#blackAF

So I'm making this documentary as a part of my application

to NYU Film School next year.

But I didn't ask my dad for any of this.

A seven-man camera crew, really?

They shot The Revenant with less than this, okay?

I probably could've just shot this on my Galaxy, but, hey,

apparently, my dad hates his money and wants to make sure

that he spends every bit of it before he dies.

So, I mean...

I might as well get what I can while it's still here, right?

If this looks like another douchebag shot

of another fancy Beverly Hills hotel,

that's probably because it is.

This is the Four Seasons Sunday Brunch.

I guess it's supposed to be kind of, like, a big deal.

I'd have been cool with a Pop-Tart and some OJ, but hey, that's just me.

I'm not an asshole.

So, if you can't tell, we kind of stick out.

Hey! The manager's coming! The manager's coming!

See, not too long ago, my dad got some money.

He created a TV show about a black family.

He also did a couple movies about black people,

and that one reality show he did with Tyra, a black supermodel.

Actually, everything he's ever done has been black stuff

about black things, with black people.

Wow.

Now that I think about it, he's pretty much just a racial profiteer.

Reason we're here sticking out today...

is because we're celebrating my dad's new Netflix show.

I don't know exactly what it's about,

but pretty sure it has something to do with black stuff.

God, he's such a one-trick pony.

- We are not doing this ever again. - Why?

Because every week I come and I feel the same way.

Which is what?

That we shouldn't do this ever again!

I mean, you ate enough crab legs.

We should take a week off, I think.

- Hey, man! - A crab leg vacation?

Yo, Steve Levitan! What up, bro?

- How are you, dawg? - I'm good.

See that guy? That's Steve Levitan.

He's not a one-trick pony.

- Good to see you. - How you been?

I've been great. I didn't see you in there.

Oh, you know, we're kinda keeping a low profile. It's how we do usually.

Yeah. Hey, congrats on your new deal.

Oh, congrats on yours, dude. I heard you did very, very, very well.

You know, don't believe everything you read.

I knew it, so you didn't kill them.

- I did pretty good, actually. - Fuck.

Well, this is us.

- Yeah. - Take care of yourself, Steve.

You too, Joya.

- Wow... Wow! Nice car! - Is that your car?

That's mine, but this is, uh, this is sweet!

- Oh, thanks. - Yeah. Uh...

Jesus, congratulations, man. I'd love a car like this.

What else did you get at the Vin Diesel auction?

That's... That's very funny.

Wow. Yeah, that's...

But, I mean, if we're going to be honest, it's a hybrid like yours.

- So there's that. - Do...

Do not apologize.

You work hard. You deserve a car like this.

I wish I could pull this off,

but then people would say I'm just driving it because...

I have a small dick.

Uh, but they're not going to say that about you.

Because I'm black?

No, because you got drunk and pulled your dick out

at the Writer's Guild retreat. Remember that?

- We all... we all remember that. - I gotta go, Steve.

Oh, yeah. Shoot, that's right. You're on Tokyo Drift time.

- Ah. Another great joke. - Okay, fantastic. Listen...

- Continued success. Love you. - Thanks, buddy.

- Love you too. - Good for you.

Both.

I fucking hate white people, man.

I really fucking hate white people.

Do you not know how to use this car?

Not... Not completely. Shit.

So, this is my house.

I guess it's pretty cool.

I mean, no, it's nice.

It's definitely nice.

I don't know, I guess the reason I'm saying it like that

is because the truth of it is, it's a nice house,

but it's a really nice house for black people.

Which, for me, kind of makes it less nice.

Wow.

Maybe I am an asshole.

Inside it's always kinda messy because there's a lot of us,

but I kind of like it like that.

There's my dad, writing in the middle of the family room,

even though he totally has an office he could work out of.

Dude, does that seem like that's comfortable for me?

It's a bad idea, man.

I think he sits in the middle of everybody

because he wants us to all know how hard he works.

I really don't think they know how hard I work.

Jo, can I ask you a question?

Hey, stop! Be careful, please!

