Dave - Second Season

I'm an addict and I'm not that healthy.

I want to talk to people that are open.

I wanna learn about myself.

It's not going the way I want.

[second movement of Schubert's Piano Trio No. 2 playing]

Uh...

Oh, my God!

No, it's okay. I'm just peeing sitting down.

- -No poop.

How's your back?

Oh, it's turning into something different.

I need a little privacy. Sorry.

Oh, fuck.

Okay.

What are we doing, hospital corners?

-No. -What's your process?

-I got it. -Meet me in... All right.

-Just like this. -Whew!

Uh, did you sleep okay?

Oh, my God, I was like Rumpelstiltskin.

Are you kiddin'? It was great.

Slept like a baby under a rock.

Here, I got it, I got it.

All right, I'll let you, uh...

tend to the-- oh, my God, Monchichi!

It's been so long since I've seen you. What?

Yeah, Mama's been doing drugs.

-Oxys, I think, maybe speed. -Uh, Dave, I... I've got to go to work.

-Is there anything else that you need, or...? -I'm just talking to Monchichi.

Oh, whoa. What are youdoing here?

I slept on the couch-- no funny business.

I was just tending to her, uh,

-back issue. -I see.

No.

There's nothing to see.

I see.

Okay.

Hey, how would you feel about hanging out more intentionally?

Say... tomorrow night?

Uh, I... You know what?

Tomorrow I actually have a thing.

-I got a work... work thing. -Oh.

You know, my Instagram stalking has showed me

that you now teach seventh graders.

-Yes. -Uh, do you, like, find yourself working more

because they have a higher level of consciousness?

No. No.

Uh, it's just that t-tomorrow after school

I'm hosting this fundraising event

-for the kids. -Oh, cool.

-That's awesome. -Yeah, they cut

the funding for the arts program,

and I'm trying to save it,

-but it's whatever. -Not cool.

Talk your shit, girl.

-I gotta... I gotta go. -If I... Okay.

I'd love to hear more. But what about Thursday?

-Maybe. Maybe. -Okay, I'll text you.

-I'll get in your calendar. -Okay.

-Okay, say bye to Monchichi. -Bye.

Bye.

Hmm, you deserve a proper goodbye.

Okay, for real, though.

Did you guys hook up?

No.

I actually vomited on her.

I don't even want to know more.

What? You know everything. I just told you.

Mm-mm.

Okay.

Kareem heard your song.

Huh? What song?

Who's Kareem?

Are you serious, Dave?

Kareem Abdul-Jabber heard "Kareem Abdul-Jabber."

-No, he didn't. -Yeah.

-His manager just emailed me. -Wow!

-Mm-hmm. -It's been out for a year and a half.

-He's hearing it now? -He's 73, Dave.

Kareem the Dream?

The leading scorer in NBA history?

-That's the guy. -Is sitting over there listening to LD?

Wait till he hears your debut album Penith.

-If you ever write it. -Yeah, I'm sure he's gonna love it.

Man, the piss is just, it's shooting out of my dick

right now with this new information.

Good job, Mike. Way to... I don't know if you did anything,

-but good job. -I did.

Ah, man! Unbelievable.

Yeah, he wants to meet you today.

What is with this doorknob?

He wants to meet me today?

Yeah, today.

This is-- Ah! What a dream!

The man made of silk?

-Uh-huh. -And me?

What are we gonna do? This is unbelie...

I'm gonna touch his head and...

kiss-- I might kiss his face.

-Don't... -I got to piss so fu...

-Don't touch or kiss him, Dave. -Hey.

What's with the bathroom door? It's not opening.

-Turn the knob. Try turning it the other way. -I turned it, so...

Can you fix this?

I'm not the handyman, Dave.

Look. I'm running errands all day, so I'll-I'll figure it out.

-I'll take care of it, okay? -I'm gonna go outside

and piss on an anthill

and watch them all burn.

-Okay. -Kareem!

Bruh, why the fuck you got us eating this American food, bro?

I was just at this Ethiopian spot the other day.

That shit was fine! I mean, I'm telling you,

like, super fine, bro. And I just found out

that it's 2013 in Ethiopia, bro.

What-what does that... What do you-- No, they're...

It's now in Ethiopia.

Man, you got to respect it, bro.

They doing their own thing over there.

-Why are we eating this shit? -Okay, I-I don't know

what you're talking about, but we're eating at this place

because my clients wanted

-to meet me here, so... -Your clients?

How the fuck you got new clients, bro?

You didn't even check my music out yet.

I'm posting my shit all in the comments,

-tweeting at reality shows. -I know. Gata, it...

it slid on my desk-- I didn't even go looking for it.

-It just happened to be. - Oh, wow, so you just moguling up out here,

-you and your boss shit, huh? -True.

Attention, attention, everyone.

This establishment is being shut down immediately.

All right, we found out they're serving horse meat.

-All right? -

God, please don't eat that. Thank you.

We're gonna get this all checked out.

We're gonna analyze it.

-Nothing to worry about. -What?

-What the hell is going on? -These sandwiches right here,

-right here, everybody... -No. Stop. Listen. I'm losing business!

What are you doing!?

-Horsemeat. -You are ruining my life!

: Bro! Bro, it's a prank!

-Yo, it's a prank, bro! -Got eem!

-Dude, it's all fake. It's a prank. -Yo, Mike, yo!

Yo.

-What's up, Mike? -Dude, we got him, bro, we got him!

Very good, guys.

These are The Stone Twins. These are my clients.

-They're huge on TikTok. -Yo, how'd it look?

Wow. -It looked good.

I'm gonna have to get some signatures, because-- Right?

-Yeah. You mean to tell me y'all

fuck with people for a living,

put it on the Internet and get paid?

-Yeah. -Yeah, it's our main thing, but we also do challenges

-and dances. -Ah, that's some white people shit for real.

-But I respect the gander y'all got going. -Thanks, man.

Uh, Gata's Lil Dicky's hype man.

Bro, he's a fucking legend.

-He's a legend. -That's why we signed with Mike.

Oh, yeah, that's cool, but I'm not just a hype man, though.

I really be rappin', doing my shit, too.

That's so fire. Yo, let us shout you out on IG real quick,

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna get y'all on my shit, too.

Ah, dude, we're gonna boost you up, bro. Let's go.

Oh, hell yeah. Hey, I'm already...

[Gata, Brody and Cody all taking at once]

Dude's got bars, bro...

Oh, my God, that's, like, Barack Obama gave you this thing,

didn't he? This is...

That's a real MVP trophy. How many MVPs have you won?

-Six. -Six?

That's right.

Geez Louise. You still hoop?

No.

I mean, look at these shorts. They're so tight.

Like, aren't things, like, flying and flopping around?

-And, I mean, the goggles... -Can I offer you something to drink?

I'd love a tall drink of water.

You know where I can find one?

Just messin' around. This is from the era when guys

were, like, you know, going around dribbling

like this, you know, and they're just, like...

You got Cousy running around, and...

I feel like there were, like,

Jewish men in the league back then.

Hey, how do you go about picking a Muslim name?

Like, how, like...

what is that process?

Let's go sit down.

Yeah.

All right.

Wow, what a foyer. Or "foy-yay."

-Oh, thanks. -Yeah.

What do you even do all day?

Well, these days I spend a lot of time writing.

Please, have a seat.

Players' Tribune?

I'm talking to them about, uh, doing, like, a cartoon