Space Force

# ...universe #

# We keep the galaxy from getting worse! #

# Always jogging on the spot. #

# We're the Space Force, an ace corps. #

# We will fight to keep your planet free, #

# you can see us fight the tyranny. #

# We can help you out a lot, #

# We're the Space Force... #

# ...we're all you've got. #

# We fly through the stars to the rescue in a hurry, #

# ready to defend any Tom, Dick, or Merry. #

# If yo asteroid is in distress, #

# or your solar sys' is in a mess, #

# or, when things don't look so hot: #

# Call an ace corps, call the Space Force. #

# Call the Space Force, of course! # (Who?)

Hear ye, hear ye. This is the ship crier, and all is well.

Here's today's environmental program for Alliance Space Force Leo.

Rain simulation on deck 4, snow simulation in all recreation areas.

And, as requested by those fun lovers on deck 11:

We are continuing the drought on deck 12.

Captain Stoner! Agent Berkowitz didn't make contact like he was supposed to.

Try raising him on the emergency frequency.

Well I can't! I have my girlfriend Clarice on the emergency frequency.

- Your girlfriend? - I'm glad you asked.

She's having a big dinner party for me, but the commuter credits...

...are all on strike, and she couldn't go shopping...

Private Flec, that frequency is for military emergencies, not personal ones.

Roger sir, as a rodge.

The computer channel's open.

Hello, dummies! No offense! Well, what do you want to know?

Ask me a question and I tell you no lies.

DORC, compute last known location of agent Berkowitz.

- That's easy... Ask me something hard! - DORC!

Alright, he last reported from the planet Algon, the Upper West Side.

- Thank you. - That's all? I live to give answers!

Come on, ask me another question. - Alright:

Why do you insist on speaking in that stupid German accent?

I was made in Germany, what should I talk like, an Eskimo? Next question.

We have no further questions at this point in time.

Wait a minute. I do, Dorc.

What size Turkey for sixteen dinner guests?

25 to 30 pounds. So what kind of stuffing are you gonna use?

Dorc! You're supposed to be used for military business, not cooking business!

Why not? I'm a DORC-type computer, right?

That stands for Digital, Omnifunctional, Rotisserie, and Computing.

When the ribs are done, just shove your bird in here, I'll cook it for you.

- Who are those ribs for? - The morale officer, colonel Sanders.

- DORC... - Don't try it,

...I'm warning you, I know karate.

Oh captain Stoner, commander Hinkley wants to see you.

Thank you private Flec.

Commander Hinkley said he did not want to be disturbed.

You just said he wanted to see me.

I know. That's two orders he gave me. I'm confused.

Use your brains. Which order should you pay attention to?

Do you think I can get DORC to help me on that one, sir?

- Flec, get out of my way. - Yes sir.

Wait! There's a piece of string on your uniform!

- There is? - Can I have it for my collection?

- Are you still collecting string? - Uhuh.

String. Ice cream sticks. Broken buttons, and shells. But...

...string's my favorite.

Flec, I think it's time for a visit to the ship psychiatrist.

Right. I'll make an appointment for you.

- Not me, you! - Okay, we'll go together.

- Flec! - Attention: It is now officially evening.

We are putting all internal systems to night mode.

Corporal Milford?

I'm innocent, I didn't mean to, I thought I...

Oh, Eve, it's only you. You could have been cap-captain Stoner.

I know he's going to ca-catch us this time.

Don't worry about him! What's with all this money?

Oh, you don't wanna know. It'll make you an acce-accessory.

Accessory? Don't be silly, come on, tell me.

O-okay... While you were away on leave, captain Woods organized a carnival...

...to raise money for a chil- a Children's Hospital on planet Triton.

So? - The so is,

...we're selling unauthorized military gear to civilians, and what's worse,

we're selling unauth-unauthorized joyrides in our star-star correar.

You shouldn't have told me that Milford!

- Why not? - It makes me an accessory!

You know, this whole deal is making me very nervous.

That's why I get another hic-hic-hiccup-hiccup attack.

Oh, so that's what that noise is! I thought it was the sink backing up.

- Sargeant Bailey... - We're innocent!

Oh, captain Woods, Zabar.

See? I told you old George here wouldn't forget our names.

I'm sure glad you're back, we can really use you in this deal we're running.

I thought you'd never ask. Is this one really for a children's hospital?

Yeah honest. Cross my nose and hope to die.

