help you? - Well, this is a police station, isn't it?

- Well, of course it is, Peter. Yes. - Yes. 'Cause I tried to ring you earlier

but you must have changed your number, all I got was music playing in my ear.

The thing is, my car's been stolen.

- Your car's been stolen? - Yes.

Oh, Peter, I am sorry to hear that.

Aw. And you'd like us to do something about it?

Well, yes, please.

Okay, well, have you had a look at our brochure, Peter? If you'll pardon the pun.

What pun?

Wasn't there one? Oh, I'm sorry. Well, Peter, if you'd like to come with me,

we'll go through it together. Would you like to take a seat?

Now, Peter, we offer basically three kinds of stolen car recovery service.

That's the super, the lovely and the gorgeous.

Now, the super is a basic non-priority listing of your car.

The lovely is higher priority, and the gorgeous is A1 top priority.

We put all our team onto it, field and creative. And that also includes a full waxing and valeting

- of your car on recovery. - I see.

Obviously, Peter, the gorgeous is a more expensive service.

- I beg your pardon? - Do you have an account with us?

- Account? No. - Oh, you're a shareholder, perhaps?

- Well, I'm a citizen, if that's what you mean. - Citizen. Oh, you mean client?

Look, I don't want to sound stupid, but I get back to England, I find my car's been stolen...

Peter, you've been away? Did you perhaps miss the privatisation of the police force?

- The what? - This is now a branch office of Brit Law PLC.

- Would you like to fill out a form? - Fill out a form? Fill out a form?

You mean fill in a form. Has everyone suddenly turned American?

Now, Peter I shall need your address, I shall need your place and date of birth,

your car registration number, and we should be able to have an account verified within 14 days.

- Subject to status. - This is insanity. I'm a taxpayer.

Peter, everybody had a chance to buy shares at the time of issue.

It was all supervised by a reputable merchant bank. Well, by a merchant bank anyway.

- This is madness. I'm leaving. - No, Peter. Not that way. Not that way, Peter.

- What? - That's the High Street.

- Yes? - The High Street is owned by UK Highroads PLC.

We're employed by them to make sure that only those

with valid roadway passes use the street.

But that's the Queen's highway for goodness sake, surely I can use that.

Queen's...? Oh, you have shares in the Royal Family PLC. That would be quite sufficient.

Shares in the... No, of course I haven't.

Well, Peter, I'm afraid I must ask you to come with me to the restraining bar.

Now, if you'd just like to put your hands on the detention knob.

- But I haven't done anything. - Not the gold member cuffs for you.

I'm afraid we'll have to use the bronze, Master Peter.

- No, no. Absolutely... no. No, I refuse. No. - Now, Peter. Peter.

- Peter? - What?

Well, you haven't changed that much, then.

Welcome to Argue the Toss. My tosser this week is Simon Clituris.

Simon Clituris, you saw that sketch. What did you think?

- Well, I thought the sketch worked on two levels. - Only two?

Ah. Yes, you're right. I'm being simplistic. I thought it worked on nine levels.

- I thought I spotted 12. - Yes, yes. Well, yes, 12 if you include the...

But, for heaven's sake, let's be condescending about this.

- Absolutely. - I thought it worked, on the one hand,

as a simple satire on modern Britain.

And on the other hand, as a metaphor for the problem of redemption.

- What about the underlying theme? - Ah. Which one?

Well, the underlying theme of a man desperately trying to recover his stolen car.

Well, that I thought was the least successful of all the underlying themes. It didn't work for me.

- That's where the sketch really just disappeared. - Simply vanished?

- Completely vanished. - I see. And the main characters?

Well, I felt I didn't know enough about them. I was reminded of those occasions

when one is asked to sleep with someone one doesn't know particularly well.

Consequently, I was nervous and the whole thing was a disappointment.

- In a word. - Brilliant.

Simon Clituris, thank you very much.

Welcome to Up the Arts. Martin Utrecht, you saw those critics there.

- Were you impressed by what they had to say? - Let me say that it seems to me

that what they were trying to achieve was essentially two-fold.

I don't think it would be quite fair to judge them on that small extract we just saw.

Good. So what was your judgement of the small extract we just saw?

Well, it seems to me that they were trying to assess a comedy sketch, a humouresque routine...

Did that work for you? For me, there was something about their criticism

that was, I don't know, what's the word? Sterile?

I was going to say fertile. Hardly different. No, I have to say it didn't work for me, no.

I think, on the one hand, they were trying to encompass too much.

They were overambitious.

I was going to say overcautious. Yes. Hardly different.

And, on the other hand, they were trying to present themselves as viable human beings

- attempting to make sense of their... of their, um... - Environment?

I was going to say trousers. Hardly different.

Trousers, environment. Environment, trousers. It's a kind of square.

I was gonna say circle. Much the same thing. And on the other hand...

Ah, you've got three hands.

- I've got three hands... - They, of course, were doing a two-hander.

Would they have benefited from an extra hand? Would that have come in... useful?

I feel with an extra hand, they might just have got away with it.

Did you enjoy their criticism?

Oh, I loved it. I wanted to go to bed with it and kiss it in many soft, private, little places.

- So their future as critics, bulbous, would you say? - Yes, perineal. The exact word.

- So we're agreed? - Of course not.

Hello, welcome to Oh, No, Not Another One.

Of all the deodorants, this is the one that I enjoy using most.

It feels real nice going on and it smells good

and keeps me dry all day.

I don't have to worry about it cutting out in clutch moments.

All of the other ones are just...

I don't know. They just never seem to hold up under pressure for me.

I can put this on once during the day

and for the rest of the day I'm fine, I'm all set up.

I don't have to worry about, you know, social nervousness or anything.

It's just... It keeps me feeling good and fresh and I love the smell.

I don't think there's any deodorant that comes close to this one.

I think it was Donald Mainstock, the great amateur squash player,

who pointed out how lovely I was.

Until that time, I think it was safe to say

that I had never really been aware of my own timeless brand of loveliness.

But his words smote me because, of course you see,

I am lovely in a fluffy moist kind of a way and who would have it otherwise?

I walk, let's be splendid about this,

in a lightly accented cloud of gorgeousness that isn't far short of being, quite simply, terrific.

The secret of smooth almost shiny loveliness of the order of which we're discussing

in this simple, frank, creamy soft way

doesn't reside in oils, unguents, balms, ointments, creams, astringents, milks, moisturisers,

liniments, lubricants, embrocations or balsams, to be rather divine for just one noble moment.

It resides, and I mean this in a pink, slightly special way, in one's attitude of mind.

To be gorgeous and high and true and fine and fluffy and moist and sticky and lovely,

all you have to do is to believe that one is gorgeous and high and true and fine and fluffy

and moist and sticky and lovely.

And I believe it of myself, tremulously at first, and then with mounting heat and passion

because, stopping off for a second to be super again, I'm so often told it.

That's the secret really.

Waiter.

- Sir? - There's something wrong with my soup.

Oh, I wouldn't say that, sir. It looks very smart to me.

What?

Nice pinstripe.

No, no. No, my soup. There's something wrong with my soup.