The League

Babe, I'm having week one issues.

- Which tie? - Left.

Ricky Williams or Toby Gerhardt? I am not sure. What do you think?

I don't know. I am not in the league. I have no opinion.

Yet you have an opinion about ties and you're not an Italian tie-maker.

What?

- Are you mad about the whole Vegas thing? - No.

No, I'm not mad at all.

Well, then, help me out with this decision, then.

Okay, I'm a little mad.

I knew it.

See?

You're making a big deal out of this thing.

Whoa, what are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

I-I do not, I don't know what... This is intimacy, sweetheart.

This is what you signed on for.

This is not intimacy, okay?

Intimacy is spooning.

This is like watching the Nature Channel.

I thought we were comfortable with our bodies.

I am incredibly uncomfortable right now.

Can you at least toss me the cordless?

I don't think what I did was wrong; I feel like it was fine.

You're a vile animal.

No, look, she's the person I've chosen to spend the rest of my life with.

I should be allowed to be comfortable being myself around her.

Isn't there such a thing as too much sharing?

Yeah, you want to talk about too much sharing?

She pulled me into the labor room.

So this is payback for the placenta.

- Payback for the placenta, right. - Placenta is beautiful.

It literally is the circle of life.

It looks like a Hefty bag that washed up on the shore.

And by the way, after Vegas, you were already in the doghouse

with Jenny, so you really have to show some sort of effort.

I don't understand what "effort" means.

You got to keep it spontaneous,

so that's why every 2.6 months, I make a grand gesture.

You know, the rest of the year I coast by.

It's like how studios release these big blockbuster movies and

then the rest of the year, they just sort of fart out Katherine Heigl dreck.

Like, I'm gonna take Sofia this weekend and I'm gonna give her a

Terrific Lady Day... A Terrific Lady Day?

You do whatever they want and you got to look interested the whole day.

"What's that?

Heirloom tomatoes are different from regular tomatoes?

Amazing."

And at the end of that day, we will adjourn to our bedroom and

we will culminate with me entering my wife.

Enough.

No, no, no.

We don't want to hear about it.

Are you kidding me?

When we were dating, all you wanted to hear was sex details about Sofia.

Yeah, but you're married now and we're literally as bored with it as you are.

It's like second-generation stale to us.

But he does have a point.

You need to find that little thing that says... I got to put in some effort.

Oh, Raffi's coming by for a drink.

You invited him here?

Why?

'Cause he's in the league.

He's our friend.

You know we hate him, right?

You realize that?

We call him El Cunado.

He's vile.

By the way, "El Cunado" just means "brother-in-law" in Spanish.

I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to make it sound dirty.

No, it does sound dirty.

El Cunado.

Cunado.

When did you become such a fan of El Cunado?

You used to rip on him constantly, and then all of a

sudden you marry his sister and he's your best friend now?

You used to call him, like, a homeless, ethnic Santa Claus.

It happened to be around Christmastime, and he was

carrying a big bag of things.

Guys, uh, over here at 2:00, there's this chick I work with.

We're up for the same case, it's a big thing, and, uh, she's

one of those Goody Two-Shoes.

She's a team player, she uses words like "synergy."

She's, she's kissing Taco.

What the (bleep) is going on?

Oh, my God, this is perfect.

How's it going?

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Hi.

Hi.

Um, just so you know, in your inbox, there is a corrected

version of your motion for The State v. Kinley.

Also, check your inbox.

I sent you a message.

My neighbor's cat's still making that noise.

Oh, these are some of Kevin's friends.

They're in a fantasy football league together.

It's a tad childish, but hey, they enjoy it.

I won it.

Oh, good for you.

Yeah, you know you're in it, too, Taco, right?

Yeah, just to humor them.

That's so thoughtful of you.

Oh, you know what?

I'm gonna have to take this.

Yeah.

I may be right back.

Probably O'Connor... he's a ballbuster, that guy.

Yeah, O'Connor is my boss, too, Taco.

What the hell's he doing calling her?

I don't know, man.

I'm off the clock.

You don't have a clock, Taco.

Yeah, I do, in my kitchen.

It makes animal noises.

Oh.

Okay, I am turning this off.

All right.

And I am officially yours.

Okay.

God, you smell good.

Babe.

Hey.

How much do you love this guy, huh?

What did you do?

I made a plan.

You know that O'Connor fund- raiser I have downtown this weekend?

Yeah.

I'm gonna make a whole adult weekend out of the thing.

We're gonna get a hotel, we're gonna go out to dinner.

It's gonna be awesome.

A real grown-up date?

Yes, we are going to get dressed up, we're going to drink

urbane $17 martinis.

I might even talk politics.

Ooh, I love when you talk politics.

Yeah, a little urban housing development.

Oh.

Little financial crisis.

Oh, come on.

Little Ben Bernanke.

Ben Bernanke.

Yeah, how's that sound?

Say it again.

So you in?

So in.

Good.

Yeah.

You guys ready for week one?

Yeah.

Week one.

I'm very excited.

And I really see some good matchups this weekend, huh?

The unblinking eye of Sauron has Grima Wormtongue in his sights.

It's amazing how pointless and terrible your analogies are.

I can't believe I'm actually rooting for Ruxin to win here, but I really...

Raffi in the house!

What's up, my boys?

Hey, it's Raffi.

How's it going, bros?

Raffi bringing the heat right away.

Oh, man.

Funny.

What are we talking about?

Talking about, uh, football... week one.

Oh, man, I am killing it in my fantasy football league.

We didn't even st... this is week one of the fantasy football league.

No, no, no, real football, like in England.

You mean fútbol?

Yeah.

Soccer?

No, sorry, that's, that's what, that's what assholes call it.

Sorry.

Ah, the shit-talking has already started between week one

adversaries Raffi and Kevin..

Raffi, what are you... Oh, my God. That's yours now.

I'm in your head, bro.

Get ready, 'cause I am coming for you.

Prepare yourself, because I am literally going to sodomize you

on the battlefield.

I'm going to have nonconsensual sex with your face and butt.

All right.

And then I'm coming for your wife and your kids.

Hey, Raffi.

I'm just kidding, man, just busting balls.

Jukebox.

I'm gonna put seven dollars'

worth of Hoobastank in it, and I'm coming back to hang with you bros.

He's so funny, man.

You know, within 48 seconds, he sucked all the fun out of the room.

He's a fun vacuum.

You guys, he's the new guy.

You just... you razz him a little, but you take advantage

of him in trades.

He's more worthless than the black Thompson Twin.

You know, I can't tell if that's more dated or more

racist. Any thoughts?

That might be racist.