FEUD

When I put those clothes on...

something happens to me.

Something...

frightening.

Oh, God, no!

Strait-Jacket mounts to a crescendo

of electrifying suspense.

Sinister. Frightening.

Joan Crawford in a shattering screen portrayal.

Leave me alone!

You let go of me!

You listen to me!

Just call me, Lucille.

I wouldn't like my little girl to think

I was trying to take her fella away from her.

Carol and Michael are going to be married,

and nobody's gonna stop it.

Ingeniously designed to shock and startle,

Strait-Jacket may go beyond the limits

of your ability to endure suspense.

Mother!

He's gone.

Oh, my God!

The author of the famed novel Psycho,

the director of the wildly acclaimed chiller Homicidal,

the costar of What Ever Happened to Baby Jane,

join forces to create a frightening classic

of shock and suspense.

Direct from Hollywood,

that master of suspense, Mr. William Castle!

Good evening, my murderous minions.

I'm William Castle,

the director of the picture you're about to see.

Be warned, Strait-Jacket contains

the most realistic portrayal

of axe murders in motion picture history,

made all the more vivid by the powerful performance

of a screen legend.

Ladies and gentlemen, the star of Strait-Jacket,

Miss Joan Crawford.

Oh, no.

Don't panic, but-but a madwoman is loose in this theater!

No.

No, no, please.

Miss Joan Crawford!

Thank you.

I hope you will approve of our little picture,

and please, enjoy a refreshing

Pepsi Cola at the concession stand.

A-And now, before the show begins,

a little something to protect all of you.

Ladies? Ladies? Come on.

What the hell is this?

You said no more gimmicks.

Well, do you want a hit, Joan, or don't you?

Home again, home again, jiggedy jog,

we put you to bed.

I need a drink.

Don't you think you had

enough to drink on the plane?

Hey, you are not my keeper.

You're a servant; don't ever forget that.

I don't think I can do it anymore, Mamacita.

New Mexico this weekend,

then the tour is done.

Oh, New Mexico. Jesus Christ!

Why did I say yes to any of this?

Why did you?

No offers in nine months.

Huh?

I had to take it just to keep the goddamn lights on.

Look, Miss Joan.

Flowers. Yeah?

From who?

Mr. George Cukor.

"Congratulating you on your latest success."

My latest success, what a joke.

He's five years older than me,

and he's hotter than he's ever been.

He's winning awards for My Fair Lady,

I'm pimping myself out to William Castle.

The picture is doing very well. People are coming to see you.

People are coming to see blood and gore

and heads being chopped off!

They're not coming to see me, you stupid croak!

Oh, God.

I'm sorry, Mamacita.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I am sorry!

You're always sorry!

You're crazy,

but you do it!

I tell you now this:

the next time you throw something at my head,

I leave you. Then you will have nothing!

Good night.

Careful going up the stairs.

You are blotto.

Box office numbers, Mr. Warner.

What's with the guard?

Are you afraid I'm gonna kill the messenger?

Oh, I'm not security, sir. This is Bart,

our new trainee. He forgot his sport coat,

so they gave him a loaner at the gate.

Ah. Uh-huh.

Well, your parents must be very proud.

Son of a bitch.

Strait-Jacket did 2.5 million?

Is that not good? Yeah, it's great

if you're Harry Cohn.

It's Columbia Pictures.

And Lady in a Cage is on track

to do even better.

I heard that's supposed to be an excellent picture.

That's Paramount.

Quick, Biff...

Bart.

What is it about these hag movies that people love?

I don't know, my-my mom says that they're kind of degrading.

Bingo. Degradation.

That's what it is.

You take some movie queen of yore,

who was once too beautiful to screw us

and you make her suffer.

Tearing down your idols.

It's very satisfying for an audience.

Don't you think, Bob?

Bart. Goddamn it!

I created this genre!

Hagsploitation! It even has its own word!

And you know who came up with that?

The New York Times. No! Me!

Get me Bob Aldrich in my office.

Are you sure?

Am I sure? What the...

You banned him from the lot.

Switch jackets.

Sir?

You take off your jacket and you give it to Bart,

and then you put on his.

Now, show Bart how to dial Bob Aldrich,

then go down to the front gate

and tell them that you are the new security guard.

Right.

Nice to meet you, Bart.

Great. Yes, sir, such a pleasure.

Thank you so much. Mm-hmm.

Please be brief.

She must conserve her energy for Albuquerque.

Is she crossing the desert on foot?

Oh, Hedda, darling.

I don't have a quiet minute today.

I have to convert this dust bowl look to a desert look

and work out this awful crick in my neck, and then

back on the road for that goddamn Lizzie Borden routine.

You're not having a gay old time greeting fans coast to coast?

Does a Ringling Brothers elephant

have a gay old time?

Hedda?

Hedda, what is it?

Did you skip lunch? Do you want...

No. me to get Mamacita to boil you an egg?

No, no, just-just sit with me.

Hedda,

are you all right?

Oh... hmm.

Last week...

I was on the phone with Frances Marion,

deploring the demise of the tender love story,

when my arm went dead.

Limp like a stewed noodle.

Oh...

It was a heart attack.

I have a defect, apparently.

And the doctor says it won't be long before another one hits.

Come on, Hedda.

Get up. Let me...

We'll sit somewhere more comfortable.

Thank you, darling.

Why, why, why didn't you call me?

Oh, no, I used the time to reflect.

If I am finished, and the sum of my life's work is tallied,

am I satisfied?

With reams of gossip?

Oh, how can you say that?

Look at all the careers that you have launched.

Mine included.

I didn't muse on the careers I'd nurtured.

I thought about the ones I destroyed.

The reds, the queers, the whores,

the cheaters and dopeheads.

The ones who cursed me, sued me, offed themselves.

And I felt...

good.

That I'd contributed to our moral economy.

And so you have.

You have been nothing short of a bulwark

against the tide of smut crashing over this culture.

But I can't stop it lapping at your door.

What are you talking about?