Jeff & Some Aliens

Hey, guys, it's Friday.

Did you remember to charge my vape?

'Cause we're gonna get fu... ah!

Ah! Jeff! You're home early.

Whoa, what are you doing to these poor guys?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

I'm just rearranging a few of their memories.

It's... it's for their mental health.

- - O... kay.

And they know you're doing this?

Know about it? They... they practically begged me to do it.

It's so weird, Ted.

I've fallen behind on my payments.

I have no idea how this could've ha...

Oh, my gosh! Sammy!

Are you wiring money from my account into...

No, no, no, no, no. That's not at all what's happening.

Here, look at this.

Okay, now let's reformat this a little bit.

It's so weird, Ted.

I've fallen behind on my payments.

I have no idea how this could've ha...

Oh, my gosh! Sammy!

You baked pumpkin muffins?

That's right. Because you guys are my best friends,

and you deserve to be spoiled.

both: Aww.

- - Hey, uh,

you never used that memory changing thing on me, have you?

No. Why do you... why are you asking?

- Okay, good. -

Huh? Birdseed?

What the hell is this doing here?

I...

You know, that's funny. I've always loved birds.

I mean, maybe this is a sign.

Maybe I should get one. What do you think?

No, no, no, no, definitely not, okay?

I hate birds, they smell, they squawk,

and... and once you get one, you're gonna get attached.

You're not gonna want to get rid of it.

I-I think it's a bad idea.

Okay, fine, jeez.

- I won't get a bird. -

What? That's weird.

I just got a comment on a video

I don't even remember posting.

- Can you say I love you? - I love you, Jeff.

- - Huh?

Ha-ha. Look... look, he's dancing.

- -

Oh, it tickles. It tickles.

I had a pet bird? And you killed him.

Didn't ya? Didn't ya?

So, well, anyways, like I was saying,

thank you so much for making me those pumpkin muffins.

They. Were. Delicious!

Wait... What?

That brings back memories.

The stove!

Guys, uh, how much longer is this slideshow?

Maybe there was a miscommunication.

I-I thought I was coming over for dinner,

and I'm actually really hungry right now.

We're honoring this house, Jeff.

Because very soon,

we're gonna have to say good-bye to her.

What? Wait, why? What's happening?

Greedy corporate fat cats.

They're buying up the neighborhood,

but we wouldn't sell.

So they hit us with a bunch of bogus zoning violations.

Maybe I can help. How much are the fines?

$75,000.

And if we don't pay this month,

they're kicking us out.

- Oh, honey. - Don't worry, guys.

I have a plan.

I'm sorry, sir.

With your income, there's absolutely no way

we could give you a loan.

Okay, let me get this straight.

I have to already have money to borrow money?

What kind of sense does that make?

Sir, I don't make the rules.

Okay, well, I have a new plan.

A raise? Yeah, right.

Come on, man, you didn't even really hear me out.

I'm telling you I have all kinds of cool ideas

that could be really profitable...

Ideas, huh? What kind of ideas?

Okay, how about this? The "super smoothie."

Okay, I'm listening. What is it?

I don't... totally know yet.

All I have is the name so far,

but it's good, right?

You weren't, by any chance, high

when you came up with this idea, were you?

I may have been.

All right, Jeff.

I got a lot of stuff I gotta do and, uh...

Savory smoothies. Uh, that's an idea

that could maybe work. Maybe not. I don't know.

- It's just a thing... - Oh, Jeff.

Don't ya see?

You need so much more than a raise.

You need to be transformed. You need to be inspired.

You need to be rebuilt from scratch.

And I'm gonna take you to the one man

So this is instead of the raise?

Cool. Cool.

Yeah! All right!

Impossible can what?

all: Suck my balls!

Thank you! Thank you!

You know how I know you people are smart?

Because you paid $500 to hear me talk.

I am the world's greatest public speaker.

Come on! You believed that, right?

It's because I said it with confidence.

With confidence, you can bend the world to your will.

It's how I've dominated real estate,

stocks, sports, and women.

I mean, you should have seen this broad

I was with last night.

Let's just say she was a-dynomite!

Ga ga ga ga!

- - Um, what does this have to do

- with making smoothies again? - Shh.

You're not gonna learn anything if you're always talking.

The story you tell yourself of who you are,

that's who you become.

So if you tell yourself you're a loser

and you get cancer, well, folks, that's on you.

But if you tell yourself you're a winner,

like I do a thousand times a day,

then you just watch as all the insecure

and pathetic losers of the world

begin to bow at your feet like dogs.

And I'll take two of the Zarzonian jackets.

You know the ones with the little fringes?

Yes, yes, exactly.

Sammy, I need your help.

Bruce Starr made it all so clear.

You can't get ahead in this world

unless you believe you're a winner.

And if I'm gonna help my parents,

you gotta break out that memory changer

and swap out all my loser memories with...

Wait, you have a memory mach...

Hey, uh, try to keep your voice down

around these guys, okay?

Wait, this is safe, right?

Don't worry. You're in good hands, Jeff.

I've become a real artist with this thing.

They said they'd be here.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

This is the best party I've ever been to.

- Thanks, Hef. -

Gross! Wart cream? What a loser!

- - Whoa!

An Oscar for Best Supporting Actor?

That's awesome!

I mean, really, it should have been, like, Best Lead.

But, you know... politics, right?

- -

And you don't have these in a bigger size?

You know, there's a plus size store down the street.

- - Oh! So handsome!

Uh, my name is Jean Carlo Feliti.

I am the top model scout of all Italy, and...

Sorry, buddy, I already have representation,

print and runway. So buzz off.

- -

- - Thank you, thank you.

I'll make room for this somewhere.

- -

- -

- Is this it? -

- -

- -

- -

- -

How you feeling, buddy?

I feel... good.

Holy , I mean, I know I've always been handsome,

but today I look like a sex god, baby.

- Jeff? - Oh, yeah, delicious.