Donny's Bar Mitzvah

Exsqueeze me. Can I get a side of...

Thanks.

Look what the man picked out for us, Marty.

"Donny's Party"? What the hell is "Donny's Party"?

- It's a film, Marty. - Never heard of it.

That's because you never leave your bed, Marty.

I'm not watching no "Donny's Party."

That movie sounds like "forgot the dick sauce."

And... cheese!

Okay, can we just go now? This is taking forever.

Jesus, Donny. You sound like a little bitch.

Hey, my friends are waiting, please.

Donny, that is the point of a reception. You wait.

Michelle, stop putting gum in your mouth. Spit it out.

What the hell is wrong with you? Nothing, Mother. I'm perfect.

Honey, don't you think we should wait outside and greet the guests?

Mitch, shut up and act like an adult for once.

And... cheese!

Yo, Swell City, baby.

- Fuckin' stop it already! - Make me, bitch.

How many fucking martinis are you gonna have? Sorry. Apple-fucking-tinis.

- I fucking hate you. - And... cheese!

Can we just go? My friends are waiting for me.

I will take this glass. I will slit your fucking wrist.

And... cheese!

Cheese!

Cheese!

Cheese!

Cheese!

Cheese!

All right, everybody. That's a wrap. That wasn't so bad, huh?

Okay, go mingle with the guests. Put your happy faces on.

Donny, I need you to go meet Chase, Sam, and Erin in the coatroom

- to practice your dance, okay? - You mean Eric.

I don't give a shit.

Cheese.

Welcome to Donny Drucker's bar mitzvah party.

Join us tonight as we celebrate a 13-year-old's journey into manhood.

Donny, Gary. So happy to be here.

I just wanna say tonight is gonna be an amazing night.

- Susie and I are so... - How big is it?

Big.

Gary's dick looks like a Brussels sprout.

...happy.

Look at her. Isn't she absolutely fucking gorgeous?

Tell you what.

You wanna take her for a spin tonight, be my guest.

And I ain't talking about my car, if you know what I mean.

I'm talking about Nancy. I'm telling you you can fuck my wife.

Nancy. You can fuck her. Boo-yah.

- You can fuck her tonight. - Yeah.

But, seriously, please, fuck my wife.

Excuse me. Do you wanna say anything for Donny?

Yeah. Sure.

Whenever you're ready.

Hey, Donny. I just wanna say... congrats.

Um, I'm so happy to be here. I know the party's gonna be amazing.

So, uh, you-you're having a good time?

Well, I just got here, like, two minutes ago.

- But, yeah. - Okay. Yeah.

Well, um, you look very pretty.

Thanks.

That's awesome.

- Wassup? - Wassup?

Boo-yah!

Ahh!

Hey, listen up, guys. I want you to meet some friends of mine.

This is Mr. and Mrs. Wang. They're in from out of town.

No shit. How do you do? I'm Gary.

- G-A-R-Y. - You didn't have to spell it.

Hi. This is my wife, Suse.

And a friend of Mitch's is a friend of ours. Right, Suse?

Hey, how you doing?

- Ow! My glasses! - Tom Blumberg.

This is my wife, Nancy. Nice to meet you.

Konnichiwa.

- That's Tom and that's Nancy. - Hey, well, you guys mingle.

Mmm.

- Hey! - Daddy needs a refill.

I'm gonna come with you.

Honey, you haven't even started your drink...

Ow! My glasses!

- Bye, Suse. - Love you!

Eric? Eric.

You still taking those weird dance classes?

First of all, it's not "dance classes." It's called "capoeira."

And second of all, the truth is if I wanted to,

I could probably kick your ass right now.

Hey, guys, I've got something to tell you.

As of last night, Hannah and I are officially boyfriend and girlfriend.

Hannah?

Yeah.

Handjob Hannah?

Yes. That's... That's her.

You know she got finger blasted last week in class

while watching "Bill Nye the Science Guy"?

Yes. I know that. She's not what people make her seem like.

She's a really cool girl, you know. She's just misunderstood.

Yeah, we don't care. Just tell us when and how the hell this happened.

I don't really know. We started working together on a social studies project,

and I got to know her really well.

And then last night on AOL, I asked her to be my girlfriend.

And?

She said she knew she loved me before she met me.

