Hogan's Heroes

And I'm telling you, London, it can't be done.

Sure, we know where the tunnel is,

but if the Krauts are running

a rocket fuel convoy through there,

it'll be heavily guarded.

Besides, it's too far from Stalag 13

to take all my men.

We've arranged all that, Old Boy.

Made contact with an underground group.

They'll meet you tomorrow night

at 2200 hours at rendezvous point 906.

Oh, and you'd better use recognition code one four.

We hear these people are eccentric

but keen, terribly keen.

They better be.

Blowing up a tunnel and a convoy

should call for a battalion.

We can go you one better, Old Boy.

Chap of ours worked out a special plan for this operation.

Got it all in his head.

Unfortunately.

Why?

Where's his head?

Oh, no problem there.

You can pick him up on your way to the rendezvous point.

Caught his foot in a trap a while back.

Jerries got him in Stalag 16.

We've gotta break him outta Stalag 16?

Is it worth it?

He's got such a beautiful concept

of the whole operation, Old Boy.

We've named it after him.

The Crittendon plan.

Not Colonel Crittendon?

Aha, you know him!

I know he's the most incompetent officer

in the entire British army.

That's how well I know him.

Fooled you too, eh, did he?

Razor sharp, old Critt, razor sharp.

You'll pick up the usual things,

explosives, short wave, and so on.

Best of luck, chaps.

Hey, wait a minute.

Colonel, not Crittendon.

Crittendon!

They gotta be kiddin'.

It'll be a disaster.

A complete impossible disaster.

Just tell me one thing,

one thing he's ever done right.

Well, he always put a lot of faith in me.

Good, you're going with us.

- Congratulations. - Serves you right, big mouth.

I didn't say I put a lot of faith in him,

I just said...

You're escaping tonight.

I'll join you tomorrow.

Let's go.

But how're we gonna do it, Colonel?

I mean, blowing up a whole convoy in a tunnel,

that's a pretty big job.

Why ask me?

It's all in the Crittendon plan.

The Crittendon plan, yes sir.

I'm sure it's all in there.

Report!

Herr Commandant, I beg your pardon?

Schultz, what is it, what is it?

I don't know how to say it, Herr Commandant.

Schultz, what is the matter with you?

You say all present and accounted for.

Now say it!

I would give my life if I would be able to say it,

but I-

Unfortunately Commandant, there's been an escape.

Escape?

Schultz, did you sound the alarm?

Too late, Commandant.

Happened early last night, Carter.

He's long gone.

Long gone?

Schultz, I will have your head for this.

Berlin will have my head.

The one thing they would never question

was my perfect record.

Now it's gone.

Could we call out the dogs?

Call out the-

No chance, Commandant.

Why not?

Carter thinks like a dog.

Yes, he thinks like a dog,

but he must be recaptured.

You got a problem, Commandant,

because there's only one man in Stalag 13

who knows how to find him.

Who's that?

Me, I think like him.

Hogan, this is a trick.

I'm not letting you out of this camp.

Commandant, do you really think I'd go out

and hunt down one of my own men?

I order you to go.

It'll never work, sir.

Hogan, what am I to do?

Wait for your transfer.

Russian front.

Russian front.

We'll wait for your replacement.

A beast, probably.

A beast, of course.

Won't be a man of your culture, humanity.

Prisoners will suffer.

The prisoners will suffer, yes.

Why not?

But,

Hogan, you owe it to your men to bring him back.

Really, sir?

Look at them.

What would it mean

to those poor devils if they were to lose me?

More than you'll ever know, sir.

Then go.

I'll do it.

Under heavy guard, of course.

Hair trigger, Schultz?

Colonel.

Oh Schultz, you idiot.

You don't salute him, he's your prisoner.

And see to it that it stays that way.

And bring Carter back.

Dismissed!

Colonel Hogan, what are we really going to do?

Well, Schultz, first.

Tell me nothing, nothing!

Colonel Hogan, I must protest.

What are we doing here?

Looking for Carter.

We were sent out to look for Carter.

What is looking for Carter to do

with the many stops we were making?

What has looking for Carter to do with all the supplies

and bundles you were loading back there?

German uniforms, guns, a radio,

and boxes of something

that looks like something I do not want to look at.

Dynamite.

Please, Colonel.

What are we doing here?

Looking for Carter.

Looking for Cart-

There he is now.

It is Carter!

Carter, you under arrest!

Please, wait.

I found you, Carter.

You are my prisoner.

Hi Schultz.

Get into the truck.

No tricks!

Get in!

Where are we going, Schultz?

Back to Stalag 13, where else?

I thought we'd go to Stalag 16.

Why, why?

Well we have orders to pick up a prisoner.

What prisoner?

What orders?

My German uniform in the back of the truck.

Well, shall we go?

Wait!

We are going back to Stalag 13 and nowhere else.

Now back into the truck.

March!

Just thinking of you, Schultz.

Do not think of me.

Halt!

Why are you thinking of me?

Gestapo pick up your trail yet, Carter?

Oh, yes sir.

They're close behind me that way.

I welcome the Gestapo.

I captured a very dangerous escaped prisoner.

Single handed.

Sure Schultz.

And they'll probably give you a medal for that stuff

in the back of the truck.

I know nothing of what's in the back of the truck!

Nothing.

And I'll back you up every inch of the way.

As long as I can humanly hold out.

We might not crack for hours.

Let's go to Stalag 16.

Get in the truck,!

You'll never regret it, Schultz.

Go ahead sir, I read you loud and clear.

Oh, I'm so glad.

Mission underway there, chaps?

Our men are on their way, sir.