Honky Tonk

Come on, you. Keep pumping.

They're a couple of big fellas. They'll soak up a lot of tar.

Get away. Get away.

We got enough to plaster a team of army mules.

Say, Smitty, how do you like a beautiful saddle

I'm making for him?

Hey, boys. We've got plenty of feathers.

I stole the old lady's best pillow.

Hey, this is hot enough to fry them fellows' hides.

Come on. Get him a shot.

And, you, take of them pants.

I tell you once again, my friend

if you think my partner and I cheated you

you're making the mistake of your lives.

And yet, I can stand here

with my own gun pointed at me and say

"To err is human, to forgive divine."

Sure. We ain't hold no grudge.

We be willing to shake hands all around and then forget it.

You skinned us. Now we're gonna skin you

in a different place.

I can see it's no use trying to fool

a bunch smart folks like you.

You're right. We cheated you something cruel

and we got this coming.

But we ain't dead set on collecting it.

Pump.

Alright. What are we waiting for?

- Alright, peel of those pants. - Now, wait, wait.

Before we get these feather underclothes

there's something I'd like to do.

Something I must do to square my conscious.

I wanna make sure that my crooked tricks

are never pulled on you good people again.

I am going to show you how they're worked.

I'm sure you'd never use them for personal gain.

No, siree. But...

Now you, sir

you look like a man who'd like to shine at parties.

Do a few tricks. Isn't that so?

It might be fun if I'd known how it's done.

You're dead right, mister. And here, here's a man

'who looks like he'd catch on to the tricks'

'at the first crack out of the bottle.'

Think we can trust him, boys?

If you keep that hammer back.

You'll never regret it, gentlemen.

The best investment you ever made.

Now, if you'll just pardon me

I am about to disclose to you gentlemen

all the hidden secrets

secrets handed down in my family

from generation to generation.

Hurry up or you'll be the last of your line.

One thing you must know before all else.

All confidence games are aimed at people

who want something for nothing.

Find out who they are and your fortune is made.

If, and here's the second rule, of the game, gentleman.

'If your hand is quicker than the eye..'

'Now draw a bit closer, gents'

'and keep your attention on my two hands.'

'My two lily white hands.'

'Nothing up my sleeve, in fact, no sleeves to have anything up.'

I have here, 52 innocent looking pieces of pasteboard.

I select three of 'em.

The king of spades, the king of clubs

'and the ace of hearts.'

Ah, but I forgot, gentlemen.

I forgot the spice of our little game.

The $100 bill.

By ill-gotten gains which you so rightfully took from me.

And which we're keeping.

Very well. We'll use another one.

One which even now reposes behind my shell-like ear.

I thought you cleaned him.

Well, I guess I should've watched behind his ears.

Oh, don't blame my friend here.

Being a honest man, he didn't look for tricks.

Now your attention please, gents.

The game is simple and reward is great.

I place these three cards face downward on the board.

And the man who is sharp enough

to guess which card is the ace of hearts

receives as his reward this beautifully engraved memento.

Oh, filthy lucre. What crimes are committed in thy name.

And now, gentlemen, for rule three.

A little hocus-pocus known as hypnotizing the suckers...

By which, of course, I couldn't mean any of you, gentlemen.

Now, watch closely. Watch closely.

Pick the ace of hearts and win the riches of the Indies.

Now I'm sure there must be

a red-blooded sportsman among you

who wouldn't mind stepping forward

with a ten-dollar bill in his hand.

He will get the privilege of picking the magic ace of hearts

and receiving as his reward the $100 bill.

Now, step up, gents.

Step up and see whether the hand is quicker than the eye.

It's a cinch. That's the card there.

Ten dollars, a mere bagatelle will prove it.

If I'm right, do I get $100?

Not only do you receive the cash award

you receive the secret of the trick. Golden knowledge.

Which of you were a lesser man could rebuke a golden arm.

There.

Don't feel bad, my friends.

The dishonest hand is quicker than the honest eye.

It's the one at this end. I've been watching closely.

Pay and play.

And now, my friends, that glittering dream

of all true gamblers.

A ten-to-one payoff on a sure thing.

Hey, mister, that's my bet.

Stand back, Pete. I was just reaching for my pocket.

Here.

- That convinces me. - Then we can go?

Yes, out of town on a rail.

Oh, now, just a minute, my good friends.

I am going to show you how it works.

Where the elusive ace of hearts reposes.

And it's to your advantage to know because you have it.

And the man who has the ace of hearts

receives the $100 bill.

I've got it? Where is it?

Now watch closely, gentlemen. Watch closely.

If you'll just give me a little bit of room here, please.

You'll be amazed when I show you where it is.

You will be astounded.

You'll regard it as the miracle of the century.

Start reaching, suckers.

Take to your heels while you're still wearing shoes.

Dip your hats when you say goodbye.

Alright. Hey, Rube.

Let's get out of here.

Look at him.

He's strutting like a peacock.

Folks dang there made us miss our train, Candy.

- Who you saying goodbye to? - My laundry.

I got shirts in every town between here and Albany.

I'd like to stay in a place long enough to get my pants pressed.

Yeah? Well, we're going to, Sniper.

I'm tired of being run out of somebody else's town.

I'm gonna find me a town of my own.

I'm gonna be the gent who says "go or stay."

But I can't do it with this thing growing out of my hands.

- You gonna turn honest? - I'm gonna turn smart.

Hey.. Wait a minute, you're puttin' us out of business.

Sniper, don't you ever want to do anything better than

play come-on for the suckers?

There ain't anything better than picking out that ace of hearts

and hearing them suckers squeal, huh?

Looks like that strike up in Yellow Creek's

still going strong.

I hear they'll be digging pay dirt there for years.

Hey. Watch where you're going, I'll bust you in the teeth.

Sorry.

Yellow Creek.

I'm toppin' it ten.

Your speed.

Gimme that century note.

What's that you're playin' there, boys? Poker?

Why don't you sit and find out?

Well, thanks, folks, don't mind if I do.

- Three jacks. - Beats me.

Smells kinda good for such an old trick.

I'm afraid you think I dropped it on purpose.

No, no. Of course not, honey, that's the last thing you'd do.

The last thing I'd do is speak to a strange man.

No, you're overdoing it.

- Overdoing what? - The wide-eyed business.

I think a girl should keep her eyes open. Wide open.

Now let's see, as I remember, it usually goes like this...

You were born and raised in a little town in Vermont

Ohio, Nebraska, or maybe New Jersey.

Massachusetts. Boston, Massachusetts.

And your father's a doctor or preacher or a school teacher.

Well, anyway, he's poor but honest.

My father happens to be a judge. And he's very honest.

An honest judge. Was there ever one who wasn't?

Now, let's see. The family meets reverses.

The mortgage is foreclosed. The mother dies of shame.

So, the poor little daughter is thrown out

into the cold, cold world.

And where does she go?

To the land of opportunity, The Golden West.

But in the meantime, she needs ten dollars

to pay for her ticket.

Ain't it lucky, honey?

It just happens that I've got ten dollars.

- Thank you. Thank you. - There you are, sister.

And it just happens that I could use ten dollars.

Right now.

Honey, you astound me.

- 'Thank you.' - Mm-hm.