Friday Night Dinner

"We're in the back garden."

They're in the back garden?

Mum.

We're here! What do you...?

Yes, we know you're in the back garden

because there's a sign saying you're in the back garden.

Why are they in the back garden? You're joking!

Really? What?

You know that stupid thing they bought? What stupid th...?

No. No.

There they are! Hi, boys! Hi, bambinos, ha-ha!

My God... You really are in a hot tub.

I know! Isn't it great?

It's not great. Please get out.

Get out? Are you mad? Yeah, it's gorgeous in here. It's gorgeous.

Are you making a rap video or something? What?

Well, come on, get in, then.

Get in? Gross!

What do you mean, "Gross!"

Your bottoms have been in that water. Yeah. So?

Your bottoms have been in that air.

Not quite the same thing.

What's wrong with our bottoms? Yeah, your mother's got a lovely bum.

Live sex show.

Aren't you making dinner? What? No, we're getting a takeaway.

Which you'll be eating while lying in your own filth?

There's no filth, you berk. I added toilet cleaner, didn't I?

Toilet cleaner!

Toilet cleaner! Well, just a little. You know, genital germs, et cetera.

Right, I'm getting out now. Martin! Thank you.

Hello, all! Jim!

Jackie. What are you doing here?

Why have you got a great big bubbly bath outside?

It's a hot tub. Hot tub? Hot toilet. Thank you.

And do Jewish people not take baths indoors?

Not on Friday nights. Of course. Shalom.

Shalom.

What do you want, Jim? My sister's coming to visit me later. Sister?

I didn't know you had a sister.

Yes, Jackie. But she's rather scared of dogs,

so I wondered if you'd...

Please don't say, "Look after Wilson for me?"

..look after Wilson for me? Fantastic!

Um. Yeah, thanks, Jim, um, but we've never had a dog before...and...er...

Yeah, we wouldn't really know what to do with him, so...

It's OK, Jackie. Here are the instructions.

"Do not look Wilson in the eye for more than three seconds."

Well, we survived that.

It was supposed to be a relaxing night in,

and then that bloody thing turns up. Don't be like that, Jackie.

Well, where are we going to put him, then?

"Wilson doesn't like small spaces." That rules out the oven, ha!

"Or large spaces." So, nowhere on Earth?

Surely we can put him somewhere.

Outside. "Wilson should not be kept outside,

"as he has been known to frighten oxen."

Right. Shall we just order our food,

and get on with the bloody evening, yeah? Good idea.

And Martin, put some clothes on, this isn't a nudist camp. What?

You bugger!

We're getting Chinese.

Skill McGill! Skilligan McGilligan!

China Paradise. Where's that menu?

Not China Paradise. They don't deliver.

So? You'll just have to go and collect it.

Collect it? We have to collect the food? It's not the 1930s.

Shut up. Lazy shit-for-nothings. Thank you.

Can't we just get a delivery? Yeah, just find somewhere online.

Online? I'm not eating bloody internet food! Pardon?

Internet food? Not this again.

Dad, they don't actually make the food inside the internet.

Internet bloody food.

I've tried explaining it. It's not worth it.

And I'll need my card. My purse is in the kitchen.

Which we have to "collect"? Correct.

Master Jonathan, would you get the horse and cart ready?

Certainly, sir.

Pillocking pillocks.

"Internet food."

Yes, there's a tiny little man inside the computer.

In a tiny little chef's hat.

Is someone eating the house?

Wilson!

Er, is this something we should know about?

Sorry, one second. Have you got it?

Right, here we are.

What?

Nothing. Nothing.

So...

Could I also have the sizzling beef?

Collecting our food from the 1930s.

So, we're basically just looking after a wolf.

Evening. Can I help you?

Yeah. We ordered a takeaway. Goodman. Yes. Two minutes.

God. So now we just stand and wait for two minutes. I know. It's crazy.

Phone? Phone.

Jim! What's he doing here?

Smooth.

The pain!

Nice.

Good one, Jim.

He's seen us.

God. Here we go.

All right there, Jim?

Hello, boys, I didn't see you over there

because my hand was in the way.

Yeah. Aren't you seeing your sister tonight?

Am I? Yes, I am.

Dressed like that?

She's a very formal lady.

Here we are.

Hello.

Hello, my...wonderful sister.

I'm sorry?

Gentlemen, your food's just over there. Thanks.

Well, um, goodbye, Jim.

Yes, goodbye

That wasn't weird! That wasn't his sister!

A date? Yup. A date! Yup. With a real lady.

Bleeding hell. What's she like? Who cares what she's like.

He's just dumped Wilson on us so he can get some...

floozy back to his place!

Floozy? 1930s.

"My sister's scared of dogs."

Right! What are you doing? I'm calling him.

Really? Mum! Come on, Jackie, he's only having a bit of fun.

Yeah, Mum, he's only having some fun.

Fun? And what about me and your dad? What about our fun?

The hot tub. Hot toilet. Shut up.

The bubbly, the... Nippy-nippy. Shhh! Martin!

Er, what was that? Yeah, what did he just say?

Good boy, Wilson. No, not "Good boy, Wilson." What did Dad just say?

Nippy-nippy!

Martin! Please don't say that's your special name for...

Nippy-nippy! God, it is! Please kill us now!

Grow up. Everyone has their own name for it.

Do they? I don't. That's because you never get any nippy-nippy!

Ha, ha, ha. Yes!

Well, your father and I happen to call it nippy-nippy.

OK. Happy now? No, not happy now.

Unhappy now. Yes, very unhappy now.

What does it even mean, nippy-nippy? I don't know,

it's just what we call it. It's, you know, cute.

Cute? It's depraved. OK, just put the bloody plates out, will you?

Anyway, Jackie, we can still have our nippy-nippy later,

we'll just bung the dog in another room.

Thank you, Martin.

How romantic, bunging the dog in another room.

Hold on.

Er, I think someone's eating the house again.

What?

No, don't say!

My God!

Shit on it! Wilson!

Martin, take him upstairs, will you?

Pissing hell! And not in our room.

No, because he mustn't get in the way of your nippy-nippy.

Dad's condom delivery?

Um, hello, again, boys.

Hi, Jim, er, why are you... Wet? Yeah...

Well, um, after you left the restaurant that we were in,

I sort of set the tablecloth on fire

which sort of set off the um...

Sprinkler system.

Yes, which sort of made us, and all the other people in there, wet.

Very, very wet.

So, we went back to my house to get dry.

But on the way I slipped on a worm. A worm? Yes.

And dropped my keys all down a sort of drain.

So you're...? We're locked out.

Mum!

Um, is it all right if I use your bog, please?

Er, sure, the bog is just here.

The locksmith man won't be very long.

How's Wilson?

It's you.

Hello, Jackie, you look nice.

Having dinner with your sister, were you? Pardon, Jackie?

Hello. Can I...? Um, I can't seem to find the light switch in your bog.

Um, here.

Sorry. Jackie, this is Jackie.

So, Jim. Here's some of Martin's clothes for you.

Thank you, Martin. Sodding hell.

And, um, here's some of my things. I hope they're OK.

I'm sure they'll be just lovely. Jackie.