- Be careful. - Um, I gotta...

Daddy!

- You look cute. Did you shower? - Are you good?

I did shower, yeah. Thank you for noticing.

Dude, at that brunch, did you feel like people were looking at us the whole time?

No.

They were staring at us the whole time, like in our face.

- Ah! - Like we were animals in the fucking zoo.

Well, to be fair, we are a very attractive group of people.

Plus the sommelier had to break up two fights that our kids were having.

Since when do you care what people think about us when they look at us?

I don't care. I mean, I do care,

but I don't wanna care, but I have to care.

You know what I'm saying?

Nope.

Fuck, dude.

I know I sound crazy, but I'm not, man.

This is that shit, dude. This is real.

This is White Gaze.

I'm going to regret asking,

but what do white gay people have to do with this?

No, not "gays." "Gaze." Like male gaze.

It's the fucked up way white people look at us,

and kind of judge us for every little thing we do.

I said it out loud.

I said, "I'm going to regret asking this," but I did it anyway.

I always do that.

This is your fault.

It's yours.

You're better than this, Jo-Jo. Why'd you do that?

I have a really long day ahead of me, so I'm just gonna get going.

I'm serious, dude. You saw your old boy drove off in that dirty-ass Prius.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh?

Like, that's just nothing to you? That's just cool?

No. That's... that's very not cool to me.

Don't placate me. I'm being serious, dude.

This is some real shit. It's that bullshit.

You understand? This is...

tequila impresario, George Clooney,

- in that stupid pickup truck. - Mm-hmm.

Or Matthew McConaughey in a goddamn Lincoln.

- Mm-hmm. - If I drove a car like that,

I'm just some broke black dude in a shitty car,

but then if I pull up and I'm NS-flexing,

I'm some rap monkey who spent all his money on a whip.

Mm-hmm.

I just can't win, dude. The white man, dude. He's unstoppable.

Not for nothing,

but I happen to love the way you look in a car with your fancy sweatsuits.

Boss shit!

Put your hand down, dude!

What are you talking about, sweatsuits? I didn't mention my clothes.

- What do my clothes have to do with this? - I just meant... I was trying to, um...

A sweatsuit is very hard for a grown man to pull off.

I'm a grown man.

I know, but I'm just saying,

if I could wear a sweatsuit every day, I would, but I'm not you.

What is happening right now?

Wait. That came off like a racial thing, but it's not.

- My grandfather loved sweatsuits. - Your grandfather?

Yeah, well, technically, the nurse couldn't fit him into regular pants

because of the diaper.

What the fuck?

This... this is what I'm talking about. This is the world we live in.

This is the world we live in. This guy works for me,

yet still, just dripping in pure judgment.

- Judgment feels strong. - Does it?

- It's a strong word. - This...

is pure, uncut, fresh off the boat, New Balance-wearing...

- Are those Sauconys? - Yeah, those are Sauconys.

White Gaze.

Well, um, technically,

Jews aren't, like, white-white.

- Dude, you are as white as fuck. - Jews are white. Jews are white.

If some shit went down, you're white.

There are parts of Belgium I can't walk through.

Right...

But let me just get this clear. I just want to make sense of this.

So you're saying that your assistant, who you barely pay enough

to feed himself and clothe himself,

he is the reason that you have to wear $2,000 sweatsuits and drive fancy cars?

Race cars?

- Are you... - That's his fault?

- Are you being serious? Or... - I just want to know the answer.

- Yeah. I mean, no... - I'm entitled...

...not him particularly, but yes.

Him and the rest of his...

you know, no-shoes-on-in-the-bathroom wearing cousins,

- they forced me into this life. - Right.

I don't want to be super duper fly every day.

- Right. Mm-hmm. - This is what I've been forced into.

They're turning me into a peacock, Jo. You're next.

Are those Gucci dungarees you're wearing?

- Givenchy. - See? You're next.

I'm gonna go to In-n-Out, do you want anything?

- I'm sorry, I just have to ask. - No, you don't!