Friday Night Dinner

You mean you actually paid money for that?

Can we stop talking about my hair now, please?

But what style did you ask for?

- Tosser. - Oh, that style.

- That's it, Mum. - Hi.

- Hi, boys. - Oh, hello.

What's going on?

- Grandma's going to a party. - I'm going to a party!

Dressed like that?

Shh!

Jackie, are you sure that I look all right?

Yes, Mum, you look lovely.

Like an old prostitute.

I hope there's nice men there.

God.

Well, bye, Mum!

Topless massage starts at 60 pounds.

Bye-bye!

Oh, Mum, have you got your phone?

Yes, and my rape alarm.

At least she's prepared.

Please change the subject.

- Jonny's hair? - Thank you.

- Hello, bambinos. - Hi, Dad.

Oi! Turn the light on!

What style did you ask for?

I believe they call it "Tosser".

- Don't touch it. - Turn the shitting light on!

And hair we go!

- Pissface? - Huh?

What are you...

Wait, the table's set for five.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, don't tell me there's a bloody guest.

Yes, there's a bloody guest.

- Mum! - What?

Well, that means we have to talk to someone else.

Why didn't you tell us we'd have to talk to someone else?

Because if I'd told you you'd have to talk to someone else,

- you wouldn't come. - Correct.

- Farewell. - Stupid gits.

- Sorry? - Well, thanks to you,

me bloody hearing aid went down the toilet.

- Dad! - Martin!

- Horrible haircut. - Thank you.

Why's Dad dressed like Oscar Wilde?

Oh, you've noticed have you?

I want to make an impression.

A terrible impression?

Impression for who?

Dad's friend's coming.

Dad's friend?

What do you mean, "Dad's friend"?

Dad doesn't have friends.

- That's a horrible thing to say. - Yes, I do.

I'm not being nasty, but Mum has friends.

You don't have friends.

- Yeah, Dad. - Rubbish!

- I have friends. - All right, name one.

What about dead Neil?

How about living friends?

You know, ones that haven't had funerals?

Okay, the one that's coming tonight, then.

And his name is?

Bet he doesn't remember.

What was the name of my friend again?

- See. Tony! - Tony! That's it.

My friend's called Tony.

You sound very close.

- Inseparable. - We were in digs together.

And in English?

They shared a flat at university.

University.

- That's flour you're eating. - I know!

And you've got it all over Val's watch.

Oh, bloody Val!

I just got it mended for her.

You should get her mended! Ow!

I'll be in the hall, hanging myself.

So, how come you've never mentioned this Tony fellow before?

What are you talking about, "never mentioned him"?

He was one of the "Two Tonys".

The "Two Tonys"?

Yeah.

Sorry, the "Two Tonys"?

You know, the "Two Tonys".

When I was at Leeds, I lived with two boys called Tony.

- "Boys". - All right, males.

- "Males". - Tony Sampson and Tony Michaels,

who's coming tonight. Terrific chap.

Terrific male.

You know, he could impersonate the sound of any car engine.

That's useful!

- And the other Tony? - He was a right tit.

He told crap jokes and blinked too slowly.

- Blinked too slowly? - So annoying.

How is that annoying?

Because he talked like this the whole bleeding time.

Oh, yeah, that is annoying.

But Tony Michaels, you give him any engine...

Well, apart from Italian cars. He could never do Italian cars.

We'll bear that in mind.

Haven't seen him for thirty years.

He got in touch via the computer.

Also known as "email".

I do hope we still get on.

Of course you'll still get on.

I'm suddenly all nervous. Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

Don't be so soppy.

Thanks, love.

Oh, my God. It's Tony!

It's Tony at the door!

- Tony's here! - It's okay, Martin.

- Calm down. - Yeah, calm down.

Calm down.

Calm down.

- Well, open it. - I don't look too old, do I?

- For what? - Intercourse with the man?

Martin Goodman as I live and breathe!

Shall I come in, or are you closed on Fridays?

Sorry, won't be a moment, Tony, you just take a seat.

Why, don't you want it?

Uh, do help yourself to a nut.

I'm nutty about nuts.

Please tell me you haven't done what I think you've done.

He's the wrong Tony!

Oh, Martin!

The wrong Tony?

The wrong Tony?

Oh, why are you such a...

What am I gonna do? That's bloody Tony Michaels.

You said you liked Tony Michaels.

No, I thought he was Tony Sampson.

I must have got their shitting surnames mixed up.

What?

Tony Michaels got in touch. I thought he was the one I liked

and Tony Sampson was the one I didn't like.

Right.

But it was Tony Michaels I didn't like and Tony Sampson I did like.

- You forgot who you liked? - Yes.

So, you invited the one you didn't like?

Yes, that's bloody Blinkface, isn't it?

So, I've just spent all day making dinner for a man you can't stand?

Toilet?

- You are such a bleeding idiot! - You really are.

Well, don't blame me. Blame my brain!

- So what are we going to do? - We?

- We're off. - See ya.

You are not going anywhere! You are gonna stay here

and see this terrible, awful,

terrible night through.

But, Mum!

Maybe we could say there's been a mix-up or something.

Good idea. "Sorry, you're not the right Tony.

"You're the Tony our dad hates."

Yes, we'll do that.

Anyone still alive?

Coming!

Okay, we'll just have to go out there and be...

...pleasant. - Pleasant?

Come on!

And I wanted the man who did the engines.

I thought you were all trying to escape.

No, just doing your flowers.

Doing my flowers?

Sounds painful!

Once again, lovely to see you, Tony.

Does that mean I go now?

Please.

- Martin, why don't you sit down? - What?

Yes, next to your friend.

Yeah, your friend.

- So... - "So," as the dressmaker

said to the bishop!

Um, you sure I can't take your bag?

No, thank you, Jackie, I need somewhere to keep me gun.

Tony, did you know our dad's been talking about you all week?

Nothing that'll get me arrested, I hope!

It's been pretty much non-stop, hasn't it, Mum?

Oh, yes.

Non-stop.

Oh, it's really smashing to see you again, mate, after all these years.

And now, here you are in your lovely house

with your lovely wife and your two sons.

I tell you,

someone left university and got straight down to bedroom business!

Leeds University!

Yeah.

Jackie, do you mind if I use your little girl's room?

What?

Oh, of course.

It's just out there on the right.

Thank you.

Don't miss me too much.

- Tit. - Tit.

Okay, will you please stop it?

Stop what?

What are you talking about?

This is a shitting nightmare.

- Not for us, it's not. - Nope, it's like a beautiful dream.