The Hard Times of RJ Berger

- Dude, what are you staring at?

Did Kevin Stern take a crap in the hallway again?

- No, dude, I think Max Owens really blew it this time.

- Oh. - Oh, man!

I wish I could read lips.

Dude, reading lips is a myth created by deaf people.

What you need to do is read their body language.

Here, allow me to narrate.

Okay, Max is saying, "Jenny, the only reason I'm such a tool

"is 'cause I was raised by a bottle of self-tanning lotion."

- Shh. - "Oh, my God!

You use your hands so much when you talk."

- "Yeah, you know, it's 'cause I'm half Italian,

half douche bag."

- "I'm sick of your persian-like use of body spray.

You smell like a Taliban wedding."

- "Come on, Jenny, I just want to scratch my nose

and dabble in some bro-on-bro, bro."

- I did not cheat on you. - Just save it, okay?

I'm done. I don't want to hear it anymore.

- What? - I'm through!

I am not your girlfriend anymore!

Ooh.

Holy crap, dude.

I think your dream girl just updated her Facebook status

to "single."

My name is RJ Berger,

and I've just updated my status to "erect."

- Dude, this is the moment you've been begging God for.

- Yeah, except until this moment,

I didn't believe there was a God, miles.

I mean, what happened? - I'll tell you what happened.

Before school today, little old Jenny

went to drop off some cupcakes in Max's locker.

And what did she find inside?

- Max's black belt in sucking dong?

- She found a pair of red panties--

panties that did not belong to her.

- Oho-ho-ho. - What?

I mean, I just-- I don't understand.

I mean, who would ever cheat on Jenny Swanson?

Show me a hot chick,

and I'll show you a dude who's sick of getting tuggers from her.

- Is that why you switch hands every few months?

- If you're trying to get me to apologize for my love

of masturbation, it ain't gonna happen.

- You know what I love about breakups?

The aftermath.

The guy's friends tell him what a snobby bitch his girl was...

- I'm telling you, bro, Jenny is stuck the "f" up, man.

You need to get yourself a nice, subservient girl.

- Hey, dude, I dated this one chick who would get me off,

and then she would wash my boxers for me.

Hey, what about my sister?

I mean, she's not hot,

but, dude, she's got these perky a-cups coming in.

Just boo-doo-doo-doo-doo. Boom!

Hey, look, it'd be an honor.

- And the chick's BFFs hug her tight

and tell her what a total prick her man was.

I mean, sure, Max is hot,

but he treated you like garbage, Jenny.

You can do so much better.

And talk about "himbo."

I heard that he's so stupid

that he sometimes forgets to breathe.

Oh.

- And then there's the random dudes

who come out of the woodwork to take a stab at the sad girl.

And here's our first contestant.

Jed, the unwashed surfer poet.

Hey, what's up?

- You better go take a shot before it's too late, dude!

- Um, I'm not gonna go stand in line with a bunch of vultures.

I'm not that--

not that pathetic.

Thank you very much.

So where are you going?

- Christ, Berger, if I wanted somebody to fondle

the same jockstrap over and over, I'd put an ad on craigslist.

What's your deal?

I'm sorry, coach.

Uh, just a little distracted by the news about Max and Jenny.

- Yeah, yeah, I heard that. You know what else I heard?

Sa-wish. Max taking his frustrations out from three-point land.

Boy can't miss.

Hope he stays pissed through the game on Friday.

What's Max and Jenny got to do with you?

- Well, I-I know it's stupid, but I can't help but think

who Jenny might, you know, be with next.

- It could be anybody, son. - Really?

- Yeah. Anybody but you.

Berger, as your guidance counselor,

I feel it's my duty to tell you this--

I got a better chance of getting up in Beyonce's guts

than you got of getting with that piece of a-double-s.

I guess you're right.

- No, don't get all hangdog on me.

Now, I suppose everybody's got a one-in-a-million shot

at his dream coming true.

You know what my dream is?

Turning $2 into $7,000.

I don't believe it. - What, you won?

- No, I lost, just like I lose every day.

And that, Berger, is life.

You want dreams, take a nap.

There... Consider yourself "guidanced."

Oh, my God!

Is that a lump?

It's muscle.

Hey, little buddy, where'd you come from?

- Max is my best friend, but Jenny Swanson is fine.

So you know I'm gonna take a crack at that.

Okay, okay.

And get rejected like all those fools at lunch?

Come on, man.

You don't go after a girl right after the breakup.

You got to give that anger some time to, uh, ripen

into vulnerability.

- Yeah, it takes a while for those tears

to run down her body and into her panties.

All I know is

whoever's with that girl on Friday night is gonna...

"Bone her 100%."

Now, that's what the meatheads in the locker room said.

Dude, that could be you! Oh, my God.

Oh, have you ever run before? It totally sucks.

- Miles, it doesn't matter if it's me

or some mountain dew-che bag.

Jenny Swanson's not gonna say yes, no matter who asks her out.

Oh, I don't know, man.

Heartbroken girls make some bad decisions.

And you, my friend, could be that bad decision.

Oh, yeah, okay.

- But not if you don't hurry up and nuzzle up to her

before one of those jackasses does.

- It's not gonna happen, miles, okay?

I have a better chance of lightning striking my balls

than I do of getting anywhere near that beautiful girl.

- Well, looks like Ben Franklin just tied a kite to your nuts.

- Hey, RJ. - Hey, Jenny.

How are you? - Um, I'm okay.

Uh, listen, I was wondering if you have time

for an extra study-buddy session this week.

Sure. Uh, when?

I was thinking Friday night.

W-what about the big game?

- Yeah, cheering for Max is, um, kind of the last thing

I want to be doing.

But I don't want to sit home on a Friday night either.

So if it's cool, I'd like to hang out--

um, me, you, couple textbooks.

Yeah.

Uh, I'll bring the highlighters.

Thanks.

Yeah.

- Dude, you are going to study her brains out!

Hoo.

- Yo, miles, lose it or leave it?

Dude, that's "lose it."

Dude, we got to transform this place

into a love palace, all right?

Last time you studied with her, it was all business.

Friday it's got to be all pleasure.

Oh, and lose the frog. It's a mojo killer.

- Absolutely not. Wolverine is, like, family.

- Okay, I see what angle you're going with.

Jenny is the sexy princess,

and you're the wart-covered frog she kisses.

That's genius, man!

All right, now, talk me through your plan, all right?

How are you gonna go from, "hey, Jenny, you look super,"

to... "Yeah, oh, that's it, that's it"?

Miles, I'm--I'm--

I'm simply going to make her feel comfortable,

and then should, you know, that happen,

you know, that's cool too.

- Right, yeah, yeah, that's--that's great.

Make her feel comfortable.

all right?

Check this out, all right?

To the casual observer, this is just a biology book.

But when Jenny opens it, bam!

- Whoa! - All right?

The anatomy section's in 3-d, baby--

no glasses required, goggles optional.

- Miles, I'm not gonna trick her into touching my penis.

- Technically, you're only tricking her into looking at it.

- Okay, miles, I'm not tricking her into anything, okay?

I want her to like me as I am, frog and all.

- Bro, we're on the same page. Ah.

Oh.

- You know, that should have hurt,

but it kind of just, like, turtled back in.

Do it again.

- No, you may not cry in my office.

- Actually, I was going to ask if I could have Friday night off

from towel-boy duty.

- What, they having a midnight sale at the American girl store?