The entire Galaxy has come. This charity has touched their hearts.

And their wallets:

We even got a very nice price for commander Hinkley's bathtub.

What? You took commander Hinkley's bathtub?

- He'll never miss it! - Of course he'll miss it!

He's got to miss it! The bathwater can go all over the floor!

Milford, all things belong to all people.

The commander's bathtub belongs to the universe.

Wow that's gonna leave one heck of a ring!

Captain Stoner's going to catch us. Count me out of this deal, okay?

Well Milford, if you want out, you're out.

Thanks. Does that mean I don't get my cut?

That's it Bobby, keep your greedy side up.

Okay everyone, let's get back to work,

and nobody gets a cut. What time is it anyway?

Tme? Time for people to come together as brothers,

time for planets to revolve as one,

time for universal understanding.

- It says all that on your watch? - No my watch says 3:45.

You know lieutenant, sometimes your Brotherhood compulsion

makes me want to smack you in the chapter.

I can't help it. My people are born with Brotherhood in their chops.

Squad one scramble, squad one scramble.

UPI vessel for invading alliance perimeter.

All right let's go.

Hold it slow folks.

Wait a minute, captain Stoner, is this another one of your dumb drills?

Exactly. And it took this crew 18.4 seconds.

Should be ashamed of yourselves.

You're right, Stoner. Crew! Look ashamed!

A little more. Too much. Pick it up. In between.

Stow the ashamed.

What a poor excuse for a military outfit.

This crew better shape up!

Except for you, Bailey, you're in... pretty good shape as it is.

Captain, you have a way with words.

A sickening way, but a way nonetheless.

Stoner, who's the idiot who authorized this drill?

Me.

I mean a clever way to catch you

in the middle of one of your crooked deals, don't you think?

- Why don't you get off our backs? - It's to be expected skipper.

Our squad is suffering this harassment from captain Stoner because I'm an alien.

Don't be so sensitive Zabar, that's not be only reason I'm harassing you.

I could care less if there's a geek in this squad.

Captain we don't use that word in the Space Force.

I am not offended captain.

Since the universe is as one, if I am a geek he is a geek.

Hey Stoner that makes you Zabar's geek-in-law.

It does not!

Just because you pilot one of those glamorous little Starcraft

you think you're better than me.

Don't be so sensitive Stoner. That's not the only reason

I think I'm better than you. I have hundreds of reasons.

Is that so? One day I'll have the evidence to prove to commander Hinkley.

that you're not the sterling officer he thinks you are.

The computers indicate you been logging unscheduled starcraft flights,

and I'm going to find out why.

I'm going to be watching this crew like a Venutian cathawk.

In that case we'd better lay in a supply of cat hawk litter.

Well he so suspicious now he's bound to find out about the carnival.

There's only one thing for us to do.

- What? - Start hiccupping.

Stoner!

You know Barney Nicholson? - Barney Nicholson!

No commander Hinkley, I don't. - Well I went to the Academy with him

and here's his picture in Stars And Stars,

he just got a humanitarian award from some alien planet.

How come I don't get humanitarian awards?

Look at him posing with these alien weirdoes. Yugh!

Good evening commander Hinkley.

Still no response from agent Berkowitz.

Commander Hinkley we may have an emergency on our hands.

Well I wouldn't call it an emergency that I didn't get an award,

even though I deserve one more than this Nicholson creep.

Sir, the emergency concerns agent Berkowitz.

Is he getting an award too?

No sir. He failed to make contact.

Well then why is he gettting an award?

He's NOT... sir.

See, he's missing, and we're trying to find out what happened to him.

Missing huh?

That's probably why he failed to make contact.

Genie, do I have to think of everything around here?

Oh no sir. But sir I would like your authorization for

a round-the-clock sensor surveillance of captain Woods and his crew.

They're up to something. - Do you have any evidence?

No sir I need the sensor surveillance to get the evidence.

But I can't authorize a sensor surveillance,

unless you have some evidence.

- Then what should I do? - Well, take a cold shower!

That's what I've been doing ever since my bathtub disappeared.

Eve, you translocate. Milford, when you get back down to the carnival

get the next group ready to translocate up here.

Zabar, you go activate the Starcraft and keep an eye out for Stoner.

As for me I'll just stand here and give orders. Go!

Go ahead. - Captain Woods, this is Flec,

I gotta warn you about something. - What is it Arnold?