The League

I like how your wife doesn't make us use coasters.

She actually does, so can you please do it? Thanks.

Jeez.

All right. Fine.

Here you go.

A little coaster.

Oh...

Oh, wow.

Really?

Weight Training for Dummies?

I'm getting a home gym.

And apparently, you're not ashamed to admit you know

absolutely nothing about it.

Yeah. What?

I'm not Chuck Norris.

I don't know about a home gym, so I get the book.

Usually we have to root around for your shortcomings

like a pig hunting for truffles, but this is just right in front

of our faces.

I like the books.

They make things simple.

Uh... Did you just say "books"?

That's a lot of books.

I thought these were all Yellow Pages.

Why would I keep Yellow Pages?

Why would you keep a stack of "How I'm a Dummy" books

everywhere?

Because this is my own personal research library.

Stretching for Dummies.

Yeah.

Holiday Entertaining for Dummies.

Those things are high- pressure situations.

Cryptography for Dummies.

Three seconds.

What is cryptography?

You know what?

That one came in a set.

Let's see what else.

Oh, Kevin.

Law for Dummies?

I should have hid that one.

You're a lawyer, Kevin.

It's full of common sense legal advice.

Jesus.

Oh... Mexico's Beach Resorts for Dummies.

Oh.

How hard is it to hang out on a beach in Mexico?

Is there a How to Hide Your Glaring Lack of Knowledge from

Your Friends for Dummies?

'Cause that's one you should have bought.

Oh, come on, Andre.

You're not really a doctor.

Uh, I am a doctor.

Andre, cut the shit, all right?

It's just us.

There's no girls around.

You're-you're barely a doctor.

I save lives.

I make people look better.

Oh, my God.

Oh, speaking of which, um...

Do you have any time this week?

I need a haircut.

I'm not a barber.

I could give you a hair replacement.

These week-two match-ups are killing me.

Yeah, you've got Kevin this week, man.

He's stacked.

You got any advice as to what I should do?

Yeah.

Definitely.

What, you want me to tell you?

Are you crazy?

Well, here's what I'm thinking.

I got to throw a Hail Mary.

I'm going to put Josh Cribbs in as my flex and hope that he runs

one back against Kansas City.

Wow.

That's creative.

It's my only option, honestly.

You know what is not an option?

My law firm is making me do community service again.

What is it this time?

They're sending me to a hospital that helps

Make-A-Wish kid's dream come true.

Well, I think you'll be making his dream come true when

you actually leave, but sounds fun.

If, God forbid, someone went down right now in this bar.

Okay.

What would be your first course of action?

Establish age and sex of the patient.

103 years old, male.

Probably old age.

I'm not going to waste time on them.

Oh, my God.

See? Exactly.

A normal doctor would have tried to help the person.

I save lives.

When these women come into my practice, some of them are

really down on their bodies.

You're doing the Lord's work, buddy.

Thank you.

I know I am.

Okay.

You guys might find this interesting.

Well, I think that's an assumption.

I am thinking of expanding my practice.

I met this doctor, Dr. Maxwell.

Real class act.

Is he, uh... Is he black?

How did you know?

Nine times out of ten, when a sportscaster is referring to

someone as a "class act,"

they're talking about a head coach who's black.

Mm-hmm.

Tony Dungy.

What a class act.

Total.

Lovie Smith.

Class act.

Class act.

I never noticed that.

I mean, that happens all the time.

It's not just football.

Sportscasters use these code words in all of the sports.

Uh, if they're talking about a Latino player in baseball, like

Ozzie Guillen is, a... Firecracker.

Firecracker.

Latin guys are always "firecracker."

Spark plug.

Spark plug in the clubhouse.

Mm-hmm.

Wes Welker is, like, a gym rat, a real scrappy player.

Yeah, which is code word for white.

Always a white guy.

Ichiro Suzuki is... Inscrutable.

Yes.

There you go.

All right, well, this is exactly what I don't want to be.

I don't want to be racist.

I don't know what's racist and what's not racist.

Neither do I.

So, call him African American, then?

No, you can say "black."

I'm not offended.

Why would you be offended?

I'm half black.

Mom is Italian.

Oh, I know.

I'm black on the inside.

What are you up here?

A race car driver.

What lap are you on?

33.

Uh, anyone want to go see a movie tonight? Pete?

No, I'm good.

I got a date tonight.

You going out with Brooke again?

Yep.

You all cool with that?

Yeah, that's fine.

It was ages ago.

You don't mind having sex with someone that Kevin has also

had sex with?

No, I mean, it's basically like a public bathroom.

Do I know people who have been in there?

Sure.

But I like to pretend I'm the first.

Oh, yeah.

'Cause you guys are Eskimo brothers.

Now, if you could just get rid of this pesky girl, the two

of you guys could be in th igloo all by yourselves,

- Use some ** for lube. - Thank you.

What was her nickname in high school? She was in your class, right, Taco?

What did you call her?

Was she a gym rat or a spark plug?

No, she had a funny name.

It was, um... The White Knuckler.

Oh, right.

'Cause when she gave you a hand job, she'd squeeze so tight, you

could actually see the whites of her knuckles.

Yup.

I can't speak to what happened in the past, but I can

assure you, she's worked out all the kinks since, okay?

Old habits die hard.

I got to get out of here, guys.

I have to leave, too.

I have a martial arts class.

Ooh. Looky, looky.

Really?

Really, yeah.

I really enjoy it.

It teaches me focus, discipline, and focus.

Uh, that's your third beer, Taco.

Namaste, Taco.

You've se Kevin and he's cool with the whole... us?

Totally cool with it.

Yeah? That's good.

Yeah, I mean, I'm cool with it, and I'm glad you can bring

it up, and it sounds like you're cool with it.