The Great

‐ Very good wheat yield in the Caucuses this year.

‐ Is all this studying going to make you dull?

‐ When I take power, I will know this country inside and out.

‐ That's good.

Door!

Husband. ‐ You missed breakfast.

‐ Yes. I did.

‐ I have something for you.

‐ Wow.

‐ It's probably the biggest diamond in the world,

and has an interesting story.

Forty‐two people died finding it,

digging it up, and transporting it from Siberia.

‐ From Siberia.

A vast Russian province encompassing Northern Asia.

Its terrain spans the tundra, coniferous forests,

and is known for freezing winters.

But is a gateway for Russia through the Pacific Ocean,

and therefore is vital to our future links to the Americas.

‐ Right. It is pretty, do you not think?

Thank you?

‐ For what?

‐ It's what you should say now,

although me having to tell you is annoying,

and speaks to me of what I suspected.

You're mad about me burning the serfs still.

‐ I disagreed. That is all.

‐ You disagreed publicly.

And filled yourself with pox pus. It cannot happen again.

Though I do not wish to quarrel,

but agree you were wrong, and that the diamond is pretty,

and move on.

‐ It is pretty. Thank you.

We shall be as one in public.

‐ Huzzah.

Shall I eat your pussy?

‐ I...

have blood.

‐ Which I like in a sausage, but not a pussy.

Another day, then. Uh, where's that young serf kid?

The parachute boy.

‐ You burned him.

‐ Oh. Must go.

Door!

Hey. ‐ Good day, sir.

‐ Running?

‐ Seven miles through the beautiful forest.

I feel better.

‐ You felt bad?

‐ Some melancholy.

Chekhov thinks I have yellow bile inside me,

and must sweat it and bleed it out, which reminds me...

‐ I think all my biles are at odds.

Melancholy, rage, giddy joy, all at once.

‐ I, I feel better. I...

The palace is huge, and it hems one in somehow.

‐ Sometimes you can feel the walls reaching for you.

And the guards at the doors, I often suspect, are actually dead.

‐ Right. Funny.

You're growing a beard.

‐ Forgot to shave.

‐ Ah.

Being the Emperor's best friend has its special perks.

‐ Indeed, it does. I have a magnificent estate,

vineyards, carriages...

And I love him.

Tha‐‐ That's the greatest part. My love for him.

And her.

‐ Are you okay?

‐ Aah.

Dust storm. ‐ What?

‐ When I was a child. Never got the fucking grit out.

Look.

‐ Wow. That is...

Ooh!

‐ Mm. ‐ Fuck!

‐ You're right.

The trees are calming.

‐ I recommend we attack in a week, on the full moon.

With the, uh, Emperor's blessing.

‐ We will win.

‐ I actually received a note this morning, Emperor.

The Swedish ambassador wishes to come to court tonight for dinner.

‐ He is the enemy, and we have to throw him a fucking party?

‐ We should focus on why he wants to talk.

‐ It is a sign.

I have him on the ropes.

‐ Jesus Christ, fatso. That's how you fight?

Run.

‐ What? ‐ Fucking run.

Run!

The Church has poured so much money

into the war against these Lutherans,

and will continue to, of course,

but the fact that Velementov cannot quite win...

‐ I can fucking win!

‐ I'm an admirer of faith, and yours is very moving,

but starts to smack of delusion.

‐ Right. Orlo?

‐ I am on the fence.

‐ Of course you are, lobcock.

This is what we will do.

At the banquet, we cut the ambassador's head off,

fill it with meatballs, and send it back to Sweden.

‐ Personally, I fucking love that.

‐ It is as witty and eloquent a "fuck you" as I have heard.

Huzzah! I'm not sure.

To rile one's enemy and mock their national dish, it seems‐‐

‐ Velementov, shut up. You and Tartar Nick will work out the logistics.

It will be a joy for the court, and be spoken of in the villages. Humph.

‐ Hello. I've brought some wheat.

‐ Why?

Seriously? ‐ It is a fool‐proof pregnancy test.

The wheat blooms almost instantly.

Hmm.

I hope you're not barren.

That would not go over well.

‐ Sounds ominous.

‐ Not at all. Foolish of me to say it.

I will bring wheat every day,

and one day, you will piss a crop of baby.

I feel your fertility from here.

‐ The Battle of Vladivostok.

‐ What? What?

‐ It is a battle my father spoke of.

A famous win.

The first you commanded.

He said you were a genius.

‐ Oh.

Long time ago.

‐ Do you believe in fate? Destiny?

‐ When you're young, you have hope and call it destiny.

When you're old, it becomes fate.

‐ I wish to show you something.

Look on my inner thigh.

‐ I, I am.

Indeed I am. I‐‐ ‐ This birthmark appeared on my skin.

Do you recognize the shape?

‐ I'm struggling with, um, a lot feelings.

Uh, the smell of jasmine seems to be in the air, so...

...focusing is a b‐‐ ‐ The shape!

Think of a map!

‐ It, um...

It is, uh...

...is Russia.

‐ Yes.

It just appeared.

It must mean something. Do you not agree?

‐ It, it is odd. Uh...

‐ Fates and destiny.

That's what it feels like.

In my heart, I am Russian.

I wish to help us.

Perhaps you can help me.

‐ In what way?

‐ Let's plan.

‐ It's fucking stupid.

‐ Let's plan.

‐ What is it?

‐ The Emperor. He's, he's going to cut the Swedish ambassador's head off

at the dinner, and fill his skull with meatballs,

and return him to the Swedes.

‐ That is mad.

‐ I am no friend of the Swedes, but, um...

it will make them a more determined and intractable enemy, and...

I should examine your, uh...

map...

more closely at a later date.

‐ You should just ponder what it means. ‐ Yes.

Indeed.

‐ We will talk further.

Emperor comes. They sit. You hold. I cut.

‐ Jesus Christ.

‐ I love this choir.

‐ The Chernobyl Girls' Choir is our finest.

‐ They glow.

Thank you for the diamond. It is in my pocket.

‐ You like it? ‐ I stared at it all day in wonder.

At it. At you.

‐ Thanks. It's going to be a fun night.

‐ There is a whisper you are to cut the ambassador's head off

and fill it with meatballs.

‐ Oh, it is supposed to be a fun surprise!

‐ I don't think many know.

It is a brilliant jape.

‐ Humph. ‐ And no doubt you will fill his eye sockets

with lingonberry jam.

‐ Add a condiment. Brilliant.

‐ The Swedes have come to you.

That shows the court you are strong, and they are weak.

‐ Right.

‐ You negotiate a peace now, you will be victorious,

and everyone will be relieved, and awed.

‐ Awed? That seems good.

‐ And no more orphans. Joy everywhere.

‐ Right. A‐and you?