Nobody Wants This

Morgan, I asked you to park down the street.

Okay, I am not your chauffeur, and I needed cash, so…

Who even uses cash?

Okay. Mom always says when the world ends, you better have cash.

Can we please walk? I don't want him to come out and find me.

Okay. Wait, so what happened in there?

Okay, he seemed totally normal while we were messaging each other.

Then we sit down for a drink,

and he starts crying about how his grandmother died.

Oh, that's sad.

- No, Morgan, when he was 12. - Oh.

He said it was, quote, "Still raw."

Okay. Well. A little bit much.

Oh my God. He's texting me, asking me where I went. What a psychopath.

- Did you not tell him where you went? - I just met this guy.

- I have to tell him every move I make? - Save it for the podcast, Joanne.

I'm sorry, am I the asshole?

No, no, no, no, no. No, grandmas die. Like, you know, that's, like, their thing.

Anyway, this guy's grandma had a really good life.

She was a Rockette.

She spent 42 years with her soulmate, William,

and I shouldn't know so much about this woman

because I was on the date for 30 minutes.

- Can I say what everyone's thinking? - Be my guest.

Okay, great. Thank you.

We've done this podcast for, like, what, 119 episodes,

and this story you're telling, it just sounds, like, very familiar.

I have never dated a guy who was in love with his grandma.

I'm talking about when you find a nice, normal guy, and you find fault with him.

It's like, I don't know if you actually wanna meet somebody.

- Yes, I do. - Okay.

Remember Greg? I dated him for eight months.

I was utterly obsessed with him.

Yeah, I do remember him, and he did not acknowledge you in public.

Yeah.

Which is maybe what it takes for you to like someone.

Hmm.

Someone who's emotionally unavailable.

- We all understood what you were saying. - Okay.

All right, I could make healthier relationship choices.

And I will.

- Great. - Going forward.

I mean, he literally had a photo of him and his grandma on his profile.

- The signs were there. - Yeah, that's on me.

Hey, I have to tell you something. I don't want you to overreact.

Oh shit. What is it?

Is Esther cheating on me?

- Whatever. I'll stay with her. - No.

You have to stop letting Mom cut your hair.

- Why? - Because you're an adult man. It's sad.

Hmm. Is somebody jealous?

I just don't look like myself when she doesn't cut it.

- We're back! - Hey, Beck!

- Hi! - Hey.

- Okay, the game has not started yet. - Good, good, good.

- Good? - For me?

- For you. Hi. - Thank you.

- Um, this is for you. Let's do this. - Oh yes. Pamplemousse.

You know what? Let's just eat out of the boxes.

Oh, I'd really rather use plates.

Okay.

Sash, I tried to convince Esther to come over, but, you know, I lost her

as soon as I said we were watching the game.

- Oh, that makes sense. - Here you go.

- That's… Do you... - What's on your hand?

- Um… - Oh, it's an engagement ring.

Whoa, did you guys get engaged?

No. No.

I, um…

Okay.

So, I, like, randomly found it… It's so weird.

…a few months ago, in, like, the bottom drawer of your desk.

- The desk that was locked? - Yeah, that one.

But it's so funny because I also, like, randomly found the key.

I don't know how, but…

- Rebecca. - Yeah, I know.

You can't go around unlocking all my stuff.

It's a violation of privacy.

You were clearly gonna propose anyway, and I don't know what was taking so long.

So now we can just, like, skip past the "will you marry me," part

'cause I say yes.

But that part was my whole part. I wanted it to be romantic.

I was gonna take you to that place in Santa Barbara you like.

You know, I heard it's, like, really run-down now.

- Okay. - Oh, yeah.

I read that too.

That it's, like, the whole place smells like seawater, you know.

I'll let… let you guys finish up.

Speaking of places, I spoke to your mom, and we found this wedding venue...

You talked to my mom about this?

I always talk to your mom.

Oh my God! That's not okay.

Noah, I don't understand what the disconnect here is.

- You don't? - I don't.

Hon, we're together, then we get married.

- It's just not that complicated. - I don't know.