- Whoa. - Yeah.

Dude, that's really creepy.

Anyway, you're gonna try to kiss her tonight or...

Of course I wanna kiss her, but, like, I don't wanna take things too quick.

Dude, Hannah is a whore. Kiss her?

No, man, you're gonna get a blow job tonight.

- Calm down. - No, man, he's right.

- You are gonna get your dick sucked, bro. - All right. All right. Stop. Okay?

But promise me, no matter what happens, anything, you cannot tell Sam.

- You know how he gets... - What's up, dipshits?

- Promise not to tell me what? - Nothing, bro. Just...

Did you fucking shit your pants again?

I didn't shit my pants again. How long are you gonna...

- Shut up. - I didn't shit my pants.

We ain't got time for this bullshit, okay?

And I hope you've been practicing the dance.

Let's take it from the top. Get in formation.

So, how does this compare to some of the other bar mitzvahs you've been to?

I mean, I like the balloons, but I think they could do more.

Actually, we've never been to a bar mitzvah. This is our first.

No fucking way!

What do you do in your free time? Community work? Cliff diving?

I mean, I can't believe you've never been to one of these parties before.

We're at these things almost every weekend, man.

You guys are in for the night of your lives.

- Night of your lives! - Isn't this a party for the kids?

Who gives a fuck about them?

Five shots of tequila all around.

Let's put a roofie in every single one of 'em

for our friends the Wangs.

Chop-chop.

Gary's son's party was just last weekend. What a beautiful evening.

Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much. I made the centerpieces out of poop.

That is the most shit-faced I've been all month. Tell 'em, Nance.

It's true. He was in a coma for the last five days.

I was pronounced legally dead at the hospital.

I know. I came to visit.

- Tom and I have a terrible marriage. - It's true.

Oh, perfect timing.

Ooh, what happens if we take the blue pill, Neo?

- Let's put Mr. Wang into a coma tonight. - Yeah!

Whoo!

Oh, yeah! That'll put some hair on your chest! Whoo!

I'll have an Apple Martini, please.

Dude, that is so fucking embarrassing.

- Are you listening to me right now? - Yeah.

So here's the thing. This girl finished sucking my dick, right?

It was incredible.

She had the tears in her eyes but not from crying.

Just from, like, trying really hard. You know what I mean?

So you would think that... that we're done, right? Over.

But you are not gonna fucking believe what happens next. Okay?

I'm like... mmm, ahhh. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

Maa, maa, maa, maa, maa. Yeah. Yeah.

- Robert De Niro? I don't get this. - What the fuck are you talking about?

No. I opened up her butt cheeks, put my tongue in there,

and I ate her sweet little butthole. It was like a balloon knot.

You know we're in public, right?

Who gives a shit, man? I'm, like, giving out free information here.

It's like an STD clinic. Listen to me.

Here's the best part about the entire thing.

It tasted exactly like shit.

- No way. - Yes.

- Her butthole tasted like shit. - I know.

That's crazy. Did you check if she wiped?

No, David, I didn't check if she wiped

'cause I'm not a fucking pediatrician, okay?

Look, the quickest way into a woman's heart

is actually directly up her asshole.

Mm-hmm. That doesn't sound right.

What, you don't watch "Bill Nye"?

Fucking loser.

- What's up? - How you doing, Evan?

- Hey. - Hey.

- That's fucking Evan. - Dude, you know he's 13.

- Goddamn, he's fucking big. - I know.

- I went to his bar mitzvah last week. - Jesus Christ.

He's gonna die in, like, three fucking years if he doesn't stop growing.

- I hope so. He creeps me out. - Anyway, dude, listen to me.

Dude, we're gonna get you fucking laid tonight.

Yeah. I think you and I have very different types.

- What does that even mean? - I need to borrow him for a second.

- Yo, we'll talk about this later. - Yo.

Single, single, double.

Single, single, double. One more time.

Single, single, double. And through.

Single, single, double.

Single, single, double.

Oh, stop. Stop. Stop!

What the hell is going on?

- Listen. - What?

We appreciate the hustle, but we can't do this shit.

We're never gonna be able to learn this dance.

Yes, you can. You boys just need to put in more effort.

Dude, we've been at this for weeks.

We're gonna look like fucking idiots out there.