The Real O'Neals

This is he story of my family... The O'Neals.

We just came from church.

As always, we're on our best behavior,

and that's 100% due to my mom, Eileen.

Kenny. Four on the floor.

Sorry.

Yep. I'm the rebel.

What a lovely family.

Aren't they?

What I can get for you, sir?

Jimmy will have the skinless chicken breast

with the steamed broccoli.

He has to make weight for his wrestling match.

St. Barclay's.

Go, bulldogs!

- And for you, Si... - My husband will have the salmon

with a lemon wedge.

Can't have meat and potatoes for every meal.

Not till I'm in heaven.

Also, could you donate your tips to poor children in Ethiopia?

Shannon, honey, don't be pushy.

Karen needs to make her own moral decisions.

It's her soul that's going to hell

if she doesn't give you money.

My shift just started.

My mom always told us to behave as if Jesus were watching.

What are you getting, Kenny?

Uh, she usually just orders for me, so...

Smart.

I'm gonna let her order for me, too,

but then I'm just gonna turn it into whatever I want.

Mm. That's the life.

Jesus wasn't really there, you guys,

but you get it.

We were different than other families.

But I was about to change all that.

We were gonna go from this...

To this.

Use your core. Use your core!

They're coming for us!

Shannon is doing nothing!

Oh, where the hell is the car?!

Aaaaaaaaah!

The wheels started to fall off

the night before our church's biggest fundraiser...

Bingo bonanza.

My mom was chair of the event.

It combined two of the things she loved the most...

Serving the church and having everyone

watch her do it.

That is how you make

an easy nine-finger articulated medallion bow.

My dad was bringing home the mother of all donations

and the donation my mother cared about most of all...

A ride-along with the Chicago P.D.

I didn't get the ride-along.

What?! Why not?

Because apparently, we're being sued after the last one.

You think

you're so tough up there?

Why? 'Cause you're protected by this cage?

Well, I'm-a find you, dentist!

I'm-a find you, I'm-a kill you!

Don't listen to him. He's a drama queen.

You think I'm playin', son?!

What about the silent auction?

The ride-along was our big-ticket item.

Now we don't have our big-ticket item.

Jodi.

It's okay.

I didn't get to be chair of the bingo bonanza

by losing my cool.

Hmm?

Pat. Since you couldn't get the ride-along,

I think there's something else we could auction off.

Not my canoe!

We've had this thing for seven years,

and it's never even touched water.

But it could.

And look, I hope this doesn't sound too extreme,

but this canoe symbolizes all my hopes and dreams.

I bet we could get 3 grand for it.

Eileen!

Let's talk about it.

We never talk about things, and then I end up

getting railroaded into giving up my canoe.

Okay.

But I invited the bishop to bingo bonanza.

I was hoping that he'd see how generous we are

and then he'd write a recommendation

for Jimmy to go to Notre Dame

so he wouldn't end up living with us

for the rest of his life because he's a little dumb.

See that?

That's Irish-Catholic jedi mind control.

This is tremendous.

Eileen, I'd like to honor all your hard work

by featuring the O'Neals in the church bulletin.

So do you have a recent family photo?

Of course I do.

I'll get you a flash drive.

While Father Phil was looking through

1,000 of the exact same photos,

I was in my bedroom with my handsy girlfriend, Mimi.

I love Peta.

Mm. But...

We have been dating for six months,

and you have never once pressured me to have sex.

Which is why I want to have sex.

Uh, b-but Father Phil is downstairs,

and he's wearing his collar.

I don't care. I'm half-Jewish.

Whoa.

Uh, that's 48 condoms.

12 didn't seem like enough.

Are you sure you understand how they work?

Kenny.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Where are you going?

Um...

To put one of these on.

But you can do that in here.

But...

I want to make an entrance, So...

Okay.

Okay.

I can do this.

I can do this.

What's the problem?

Why am I so nervous?

I don't know. Why do you think?

What are you doing in my mirror, shirtless cologne model?

You tell me.

Hey.

Come out, Kenny!

Yeah, Kenny. Why don't you come out?

I can't come out. Have you ever met my mom?

She put a statue of the Virgin Mary over the toilet

so we'd put the seat down.

That's intense.

You're intense.

No, but it will literally kill her.

So...

I can't be gay... ever.

I need to learn how to do it... With a girl.

Straight sex.

I can do this.

Do you have it on yet? Does it fit?

Nope. Can't do this.

That's a... bad idea, man.

I'm out of here.

Wait! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Ohh! Oh, god.

No!

Oh, god.

Uggggggh!

Come on, girl. Help me out.

I finally got the bow right!

We're still in the bulletin, though, right?

The good news is, almost everyone was blinded

by plaster dust and didn't see the condoms.

The bad news is

my mom was now convinced that I'd sinned with Mimi.

Where's our regular plumber?

I had to call in a stranger.

We need to keep this Kenny thing contained.

You know how gossipy plumbers are.

Hey.

What do you think Mom's gonna do to me?

Who cares?

What did Mimi do to you?

Oh. Just... you know,

just... all that sex stuff that drives us wild.

Yeah! She did, man!

No matter what she tells you, you're not going to hell.

Trust me.

If everything she said was true,

I would be so blind by now.

Whoa! She looks pissed.

Good luck.

Just let me take the lead. Please?

Be my guest. Go right ahead.

Okay, so, some things happened last night

that I think we need to talk about.

You are in a heap of trouble, young man.

I know out in the rest of the world,

kids are humping to hip-hop, but not in this house.

Eileen.

Father Phil was here... In his collar!

I told Mimi that, but she was unmoved by that argument.

Zip it!

I have a lot more statues of the Blessed Virgin

in the basement, Kenny... Big ones.

Let me tell you how this ends.

- Here it comes. - If you get Mimi pregnant,

then you won't be able to go to Northwestern

and become the youngest judge in Illinois history,

like we always talked about.

And I want that for you.

Because you're my favorite.