It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Dee, what are you doing?

I'm eating cake.

I can see that you're eating cake,

but that's Frank's cake from, like, a month ago. I threw that in the trash!

Oh, my God. Seriously? - Yes!

Dee, you're eating trash cake and smoking?

I mean, you know what you look like?

- You look like... - Like a bird?

Yeah. Yeah, of course you look like a bird.

- Yeah. - You always look like a bird.

But I was gonna say, uh, you look like a...

Like a, like a bird lady covered in bird shit eating cake?

- Dee, slow down, all right? - Yeah.

- Let the man do this. - Let me do my thing.

You're jumping on my thing here.

You know what she looks like? She looks like a bird that has no...

A bird with no tits and no ass?

- Dee, let us handle... - Yeah.

I got one, I got one. - Go, go, go, go, go, go!

- She looks like... - Like a bird.

- That was it. - Was that it?

- Ah... - That was it.

- See? That would have been funny, Dee. - Right. Yeah, Dee, don't...

What are you doing? You know, that's not fun. Stop.

- Stop whatever this is. I don't like it. - I'm sorry, you guys. I'm sorry.

Don't apologize. That's just sad. Fight back at us.

What's the point? The joke's always on me, all right? I get it.

- Yeah, but it's no fun unless you fight back. - Yeah.

- Yeah, I'm just gonna go home. - Good, go home. I hope you, uh...

- You hope I get hit by a bus? - Dee, come on, that's...

What difference does it make?

I can't get any lower than I am already.

I might as well just throw myself in front of a bus though,

because I'm so ugly I can't even get a bus to hit on me.

Well.

Geez.

What the hell was that all about?

I'll tell you exactly what that was.

- Dee? Dee, are you dead? - Did you kill yourself, Dee, or...?

- Ah. - Dee, why is your door unlocked?

Do you realize how unsafe that is?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, Dee, this is truly pathetic,

and you are really bringing us down, so we're gonna help you out.

We realize we may be in some ways responsible for the state you're in.

Yeah, all right, so we got an idea though, okay?

We're gonna sign you up for an open mic night at a comedy club!

- Yes. - Right? That's your thing!

And we're actually gonna support you, Dee.

And now that you don't care anymore, you're not gonna gag on stage.

Yeah, you know, you're right in that sweet spot between,

like, suicidal and actually dead, where most comedians, they thrive there.

Yeah, what was that thing you said about how the joke's always on you?

That could be a catchphrase.

Dee, look, I don't want to pile on here, 'cause you're

- clearly very close to killing yourself... - Yeah.

...but I got to say, I totally disagree with the guys on this.

I'm glad you've given up.

And I want to propose something totally different:

- I would like to find you a man. - Come on.

Yeah. A man to settle down with.

Now, I'm not talking about a smart man, not-not a handsome man,

but a very, very average if not below average man

to take you off of our hands forever.

Yeah, okay. Go ahead. Go with it.

- Go with it? - Which one? You were not clear.

The thing. Whatever. Both. I don't care.

- Let's-let's do my plan. - The comedy plan. - Let's do our plan.

- We're gonna do the comedy plan, all right? - Meh.

: Dude, she is gonna bomb so hard, and then she's gonna feel worse.

: It's okay, dude.

She'll tell a couple jokes, and then we'll, like, fake laugh and stuff, you know?

And tomorrow we can shit on her.

And she'll fight back and be happy again.

Say something!

: I decided to stop showering.

- Too much, Frank, too much. - That's... - There was no joke told.

I just figured, "What's the point?

I'm just a filthy person."

I passed out at the park the other day, and a couple of kids wrote,

"Wash me" in the filth on my vagina.

- Gross. - That was kind of funny, man.

- That was kind of funny. - It was so gross.

- It was gross. - Yeah, but that guy over there laughed.

I guess,

joke's on me.

- There's the catchphrase. - Yeah, yeah! Ca...

- Yeah, that's like a ca... - This is ridiculous.

I'm gonna go select some men for Dee.

This is a waste of time.

Um, I stepped in front of a bus, but it missed me.

I can't even get a bus to hit on me.

- People are laughing! - We love it!

- For real. - For real?

Yeah!

Knock, knock, knock. Can we say hi? There she is!

- Comedy star. - Dee so funny.

- Really funny. - Great! - Oh, my God, so funny.

- It was absolutely great! - You did the bus joke, and it was like...

- They loved the catchphrase. - They loved the catchphrase!

And think about this, Dee. You didn't even gag once.

