100% Service

Mr. Dobson, paging Mr. Dobson, paging Mr. Dobson, Mr. Dobson.

What was that?

What the--

Are you Dobson?

No, I'm not Dobson.

What do I know about Dobson?

Paging Mr. Dobson.

Paging Mr. Dobson.

How do you like that?

Mr. Dobson.

Well, anything I can do for you boys?

No.

No, not a thing.

No, I don't tell fortunes.

Paging Mr. Dobson, walking in here like that.

What kind of a place is this?

Who are you?

Who am I?

I'm the fellow forgot to tip the bellboys, that's who I am.

I don't worry about whether you tip them or not.

The only thing that the bellboys and I have in common

is that we split the tips.

Well, you and I are going to get along fine.

What are your rates?

Our $3 rooms are $5 and our $5 rooms are $7.

I'd like a $2 room for $2.

You want a $2 room?

A $2 room for $2, yes.

Oh.

Oh, you're thinking of the Jefferson Hotel.

The Jefferson Hotel?

Well, what's-- what's the name of this hotel?

Joe, what's the name of this hotel?

Why, the Jefferson.

Certainly was a surprise to me.

Oh, well, you wouldn't know.

You were only here 10 years.

Oh, thanks, a pen with every room.

Well, well, well, that's--

No, no, no, just put your name down in the book.

Oh, your register right here.

Yeah, your name, down there in the book.

My own name, uh.

Your name.

My name, what is the-- um, how do you spell Burns, please?

B-U-R-N-S.

Thanks very much.

B-U-R-N-S, that's lovely.

Well-- Uh, what is that?

What are those things?

What is that?

Mosquitoes.

Mosquitoes?

Well, I don't mind a few mosquitoes in the room,

but when they start to come down and look

what room you're getting, that's a little much for me.

Never mind my room. Say, what are you kicking about?

Now, what do you want?

Do you want a room with running water and without a bath,

or do you want a room without a bath and with running water?

I'd r-- I'd like a room with a bath, with running water,

but without mosquitoes.

That's what I'd like.

Take a number.

What?

Yeah, take a number.

Take any number at all.

Just take a number.

A number, 10.

10, good.

Now, uh, divide it by two.

What is that?

Uh, five.

Right, now add eight.

13.

13, right.

Joe, give him room 45.

Ouch, uh, 45.

Well, I'll see you girls later.

I'm Jacques McDoodle, and I want a nice single room for $1.

I'll give you a single room for $2.

Nay, nay, nay.

I'm all alone, and I want a nice single room for $1.

We're all out of single $1 rooms.

Ah, well, go on, go on, get out, go on.

Go, on get out.

You, as well, go on, go on, go on, go on, go, on, go on.

Could I interrupt that card game?

Oh, and I was winning, too.

What do you want?

I'd like to have two cigars for a quarter.

Here's a $5 bill.

Anything else, please?

Yes, I'd like $4.75.

Oh, no, we have no cigars for $4.75.

Who wants cigars for $4.75?

Who--

I want cigars two for a quarter.

Oh, I think it's awfully silly to buy $4.75 cigars

when they're only two for a quarter.

Well, who's going to pay $4.75?

Well, never mind the whole affair.

Here, give me back my $5 bill.

Oh, no, we never refund money.

And besides, you should have counted your change

before you left the counter.

I didn't leave the counter.

Oh.

I didn't get any change.

I didn't get any cigars.

Oh, now, look, am I going to have the same trouble with you

I had with this other fella?

I'm going to call the detective.

Hey, Mr. Sweeney, Mr. Sweeney?

Uh, Mr. Sweeney, would you like a cigar?

Why, sure. Come here, Mr. Sweeney.

I want to tell you something.

Look, Mr. Sweeney, this man gave me $5,

and he bought two cigars for $0.25.

So how much do I owe him?

$4.75.

Yeah, and $4.75 from $5 leaves how much?

$0.25.

Yeah, and how much are these two cigars?

$0.25.

Well, that makes us even, doesn't it?

Why, certainly.

Well, then throw that crook out.

He had no business telling me I was wrong.

Say, have we got a--

Listen, you don't understand.

I know what I'm saying.

I'm working here.

This woman--

Right this way.

You got some nerve.

Oh, what is that, dancing in the lobby?

Yeah. Why, that's silly.

That's foolish.

Uh, Miss. What?

How much are those cigarettes there?

$0.25. I'll have that, please.

I'll have that.

Thank you very, very much.

Now, here's your $4.75 change.

$4.75?

Yes.

No, I gave you $0.25, not $5.

Now, look am I going to have the same trouble with you that I

had with the other fella?

Oh, no, no, you're not going to have any trouble with me.

I mean, I'll keep this.

I haven't got a dime.

I'm a pauper.

You're a what?

I'm a pauper.

Oh, congratulations!

Boy or girl?

No, I said a pauper, not a piper.

And don't ask me what that means, I don't know.

Uh, well, I'll see you again.

I mean, I have things to do.

Oh, where are you going?

Oh, I stay here a week, and then I

go to Florida for three weeks.

Oh, yes.

Oh, gee, I wish I could go to Florida for my birthday.

They say the winter sport sin Florida are great.

There are no winter sports in Florida.

Oh, no?

Well, one of them gave me that bracelet.

Oh, that's good.

It turned out to be a joke.

That's awfully good.

Well, I couldn't get to Florida any how for my birthday.

I'm going to Hollywood.

Hollywood?

Oh, that's a nice place to spend your birthday.

Yeah, I'm going in pictures.

In pictures?

Yeah, I made up my mind I'm going to be a picture star.

And then, you see, I could benefit by the mistakes

other people made.

Now, take Mary Pickford and Charlie

Chaplin and Douglas Fairbanks.

If they'd been managed right, they would have been stars.

Listen, I'd like to ask you something.

When you were small, did you fall on something

or did something fall on you?

What happened to you?

No, not that I remember.

Some little thing happened.

I can't-- oh, when I was born, I was so surprised,