Crappy Mothers Day (Crappy Mother's Day)

In 1914 it became official.

President Woodrow Wilson signed a proclamation

designated Mother's Day a national holiday.

Mothers cheer across the country as they'll be honored

every year on the second Sunday of May.

Finally, the respect they deserve.

Mothers love to dress up and prance around

in their favorite hats.

She can compete in the annual Mother's Day log roll.

Always a treat.

Send cards, flowers, treats, and candy to mom.

Children show their love by serving her breakfast in bed.

Don't worry about the dirty dishes kids,

mom can always wash them tomorrow.

Why not have a barbecue?

Let mom get outdoors for a change.

Why make her cook over a hot stove

when she could cook over a hot grill instead.

Moms give the love that only mothers can give.

They hold you in their arms and make you feel safe.

Say a prayer for your mothers welfare on this special day.

Remember, a mother is the best thing

to celebrate on Mother's Day.

I think we should check places in Dumbo.

Forget it, I don't wanna live in an area

named after a flying baby elephant.

Besides, I loved that apartment in Tribeca.

Remember, with the elongated toilets?

Oh my God, will you stop with the elongated toilets.

What is the big deal.

You just said it, big. They're bigger.

More comfortable. Have you ever tried one?

I don't know, it's not something I've thought,

I guess not, no.

Well don't knock it till you try it.

Your ass will thank you.

Hey, leave my ass out of this .

The other thing is that apartment is way over our budget.

Come on, not that much.

Plus the kitchen had fantastic granite countertops

and all stainless steel appliances.

James, you have to stop watching House Hunters.

Please listen to me.

Oh no!

What? Who is it?

Uh, nobody, I just remembered I left something at work.

What?

Ah, A report! I have to go get it let's, let's go.

You know what?

It could wait.

Sarah, what's with you, who is that? -

Nobody. Who, what do you mean?

Come on, Sarah, you keep looking over at that woman,

do you know her?

No, no, just sit like that and don't move.

Don't turn around!

Sarah, who is it?

All right, I'll tell you.

It's my mother.

Wait a minute, you told me your mother was dead.

I know. I might've stretched the truth a little.

A little?

So whose grave have we been visiting?

Oh my God, is that you? Sarah?

Oh, God help me.

Hi honey!

Oh, Dimp, get over here, you're never gonna believe this.

This is my daughter, Sarah.

Hi.

Oh.

- Hi. - Hi.

Are you kidding? Is this a joke?

Oh, and this is my fiance, Dimpy.

Oh, nice to meet you.

James, this is my mother, Theresa.

Mother Theresa.

Oh yeah, I know, it's fine, just call me Totie.

This is my fiance James.

Nice to meet you, Dimpy.

Oh, nice to meet you Jimbo.

You know, my real name is John, but once I lost my eye

everyone started calling me Dimpy.

Dimpy?

Yeah, you know, 'cause you lost my eye.

- I don't- - yeah, you don't get it,

right? A lot of people don't. Yo, are those chocolate chip?

- Okay, you know what honey, - There's nothing to get.

can you go get us some chairs, Dim?

What does your name-

- Hey Jim, why don't you go get 'em.

You're up.

Okay, oh, thank you. So sweet.

Mom, what are you doing here?

Well, can't you tell?

We saw The Killers last night at The Garden.

What a show.

Dimpy got wasted.

Killers! I'm the man!

No, you're not, sit down, eat your cookie.

Do you guys like The Killers?

You know what? You're never gonna believe this

but I was gonna call you today.

- Really? - Yeah.

After four years you were gonna call me today.

Yeah, better late than never, right?

Sometimes never is better.

- What? - Hmm? Nothing.

Last I heard you were living in Amsterdam?

Oh, yeah, we had to get out of there.

Too easy to get high.

And you know, I gotta be careful now.

In case you didn't notice I got one in the oven.

And with this new baby I'm gonna do things right this time.

Oh, no offense, sweetie.

Oh, with you Mom I'm way past being offended.

We know it's gonna be a boy

so we're gonna name it Stalin, mm-hmm.

You mean like Joseph Stalin?

Yeah, I guess so. I seen it on the History Channel.

He was like the head of Russia or something.

He's known as one

of the most murderous dictators in history.

Yeah, whatever, but you gotta admit it's a cool name.

Mom, don't you think maybe you're a little old

for a new baby? No offense, mommy dearest.

Oh honey, don't you worry, this is it, right?

I mean we're gonna do safe sex now, right Dimp?

Oh yeah, that's it.

We were down at the Greenwich Village yesterday

and we went to a place called Condomaniacs.

They got all kinds of condoms there.

Glow in the dark, edible ones, all kinds of colors.

I put a green one on, I said "Come on baby,

"you're gonna do the big Hulk tonight."

It's more like doin' the medium sized Hulk, honey.

Oh, come on, come one, you loved it.

You know, your mother, she is crazy in bed.

When she has an orgasm she whistles

just like this.

Okay, that's a little too much information.

I think it's great. You know. She's like a tea kettle.

I know when she's done.

So what's up with you guys?

We are looking for a new apartment.

Oh, new digs! Fantastic!

Yes, it is. We found this really nice place in Tribeca.

Bedroom's a good size. I'd like to paint it tan.

Sort of wheat color.

Sarah wants more of a putty or a sand tone

but I just think wheat is such a calming color.

Thank you. Thank you.

For what?

I was constipated but now

you're boring the shit out of me.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

He's so funny!

Oh come on. No, but seriously I do have to go.

- Okay. - So pardon me,

I gotta go drop a friend and drain the lizard.

He's hilarious.

Do they have a waiter?

You know what, I'm just gonna go grab a coffee okay?

I'll be right back kids.

This is a joke, right?

This is your idea of a practical joke.

Okay, ha, ha, ha, ha, very funny.

Now can you just pay them or whatever and make them leave.

No joke.

I refuse to believe that that's your mother.

I've been trying to do that for years

but unfortunately it's true.

What happened?

She's like Roseanne Barr's obnoxious sister.

I don't know, okay?

All I can tell you is growing up was hell.

I was embarrassed all the time.

At my high school graduation she went streaking

through the crowd with one of her many friends.

I mean, thank God I went away to college.

But we only saw each other on holidays

and after awhile we just kinda lost touch.

I mean this is the first I've seen here in years.

Wow.

What a relief, that's much better.

So...

Excuse me, I have to make an important phone call.

What call?

Um... To the vet about the dog.

What dog?

Didn't I tell you? I got us a dog.

Oh, what's his name?

Um, Justin.

Oh, like Justin Bieber?

Exactly, I'm a big fan.

Really? Huh, that's a little weird.

So is Sarah. I did it mostly for her.

Oh that's sweet I guess.