- Not one dry heave, nothing. - I guess I did pretty good.

- Yeah, great! - "Pretty good," she said!

Dee, it was one of those shows where you're, like, "Whoa!"

And then your brain goes (makes explosion sound).

All right, guys, will you stop, okay? You're not helping.

Please, go get a drink, all right? Give us a second. I need to talk to Dee.

- We tried. - Yeah, you tried.

- That was it. - Thanks, guys.

All right, listen, listen to me. Your set tonight was terrible. It was atrocious.

Every single thing that came out of your mouth was trash.

It was filth. It was disgusting. That's what really happened, okay?

I want to be very clear about this.

Now, listen, I brought some men for you to look at, all right?

I've got some selections. Now, they're not great.

They're not, they're not anybody to brag about, but, uh, you know, they're men.

And they're probably willing to spend their life with you, so...

Uh, hey, uh, sorry to interrupt.

My name's Snyder, and I'm a talent scout.

And I just caught your last set.

You were hilarious.

So I just wanted to give you my card.

- Give me a call. - No, she will not be calling you, sir, okay?

Please do not encourage her. Get out of here.

You're-you're interrupting my work, all right?

You're not on my list of chosen men.

Why would you be?

- What are you...? - Christ.

- What are you doing? Why would you do that? - Come on, Dee.

That guy clearly just lurks around these places

pretending to be a talent scout so he can hit on women.

Now look-look at my selects, all right?

- Look at these guys, huh? - (Dee gasps)

- Yeah, I know. - This one's just, like, one big chin.

Well, I didn't have a lot to work with.

You know, here we are, and look at you.

I mean, for Christ's sakes, look.

Okay, I'm sorry. Look, I want this to work, I really do.

So I know I can do better, all right? Can you do better, all right?

I'm gonna be at your house tomorrow morning, 10:00 a.m.

Have some new candidates for you to look at, all right?

- Okay. - This is gonna work.

This is not gonna work.

Let's get you cleaned up, all right?

God, everything you did tonight was so gross.

Ugh. What is this? Dee, open up! Open!

You're locking your door all of sudden? What is that? Come on.

- You care all of a sudden? - What? What?

- Hey, let me in. I got selections for you. - Now's not a good time.

- I'm right in the middle of something. - They're good selections. Hey,

it's the time I said, so it's the time it'll be.

- Now let me in. I got selects. - I don't care about your selects. Go!

- What are you doing? Are you hiding something? - No.

- Is someone in there? - No, no. Don't worry about it.

- Let me in or I'll barge in. - Hey, everything all right over there, Dee?

Yeah, it's fine.

Oh, no.

Dee, oh... Oh!

- Snyder? - Mm-hmm.

He's clearly using you. Or you're using him to further your nonexistent career.

- I am not using him. - Oh, you're not using him?

- Nope. - Oh, good, good, good, good.

- So, you like him? - Mm-hmm.

- Find him attractive? - Absolutely.

Describe the ways in which you find him attractive.

He's got...

- he's got all of his skin, still. - Well, I would hope so.

And that he has plenty of...

teeth to get...

- But not all of them? - No, not all of them.

Hmm.

Dee, why can't you see that this is the same pattern that you always fall into?

Some guy uses you or you use him. And then you know what happens?

It's use, use, use, fail, fail, fail, and then it's suicide.

You think you can't go any lower? Because you can.

Oh, yeah?

Well, he got me another gig for tonight, boner. What do you think of about that?

What-what is that? What are you... what are you doing?

Sound effects.

Oh, goddamn, Dee.

You have no idea what's funny. Don't do sound effects.

Don't do... don't... wh-what... Oh, oh, oh.

Hey, hey, hey! Oh!

Hey, Dennis, oh, check this place out.

This is legit.

Dude, dude, Dee's opening for Landslide.

- That guy's, like, the real deal. - I've never heard of him.

Mostly diarrhea jokes.

Yeah, he's the diarrhea guy, but it look-looks like this

- comedy stuff's paying off for her. - Yeah, well...

Hey, you don't get a gig like this by accident.

Oh, come on, don't get too excited, all right?

She got the gig 'cause she's banging some creep.

- It's not gonna go well. - Who's the nerd?

Who, this guy? This is Walt.

Yeah, guy's got no self-esteem, just like Dee, so they're perfect for each other.

So after she bombs tonight, I'll put them together,

thereby controlling the situation, and her,

as I always have and I always will.

- What? - Uh...