Life in Pieces

*

: Bye! Thank you!

Of course we'll be back.

Now, listen, I don't want to make

too much of an overstatement here, but I think

we're the smartest people on the planet.

I have not felt this smart since

I cheated off of Vijay Patel on the SATs.

Nice. I mean, look at all this cash

we just made from returning our wedding gifts.

We didn't need any of that stuff in the first place.

I-I blame the scanning gun.

I went, like, full Charlie's Angels with that thing.

Now, instead of having a bunch of stuff,

we have a bunch of money.

What do you want to do with it?

I don't know. Buy a bunch of stuff?

Oh, God, you're so smart.

Oh, God, you are such a genius.

Come here, come here, come here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is great, Mom.

The best.

You two are so full of energy.

Was it a sex morning?

That always gives me such a lift.

Oh, well, thank you for checking in,

but, no, we're just riding high on married life.

We love married life. Yeah.

Speaking of your wedding,

have you two enjoyed your new waffle maker?

Oh.

The one we got off your registry?

Well, we haven't tried it yet, but we are very excited.

Yeah, we're just, you know,

waiting for a special occasion

to break that Belgian bad boy open.

How about tomorrow?

We could have a waffle party.

Yeah, it's like a sausage party with less dudes.

Sounds great. We're in.

Great.

You guys make the waffles and the coffee and blueberries

and whipped cream and syrup,

and we'll just show up.

Yeah. Seems fair.

Okay. Yeah.

Come on, hurry up; they're gonna be here any second.

Okay. W-W-Wait. What, what?

We have to make it look like we actually cooked these.

Okay. Uh...

Well, that's not helping, and we don't have time.

Oh, oh, oh, I can Sharpie on grill marks.

We're here!

Are you cursing us yet

for all the work it takes to host a brunch?

Whoa, something smells good.

Oh. Mmm.

I think. I really haven't

been able to smell much since the '70s.

Right.

Oh, don't those look delicious.

They're so fluffy, like your hair.

Oh.

How did you like the waffle maker?

It was great.

And?

Made waffles, as advertised.

Nothing else you want to say?

About what?

About the cash.

What cash?

That was your real gift.

We stuffed the box with cash.

A big wad of cash.

Mom, we returned that waffle maker.

Mm-hmm.

Why?

For the cash.

I told you we should've hid it

in a tampon box; nobody returns those.

I'm not having this discussion again.

Why didn't you just give us cash in a card like normal people?

You probably would've returned that, too, you cheap bastards.

It's got to be here somewhere.

It has a dent in it from where I kicked it in disbelief

that your parents gave us such a cheap wedding present.

Don't you dare bring up my rage issues right now.

I just don't understand. We literally just returned it.

Stop complaining, keep looking.

Oh, now you have advice?

After you returned everything before opening it?

Who knows how much cash could've been in any of those things?

My family does stupid stuff like this all the time.

Oh, don't get me started.

I know all about your dumb family.

You know what? You're right, we should just

be happy with the presents that your family gave us.

Wait a minute, they didn't give us any, unless of course

you count your mother's stupid shamanic blessing.

We both cried.

Keep opening boxes.

Mmm. All this talk of waffles got me in the mood.

I didn't know we had a waffle maker.

Well, they were on sale when I bought it for Matt and Colleen,

so I got two.

Oh!

Uh-oh.

No.

I gave them the wrong box.

We didn't do that.

They're gonna get a kick out of this.

You can't open all those, unless you plan on buying them.

Well, fine, we'll buy them.

Yeah. We'll buy all of them.

Yeah, in cash, once we find it.

Reach up, inhale.

: Oh...

Could you keep your groaning down?

I'm trying to mope here.

I didn't even see you. What are you doing here?

Clementine has a date at our house.

Oh. They said I could stay,

but I found him pretty pedestrian.

So I snuck out while they were in the shower.

Oh, honey.

Your living arrangement is a bummer.

Why don't you hang out with your friends?

No, now that they're in college,

all they want to talk about is partying.

Oh, yeah.

It's so boring. Mm-hmm.

They don't understand the complexities

of being a divorced homeowner.

Mm, yeah.

Well, who needs them?

You know what? I'll be your friend.

And...

I will make you a PB and J.

Hmm? It's like I'm your friend with benefits.

You can't be friends with your mom.

Oh, come on, sure you can.

We could just hang out and watch Netflix and chill.

You really don't get it.

Okay, come on, Tyler, give me a chance.

Okay? I'm fun.

Put your nice jeans on, we'll go to the mall.

Clementine is wearing our nice jeans-- or was.

Well, you clean up real nice, pal.

You know, friends don't hit each other

as much as you think they do.

Okay, fine. I'm taking a mental note.

No hitting. No cleaning your face with my spit. No.

No asking if you have to tinkle.

That's a good start. Ready to go home?

: Why? Do you have to tinkle?

No.

Good. 'Cause we have the whole day together, huh?

The whole day?

Yeah, it's gonna be fun!

Ow.

Ooh! Fun hair stuff.

Oh, Mom.

Have you ever dreamt of having straight hair?

Oh, I have, yes.

But, Tyler, have you ever dreamt of having straight hair?

Well, I mean, not this week, but of course.

This week, it's mostly been nightmares about my divorce.

When I get divorced, nothing makes me feel better

than long, straight, silky hair.

Let me show you.

Sorry, I would love to,

but I'm actually saving up for a new place.

Oh, honey, come on, listen.

If changing your look makes you feel better, then this is on me.

Okay-- Well, actually, it's on whoever

left their money in the ATM.

Hey, you know what I think we should do next?

Dye your hair.

I'm thinking not red.

Maybe one glass at a time, Mom.

Oh, honey.

These are not both for me.

Wait, really? Yeah.

But I'm not 21 for another two weeks.

Well, that sounds like a concern for a mom

and not a friend with rad hair.

: Thanks. Here's that third

glass of wine you said you couldn't carry.

Thank you. There it is.

That goes right here. Tyler? Is that you?

Nice hair, dude.

You look like a Sesame Street character.

Hey, what are you laughing at, Gabe?

I know how long you breast-fed for.

Most kids don't do that standing up.

Ooh.

We're gonna be late to the movie,

but it was great to see you, man.

All right. Bye, Mrs. Hughes.