The Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat

Jump back, baby.

Fritz, did you go down and see the welfare people today?

Yeah. They told me to report someplace tomorrow.

I got it written down on a piece of paper, I think.

Listen, are you gonna go?

I don't know. Let's fuck.

Then will you go out and look for a job like you said?

What? Did I say that?

Man, oh, man, am I stoned!

How is it a grown man can spend so much time...

just dreaming about what he's gonna do for his family?

For Christ's sakes! Will you come down to Earth?

What we need is the basic staff of life!

Like grub!

I never saw anybody walking around more stoned than you.

Always stoned!

Where do you get the money to buy that grass?

Will you tell me?

You and your Acapulco Gold.

You know what that is? That's shit!

Which is what you are! You are shit, Fritz!

Here's something you don't know.

Harvey and I made it. What do you think of that?

We made it, and he's better in bed than you are.

You know why? He's hung like a horse.

What about you? You're nothing.

You're nothing in the living room.

You're nothing in the bathroom.

You're nothing in bed.

You don't even change the damn roller on the toilet paper.

I'm the one that uses that mostly.

And what about putting the seat down?

Why don't you ever do that?

Why don't you take that chicken-shit grin off your face?

Fritz! You're a no-good!

How much can a person take?

And why don't you ever put the goddamn seat down...

when you're through peeing?

You rotten putz, you!

That's all you do is sit around.

I never saw anything like it in my entire life!

You know what I would like to do to you?

I would like to take you and shake you...

until all your teeth fall right onto the floor...

and then you know what I'd do?

I'd stamp on them, all the teeth...

and I'd make them right into powder.

And then I'd sprinkle the powder right over your head.

And then I would knock you right in the goddamn face!

I'd like to pulverize you!

I'd take your nose...

and I'd put it across the room on the wall.

I'd like to knock you into next week sometimes!

This is it, Fritz. I'm really sore.

Now, I'm really sore. I am sick to death!

I'm gonna tell you one time and one time only...

so you better listen to me...

because if you don't listen to me now...

I ain't gonna say it again.

I'll go out and get myself a two by four...

and beat your fucking head in!

You are gonna pick up after yourself.

From now on, I'm through picking up after you.

And you will put the seat down on that goddamn toilet!

I'm telling you one time and one time only.

You're a no-good bum, and I've had it with you, Fritz!

I have had it with you!

And let me tell you something else.

I know you play around.

Don't try to lie to me.

You don't even have a guilty look on your face.

You really don't give a goddamn.

I know that you're playing around.

Don't think I haven't seen you.

I get telephone calls from girls.

They call me up. God knows why they want you.

Don't they know how shitty you are in bed?!

Hey, man, don't do that.

What? Do what?

You know what I'm talking about.

What the hell are you laying on me, man?

I ain't laying nothing on you, man.

It's what you laid on me. No need to be crude.

God damn it, you freaking out or something?

Look, Juan, if we can just cash this welfare check...

we can get us some Rip Bull or maybe even some muscatel.

Kiss off, dude! That's your problem.

You ain't got the guts to admit when you're wrong.

You just passed gas at me, man, and that's uncool.

Oh, wow.

Don't have the guts to confess you're a goddamn coward.

You're just like my sister.

Well, you P.R.s are hypersensitive, you know?

I thought you and me were friends.

A little wig out, I'm a religion now, huh?

A P.R., huh? Nice.

Hey, about your sister, Juan...

does she have big tits?

I wish you people would learn to speak English.

Christ knows we were here first.

It's the only way I talk to a man who has habits like a pig.

Man, don't be that way.

Let's get some wine and go see your sister...

and maybe we can get it on.

Beats the hell out of freezing our balls off, right?

No deal, man. I can't trust you no more.

I can't let you fuck my sister, you know?

You got no class, man.

You wouldn't let me fuck your sister.

Why should I let you fuck mine?

Listen, your sister is some piece of ass.

I know, man. Yeah.

My sister?

Wow, man, I can't believe that.

Yeah, man, you better believe it.

She was a female creature of tender passion...

of simple earthen charm, you know?

Wow, dude, that's good.

Yeah, you could say that.

Juan, you better get back in the phone booth again.

I feel a fart coming on.

Check it out.

We done came all the way across town...

done caught busses and cars and hitchhiked to get here...

then put on our best clothes...

so we can walk in this neighborhood...

so we can get in one of these white houses...

to rip off one of them $400 televisions...

one of them $300 watches...

one of them Panasonic, rena-sonic...

exto-sonic, plesto-plastic stereos.

With the quadro-flex, modu-lextic...

medu-modula needles and shit...

Big-time shit, man.

I ain't never heard of nothing like that.

You ain't in this community, blood!

That's why we came here, you know what I'm saying?

You don't know what you doing, man.

I also be doing this big-time organizing and shit.

You ripping off washing machines and toilet paper.

Unusual odd shit. Now you know why we here.

OK, now...

we gonna crawl in this here window, all right?

You take the downstairs, and I'll take the upstairs.

Why is it that I always got to take the downstairs?

Beause you don't like jumping out of windows, man.

Shit!

Now, will you cut that out, Fritz?

Hey!

The beauty of cannabis.

And then once we get inside, get everything--

don't get no washing machines-- then leave.

Somebody's home!

Doesn't it fill you with joy?

Is that cat smoking?

The unfettered exuberance, the lust for life?

It makes you...

Look how he's smoking weed.

want to drop your phony inhibitions...

and love your fellow man?

Look at that chick with them titties!

Or brother, maybe. Doesn't it? Huh?

It is Juan's sister.

Don't you kind of see things more clearly, huh?

That's right. Take a good, long drag, sis.

Now breathe in the smoke. Deep.

It'll help clear your sinuses.

Hey, I feel light-headed.

That is Juan's sister, man!

He's going to the store!

Looks like a feature film, you know what I mean?

Right on.

Will it really expand my...awareness?

Well, you know what they say...

"Take tea and see."

Doesn't clear my sinuses at all.

Daddy says you're only good for getting the papers.

Is that all you're good for, Fritz?

That's some kick, huh?

You know the most interesting thing about smoking?

It causes excessive perspiration...

and a person has to take off all his clothes.

Otherwise, he can drown to death in his own juices.

Now, this activity is like artificial respiration.

Smoke some more of this shit. Fuck them.

If I get up in this pad, I got the downstairs--

-Hold it in. -I'll knock it out.

You'd knock it out, you'd what?

I love my brother's friends.

Man, he ought to put a bag over that ugly bitch's head.

Stick her head in the couch, man.

Before I stick my thing in her...

-Look at them fuck. -Man, hold up.

Makes me kind of horny, man.

-Yeah. -Let's rob.

Duck, man. There's a car coming up the driveway.

I bet it's her old man.

Is this good for the liver?

Oh, Fritz. That's good!

Chita!