Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin

And though I'm no Olivier,

if he fought Sugar Ray, he would say

that the thing ain't the ring, it's the play.

So give me a stage where this bull here can rage,

and though I can fight, I'd much rather recite.

That's entertainment.

- Alec, what are you doing in my dressing room?

- You talking to me? - Alec, don't do that.

What are you, afraid to be yourself?

- A little bit, I am. A little bit.

- Shake it off, Alec. This is your night.

Go for it. You can do it.

- You never got me down, Bob. You never got me down, Bob.

Put that coffee down.

- Pumpkin spice latte? Bob, come on.

- You bitch. We're gonna roast the fuck

out of you tonight.

- Regrets, I've had a few

But then again, too few to mention

But I did what I had to do

I saw it through without exemption

I've planned each charted course

Each careful step along the highway

And more, much more than this

I did it my way

- This is the Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin.

And now please welcome your roastmaster, Sean Hayes.

- Thank you. That's so nice. Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, everybody. Welcome.

Welcome to the Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin.

They say you only roast the ones you love,

but tonight we said fuck it.

Alec, I think we can all agree,

is a great actor, an incredible philanthropist,

and a huge dick.

Can someone please explain to Ken Jeong

what a huge dick is?

We got right into it.

Uh, it's great to see all the diversity on the stage, though.

We have a gay, trans, black, Asian, mixed.

I don't know whether to roast these people

or register them to vote.

Okay?

Let's get to the real reason why we're all here tonight.

To meet Robert De Niro.

Robert, by the way, what's a legend like you

doing at a comedy roast?

I mean, is this the same Robert De Niro

that did "Little Fockers" and "Dirty Grandpa" and...

Yeah, I guess it kind of makes sense, yeah.

I can't wait until someone

makes you an offer you can refuse.

We've got NBA all-star Blake Griffin tonight.

No offense, Blake, but I am a better ball handler than you.

Uh, Caitlyn Jenner is here.

I can't believe you're here, wow.

You've got balls, girl.

Yeah.

Caitlyn, being here tonight is braver

than anything you've ever done.

But don't worry, any parts you don't like can be cut.

Now, uh, without further a-douche,

let's take a look at Alec's package

before it makes any more Baldwins.

- Ladies and gentleman, the actor.

Execute.

Jack Donaghy.

You ask me if I have a God complex?

Put that coffee down.

Cookies are for closers.

I am God.

Next time, Jack, write a goddamn memo.

No one can resist my Schweddy balls.

- That phenomenon of nature called the actor.

- Stella! - What is he?

- Alec Baldwin is the single greatest actor of all time.

both: I love rock and roll

Rock and roll is the devil's music.

And they love me way more than they love Alec Baldwin.

- Actors live continually in the glare of the spotlight.

- Baldwin was kicked off a plane

after refusing to turn off his phone.

- Their comings and goings are reported daily in the press.

What job did you want to do

that you failed at that you're doing this job?

- For actors, there is no such thing as a private life.

- You are a rude, thoughtless little pig.

I'll give you a reason to be afraid of me!

I'm your host, Alec Baldwin. - I know the score

Many a man imagines himself

with his arms around a beautiful actress.

- Don't tire him out too bad on the honeymoon.

I'm gonna kill the bear!

- USDA certified lean - Oh!

I'm the man

- I'm a mighty great white shark, Lemon,

and you are a remora clinging to me

with your suction cup head.

- You can't break me down

I got gas in the tank

- I like to do my own dirty work.

- I got money in the bank

That's a lot of money, man.

- I got news for you, baby

You're looking at the man

- Whoops! Always be closing.

This is not a movie. This is my fucking life.

- A star of stage and screen, the one and only Alec Baldwin.

- And now the moment only he's been waiting for, Alec Baldwin.

Don't worry, Alec, nothing said here tonight

will be meaner than what you left

on your daughter's voice mail.

Alec once said that I was like a brother to him,

which is why we haven't talked in ten years.

Of course, I wasn't his first choice to host tonight.

His first choice was Tracy Morgan,

but even Tracy said,

"I'd rather go shopping at Walmart

with the Walmart driver who hit me."

A lot of people think Alec is the best Baldwin brother,

but someone saying you're the best Baldwin brother

is kind of like your doctor saying,

"Good news, you have the best kind of cancer."

Alec almost got the role of Batman in 1989,

but the part went to Michael Keaton

because he actually had chemistry with Kim Basinger.

I never thought of that.

- Of course, Alec's true passion

has always been the theater.

Alec loves to hit the stage because it can't press charges.

Alec used to be a belligerent drunk

before he became a belligerent sober person.

It's true, Alec had a substance abuse problem in the past,

but he worked through it and hasn't done

anything of substance in 20 years.

Alec is a romantic.

He met his first wife on a movie set

and his second wife on a swing set.

Her name is Hilaria, and what's even more "hilaria"

is they already have four kids together.

But he finally got it right.

His wife is a calming presence and an amazing yoga instructor.

She was able to get Alec into this one position

where he has to work until he dies.

The good part about having kids late in life:

young, strong pallbearers.

Now, Alec, sit back, unclench your fists,

and I promise, this will be the funniest thing

you've ever been a part of that Tina Fey

didn't carry you through.

Our first roaster is Nikki Glaser.

If you don't recognize Nikki, it's probably because

you were drunk when you went home with her.

Give it up for the person you'll remember as

that lady who went up first, Nikki Glaser.

Sean Hayes!

Keep it going for the reason

Mike Pence says we have hurricanes.

You look like the little man on top of a wedding cake

that a bakery would refuse to make for you.

"Will & Grace" was really the best you could do.

It just...

Just Jack! Just Jack is--

it's also what I'm gonna do in my hotel room alone

after sitting next to Blake Griffin all night.

Jesus Christ.

You're so hot. What the fuck?

You're so--I'd fuck you in front of my grandparents.

I--that's how--

I almost want to, you know?

I feel like Mimi would be proud.

Blake, you look like a black guy

that got made by a printer running out of ink.

That's--

Yeah.

Chris Redd is here because Comedy Central

wasn't sure if Blake was black or not.

You look great, Chris.

Uh, you always dress like a nine-year-old

who just found $1,000 on the sidewalk.

At this point, like, what can you say

about Jeff Ross that he hasn't heard before?

It's like--uh, oh. "I respect you."

Um, "You look nice tonight."

"Here's your salad, sir." Stuff like that.

Okay, Jeff, you look like if Popeye only ate Popeye's.

Checks out.

- Come back, no. - No, Jeff, no.

Don't break the couch. Your face...

Your face has a dad bod.