It seems like you're checking off items on a list, and I…

I don't think that's how it should feel.

I don't know what it is that you were, like, "expecting to feel,"

but this… this is it.

Okay? This… this…

This is the feeling.

I'm sorry, Beck. I don't think it is.

- Really? You would? - A competition makes it fun.

Can we get a few slices of your cheesecake?

- Uh, with a candle. - Of course.

Special occasion?

- It's our anniversary. - Aw.

Of the day they got separated.

Why do we do this every year?

Because some divorces are meant to be celebrated.

Like yours.

Meanwhile, this one and I were together for 32 beautiful years.

We only separated because he was a bit confused about his sexuality.

Not confused, Lynnie-bear. 100% sure.

It's very trendy to be gay these days.

- Mom. - What?

- Are you gay? - You cannot ask that.

- You don't out someone. - No. You can… You save yourself.

- Don't answer that. - I'll be back with desserts.

Thanks, handsome.

I've been meaning to tell you all.

I went to the doctor the other day,

and she discovered something awful.

- What? - Oh!

I noticed it the second you walked in. Your skin is this awful blue.

Please put the phone away. What's wrong?

Uh, I went to see Birch.

- Who the fuck is Birch? - Oh my God.

Birch is her sound therapist. Okay, she is not a doctor, Mom.

We thought were telling us you had cancer. Don't do that.

- She's a voice biologist. - Okay.

And she discovered that when I speak, I'm missing the note C.

Okay.

The note C is directly related to your colon,

and the colon is directly related to…

Guess it.

Deep sadness.

- Okay. We have a diagnosis. - Mom.

You've got to stop going to this woman.

- It's a New York area code. - Bless your heart.

- It's gotta be about the podcast. - Oh my God!

I'm not gonna get it here. Dad, move. I need you to move.

- I need to get the phone. Move! - What? Hey! What are you doing?

- Get out of the way! - Stop! Move! Everyone, move!

Hold on, hold on.

Yes. Hi, James. I can hear you.

Hi, Joanne. Should we grab your sister, or does that not matter?

- She's right here with me. - Hi. I matter. Hi, James.

So we've been tracking your podcast since we last spoke,

and it seems like time to discuss a possible acquisition.

- Oh my God. - Really?

We need to be sure numbers keep rising,

but everyone loves your dynamic and how you engage with your fans.

So keep that up and everything should fall into place.

We will. And… and this show has legs for a spin-off and a book deal.

I have an idea of something we could produce...

Um, will we get nice offices?

- Okay, I've gotta jump. Talk soon. - Okay.

- Great. Yes. Great. Thank you, James. Bye. - Thank you! Oh my God.

Amazing!

Hi, Sleeping Beauty. What are you doing?

Working.

It looks like you're in bed.

The world is my office, Ashley.

Must be nice. I'm just working on this ad packet for the podcast.

You could be doing that from bed, but we all have our own process.

Can we focus?

Jo, are you coming here tonight for the dinner party?

Who's gonna be there? Bunch of lesbians?

No.

Not as many as usual.

But some potentially interesting guys for you.

A divorcé with a young kid, you know,

a finance guy and a rabbi.

Oh, I thought you were starting a bad joke. Um…

They all sound terrible. I'll be there.

- Perfect. Dress like a huge slut. - I'll borrow something from your mom.

My mom's dead, and you know it, you bitch.

- You didn't even like her. Bye! - Bye.

Honey, I'm home!

Finally.

- Mm. Mwah. - Oh.

Ew. Not gay for you.

- Okay? - I tried.

What is this? What are you wearing? It's disgusting.

Two words. Chinchilla.

Okay, this is a cry for help.

I found it in the back of my dad's closet, so maybe.

- Hi, everyone. I'm Joanne. - How's it going?

You can relax. It's… it's fake.

She bites.

Rabbi.

Hmm?

- Hi. - Hi.

- Oh, can you hand me that corkscrew? - Sure.

- Here. Let me open that for ya. - Oh. Thank you.

Although, uh, are you sure you should be drinking?

You seem to be going through something.

Oh, no. I'm just in constant need of attention.