You Can't Cheat an Honest Man

Come on. Let's sit down.

I don't want to sit down.

Well, then let's dance.

And I don't want to dance.

What's the matter with you tonight?

Listen, I'm tired of being subtle.

Scram. Botp.

Beat it off of the porch.

All right, Phineas whipsnade.

But let me tell you something.

I'll never buy gas for your car again!

Aw.

Oh, do you care for some punch?

No, thanks.

Whoa. Positively stuffy in there.

It was.

Yeah. I guess my collar's wilted.

It was lucky I brought a change.

But as I was saying, you know, mother's gonna be

quite upset about not being able to go to Europe.

Mmm. She'll miss her baden-baden.

Uh, baths, you know?

Yeah, we're going to Bermuda instead.

Oh, that'll be nice.

You know, you'd like Bermuda.

Oh, I'm sure I would.

Vicky, why don't you...

But, Roger, I've changed my mind.

I believe I'll have some punch now.

Punch?

Did you say "punch?" Hmm.

Oh. Excuse me.

Well? Oh, phin.

Well, what?

When's the wedding? What wedding?

You didn't turn him down again?

Phineas, I've told you a million times...

I'm not in love with Roger. So please forget it.

Love!

You give me a pain in the neck.

There's a guy that's gonna get a pile of dough the day he gets married,

and he's just begging you to take it.

Well, I'm not interested.

Oh. One sister, and she has to be a halfwit.

Victoria: That's enough.

Listen, sister dear.

Roger's gonna get tired of being pushed around,

and he's gonna grab someone that isn't so dumb.

As usual, Phineas, you have an angle?

Sure, I have.

Straight from the shoulder.

You get a rich husband, and I get a swell job in his father's bank.

And I'm going inside.

Wait a minute, Vicky.

If you won't think of your own future,

you might think of the old man.

What's dad got to do with it?

Well, I happen to know he's having a plenty tough time.

He could use a little help now,

after all he's gone through to keep us in college.

His last letter said everything was fine.

Sure.

His letter also said the circus would be in Bridgetown yesterday.

But where was he?

I tell you, he's in hock up to his ears.

I don't believe it.

Okay.

Go on your merry way and let the old man wind up behind the eight ball.

Oop! I'm sorry.

Oh, Phineas. Hello, Roger.

Say, that's a swell new car you got out there.

Sixteen cylinders.

It is? Mmm-hmm.

How's chances to use it for a few minutes?

Oh, surely. Have the driver take you anyplace you wanna go.

Gee, thanks.

Uh, who is it? New girl?

Same one. Oh.

Where are we going?

Sorry to be so long, but I was standing in a line.

Come on. Step on it! He'll get away!

We'll have to do better than this, sheriff.

He'll be across that state line before we can get him.

I'm doing the best I can, Mr. Burr.

Well, keep working on it.

Maybe you can get a little more speed out of it.

I got her down on the floorboard now.

Well, he got away from us. This is as far as I can go.

I'll get him if I have to chase him through every state in the union.

Take me back to the sheriffs office.

Barker: Here you are, folks. Step right this way.

Step up and...

My mother was a lady.

Seventy...

Seventy five, 80. Almost 90.

Get your tickets at the box office!

The big show is about to...

What's that, little girl?

No, I'm not the good humor man.

The big show is about to start!

Woman: One 50, center, please.

Thank you very much, lady.

Here's a seat right down in front of the elephants.

See the whole show from there.

Man: Two.

Two? Thank you very much.

There you are. One right down in front of the elephants.

Count your...

Count your change before leaving the window.

Man: Thank you.

One right in front of the elephants.

Yep, the big show is now going on!

No mistakes rectified after once leaving...

Pardon me, I'm...

Wish you fellas would...

Count your... keep your hands off my lunch, will you?

Count your change before leaving the window.

Thank you.

What are you doing there?

You don't want no trouble with the unions, do you?

Oh, I got it. I pay union wages.

Yeah, but which kind, the maxium or the minium?

"The maxium or the minium?"

You slay me.

Godfrey Daniel, what's going on here now?

What's the idea?

Oh, I'm colonel dalrymple's nephew, Chester, your new assistant.

Well, that doesn't give you the right to kiss me, does it?

Hey, you got a match?

Yeah.

Count your change before leaving the window!

Mister, don't you remember?

I'm supposed to pay you $8 a week to learn me this business.

Wait a minute. You can't do that!

Oh, yes, yes. The union says...

You keep out of this!

No, I won't keep out of it!

The union says the minium wage on assistants is 15 smacks a week!

Oh, ho, he's right. He's right.

I beg your pardon, I beg your pardon, young man.

He's quite right, 15. How much you got there?

And 10...

Fourteen dollars.

Another dollar, please.

Fifteen is right, isn't it?

Yeah, that's right. Uh, 15.14...

Have you a half a dollar?

Hey, I don't get it.

I got it, and I'm gonna keep it too.

Count your change before leaving the window.

Two four bit ducats.

Oh, thank you very much.

A 10 dollar bill.

Ten smackers, thank you very much.

There you are, that's one.

That's two.

Three.

Uh, pardon me.

Got a little pneumonia here.

Whipsnade: Two, three, four.

Come on! Step on it!

I won't walk another step.

Make him drag ya, lady. He got ya drunk.

Three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10.

You gave me a $20 bill? Did you? Ten and 10 are 20.

Count your change before leaving the window.

Now you take the Wagner act.

You take 'em. We had 'em last summer.

The worst acrobats I ever saw.

Liquor addicts!

That guy talks too much.

He counted "three, four, five" three times. Did ya hear him?

Yeah. Is it dishonest to keep it?

He'd do the same thing to us wouldn't he, if he had a chance.

Here, I'll split with ya.

One, two...

Why, there's only five dollars here.

He's doubled the bills. Look.

You mean he's crooked us?

He thinks he has. Come on.

Listen, you'll hear from me!

That's fine. Don't telegraph, write.

There's been a mistake in my change.

Ah, at long last, an honest man.

Wanna return some money?

No, I'm short!

Don't brag about it. I'm only five feet eight myself.

I mean I'm short in my money.

No mistakes rectified after once leaving the window!

You're dishonest.

"Dishonest?" meshach, shadrach and abednego!

You cheated us.

Sir, you impugn my honor.

As my dear old grandfather litvak said,

just before they sprung the trap,

he said, "you can't cheat an honest man."

"Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump."

We want what's comin' to us.

I'm gonna get it too!

You are? Oh, yeah.