Louie

Sorry.

You're Louie C.K.?

Yeah.

I'm here from the club.

Oh, you work at the club?

Yeah, it's my dad's club.

I'm taking you to the condo.

Okay.

Look at that guy-- Look at that guy.

Look at that guy's crazy

in that car in front of us.

So what is Oklahoma City like?

It's okay...

as long as you stay out of downtown.

Why? What's wrong with downtown?

Too many sickies.

Too many what? Sickies?

What's that? You mean like sick people?

No, forget it.

Sickies.

Sickies, I never-- I never heard that.

What is a sickie? What are sickies?

Mexicans.

This is your condo.

Hey! This is Kenny.

He's your opener.

Hey, how you doing, man?

Hey, uh, Eva, real quick.

You mind if I cram my dick in your asshole for a minute?

Uh, I'll pick you guys up later.

All right, later then.

Hey, come on in, man. Okay.

How's in going. All right.

Louie C.K.?

Yeah. Yeah. Kenny.

Good to meet you, man. Hey, nice to meet you.

Uh, this the living room over here.

Okay.

Your bedroom is right over there.

Got it.

Um, hey, you want to get started?

It's after 11 a.m.

Oh, no thanks, man. Thank you though.

Oh, you're sober I guess, right?

No, no, I just don't-- I don't--

I don't start drinking this early.

I got kids and stuff, you know?

Oh. All right, I mean.

I got three myself, but...

Nah, it's cool, whatever.

- Okay. - No problem.

Alright man, I'm gonna--

Yeah. I'll see you later.

All right.

Don't even--

Don't even give a comic a hand job, nothing.

They'll just beg for it.

They'll go, "Look, just give me a hand job.

"You know, I'm gonna go back to the condo

and masturbate anyway."

And a lot of them want their finger in their ass

as your jerking them off.

Don't do that. Jesus man!

I'm trying to help her out.

Just go back to school, no finger in the ass.

What, dude?

If you've got a big penis, or you got a lot of money.

You look Irish so you obviously have a lot of money then, huh?

Look at those tits on her, they're huge.

She could breast feed Ethiopia with those things.

You don't mind if I masturbate later

thinking about them, do you?

No? Good. I might just do it right now.

I got to have a good solid hour

out of you every night, all right?

Now, I require my headliners to wear a suit

or at least a jacket and not to swear.

Okay, I don't wear a suit, first of all.

I don't wear a jacket, I don't dress like that on stage.

No, that's not gonna do it.

Well, that's me.

I mean, I've never worn a suit on stage or jacket.

So, that's just-- That's how I dress.

I can send you home right now.

...you know I got a small dick...

Okay, yeah, I guess you could,

um, but I'm not gonna change how I dress.

So what do you want to do?

You're starting this week inside of my ass.

All right, thanks man.

You guys ready for the headliner?

This guy's great, man.

You've seen him on David Lettermen,

you heard him on the Tony show.

Give it up for Louie C.K..

Thank you.

Thank you, how you guys doing?

Good!

Good. Good.

Pleasure to be here in Oklahoma.

All right. I live in New York City.

And it's, uh, kind of a dif-- Weird, uh--

I was reading in the paper the other day

that 85% of the people in New York

are minorities.

Don't you want to spot calling the minorities

when they get to 85%?

You know, it's very much white people math.

You know, it's like you can take a white guy to Africa,

and he'd be like, "Look at all the minorities they got over here."

I'm the only majority here.

Anyway, I was, uh--

Hey, good morning, man. Hey, how you doing?

You want some breakfast?

No, thank you very much.

No? Uh, girls, this is Louie.

He's the headliner. This is, uh...

Stacy, this is Karen.

That's not actually their names but close enough.

Right.

I'm just gonna go for a walk.

So I'll see you later.

You're gonna go for a walk around here?

Yeah. Anyways, nice to meet you.

All right.

See you later.

Enjoy your walk.

Oh, my God, this is gorgeous.

Hi, there. I'll be right with you.

Oh, no, that's okay, thank you.

And this-- Oh, this is perfect for you.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, we want to do the Civil War one.

Oh, you know what, we need a man.

Can you take the picture with us?

I have to take the picture, so, no, I can't do that.

Oh.

How about you?

Sorry.

Will you take a picture with us?

Oh, no-- No, no, no.

Oh, come on, please.

It'll just take a couple of minutes.

We want to get a really complete scene.

No, I got-- It'll be fun.

Please. Please.

You mean like dress up in-- Yes!

No, that's-- I can't--

Oh, come on.

You can dress up. Please.

Be a general.

It'll be really fun.

Please. Okay.

Thank you! All right.

All right. Great.

Okay, you guys look great.

Mama, look at this.

Oh, my God.

Is our designated man ready?

I think so.

Okay.

Oh, my heaven.

Look at him.

***

Captain Whoever, you look dashing.

Why, thank you, mam.

Doesn't he look wonderful, Mother?

He is a proper escort, my dear girl.

My I have the pleasure of this dance?

Why, Beauregard, if you must.

That was really nice of you, thanks.

Oh, sure.

Here, here's yours.

Oh... oh, thanks.

Welcome. Bye.

Bye, thanks again.

Sure, bye.

Yeah, and I'm like...

Thanks, babe, I just lost my hard on there,

you know what I mean, you know?

You're not offended by the fart joke are you, ma'am?

Come on, you farted before. You've never farted?

But yeah, right, women don't fart, you know?

You know what, can I borrow your lighter?

I'm gonna light a fart right on stage.

What do you think of that? You guys want to see this?

All right what I'm gonna do--

Don't light your fart.

Please, don't light your fart.

...the second boom, you guys go nuts,

and I'm lighting it, all right?

All right, ready? Boom, chica, boom!

Oh, God damn it.

Am I right?

All right, that's it for me.