Jackass 3D

Vod2srt by Blue-Bird™

Good evening. I'm Butt-head.

The movie you are about to see

will be presented using special 3D technology.

You will see the Jackasses

like no human being has ever seen them before.

In three dimensions.

In order to experience this new dimension,

you must put on the special glasses that you were given in the lobby.

This is gonna be cool.

Doesn't really look any different, Butt-head.

Whoa! Hey, Beavis, look at my hand.

It's in 3D.

Really? I don't see...

That's amazing! It felt like you really hit me!

It's almost like your hand really...

Wow! It's amazing technology!

Wait a second.

So sit back and enjoy the movie.

That was definitely 2D.

Dumb-ass.

Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville! Welcome to Jackass.

My name is Johnny Knoxville, and this is the High Five.

Oh, my goodness. Good morning!

There? All right.

- Fuck. - Oh, no.

- Yeah, Dunn. What up, brother? - What's up, nerd?

- Whassup, dude? - What's up, nerds?

Dude, you played it off so good.

He said, "What's up, Dunn?"

Reset, reset.

Ehren's walking in, and we're gonna have him bring

in a whole tray full of soup.

- How you doing, guys? - Pop it in there.

- He's not gonna do it. - What?

I don't think he's gonna go for it.

- What up, Ehren? - What's up, dude?

Help us crowd, brother.

He fell for it!

He fell for the soup!

Welcome back, ladies. You got me.

Oh, my God!

Look at the tray! He broke it in half, dude!

- You can hug me for that. - The tray broke.

I can't believe he fell for it. "Can you bring the soup in?"

"We need you to bring this tray of soup into the kitchen."

This is all flour for our friend, Bam.

We're gonna antique him when he gets here.

- Oh, OK. - He's walking in.

- What's up? - What up?

Not much. How you been? High five!

That was the best one so far!

- Oh, my God! - You guys done kicked my fucking ass.

He got antiqued!

- I was so not ready for that. - That was so good! You went flying.

- Good morning, man. - Morning, Bam!

Howdy. Goddamn!

Not too many people knew us back in our college days,

but, man, we were wild!

I mean, we were having wet T-shirt contests,

bitchin' summers, body shots...

...cornholin'...

And Johnny Knoxville, the king of spring break!

Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga!

I'm Johnny Knoxville. This is the Jet Ski.

Dude.

Holy shit!

You just barely clipped the top.

He totally landed it.

- How far did I go? - You went far, man.

I was scared, man.

I've seen a lot of crazy shit during spring break,

and that took the cake, man.

I didn't exactly stick the fuckin' landing.

- No. I think you did. - Yeah, you did!

The king of spring break!

Shit. Dude, I knew we shouldn't have done this

at my fuckin' dad's house.

He's already pissed about me fuckin' skipping school.

He's gonna cut me off.

That's coming out of my allowance.

I'm Steve-O... Oh, fuck!

Why do I have to be Steve-O?

- It'll be so quick. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got it.

I'm Steve-O,

and this is Tee Ball.

That was a direct ding-ding hit.

It's only getting worse and worse.

You're the best fielder I ever saw, Steve-O.

Great job.

Right down the middle.

Line drive.

I'm Dave England, and this is the Bungee Boogie.

Go.

That was thrilling.

- What the fuck? - Let's try it again!

Let go.

Shit!

- You OK, dude? - Yeah, super good.

- Ready? - OK.

My lip.

- Here we go. - Tell us when.

- Go ahead. - Step... go!

That was actually pretty impressive.

I mean, it wasn't a slam, but it was still pretty impressive.

But this is really impressive.

- Ready? - This seems dangerous.

And go!

Fuck the helmet, give me a back brace.

Man, you ate shit!

- Well, that worked. - I thought you had that.

And go!

Hey! There goes the pool!

Preston. That was awesome.

...start to see me on TV...

How many bees are we working with here today?

Each hive, probably anywhere from ten to 50,000 bees.

They are Africanized, so they will be a little bit more testy.

What do you think the chances are of these guys getting stung today?

They're gonna get stung. There's no doubt in my mind.

When you hit a ball full of bees, you're gonna get stung.

How many bee stings do you think we can take?

I think it takes about a hundred to kill a man.

- What?! - There's 50,000 bees in there.

Did you just make that up, please?

- I don't think I made it up. - What?!

There's 50,000 per hive.

50,000 and it takes 100 to kill a man?

I think it's about a hundred bees can kill you, if I'm not mistaken.

- What are we doing here? - Making a hit movie.

Go for 99 and then take off.

That's gotta piss 'em off too, right,

- just being poured in there? - Oh, maybe.

I'm starting to think that maybe this wasn't that good of an idea.

It seemed good on paper.

Look at this.

This is gonna be gnarly now, man.

- Come on, go. Let's go. - Whoa. No, I'm getting hit.

- Oh, shit. - Come on, Manny.

Go on! Do it! Do it! Do it!

Do it! Fucking do it!

Got a butt-ton of bees! My two sexy players,

this is Beehive Tetherball! Game on!

Game on!

Oh, fucking shit!

I can't do it anymore!

Shit! Fuck! Goddamn it!

Fuck! Oh, shit!

He's gonna win!

- Steve-O! - Fuck!

- Shit! Oh, fuck! - Stay with Dave. Go with Dave.

Loomis, come retrieve the ball.

Oh, fuck!

Oh, dude, it fucking hurts!

Oh, my God! Oh, fuck!

Please put me somewhere where there's no bees!

It's the carbon dioxide.

Your body heated up, so they targeted you, you took it really good, man.

I am so fucking hurt!

You were running around on carbon dioxide.

- Look at your eye. - God, I gotta get rid of this.

The thing is that Dave doesn't understand

is that the more you freak out, the more you get stung.

Idiot!

That felt like somebody was blowing a fireball in my face.

It looked like you were just getting the hell beat out of you.

You can't fucking breathe.

Waiter? Can I get some cream for my coffee?

That's the story of Jackass right there.

Just pissing in the wind.

Hey, buddy, would you mind watching my dog for a second

while I run in there? Thanks. I'll be right back.

Thank you, buddy.

Thanks, bud.

Thank you very much for watching my dog.

My name is Johnny Knoxville, and this is Roller Buffalo.

You're the man!

We're not worthy.

Oh, man. Let me get over here.

- What'd it feel like? - It felt like shit.

It felt like I got run over by a buffalo.

It's in my mouth!

Get me out of here! Get me out of here!

Ehren, stay here!

Think we need to get him out from there?!

Let's get him! Get it off of him.

- Ehren, stay out! - All right!

Lance... Hold it together, Lance!

Pull out! OK, pull out! Pull out!

- Did I get the shot? - You got the shot, dude.

So it went high and everything? It was like a volcano?

You got a good three feet.

- Three foot? - Yeah, that one had some power.

- It was like a full-on volcano? - Absolutely.

Don't say anything.

- What would your flavors be? - Two Budweisers.

What do I owe you?

Six-fifty, please.

- Keep the change. - Thank you, dear.