The Change-Up

Your turn.

on, fuck.

Okay, I'm awake.

Good morning.

You guys are up a little early today, huh.

Did we have some nightmares or something?

Let's see what you made for daddy.

Let's see.

I wouldn't like to sleep with that in my pants, either.

But it did happen once in college.

Can you leave that bottle alone, honey?

Can you put it down?

Honey... Sarah...

No, no! Sweetheart!

Damn.

I know. I'll have you back in your warm little bed in one second.

Here you go. Back to bed, sweetheart.

You got a fresh, dry diapy.

Peter...

Peter, please!

Buddy, we talked about the head thing.

Let me get you all hooked up.

Hang on, don't fall.

Oh, no.

Peter... Oh.

Okay. A little something for daddy.

Steel, Kuhbach, McCloud Law Firm. Good morning.

Good morning, Lockwood.

Good morning, Mr. Steel.

Thank you.

How are the kids?

Oh, they're terrific. Just terrific.

Children are such a joy.

Yes, absolutely. Always.

Any word on the Amalgamated merger?

That's all but signed.

And just in time for your partner review, no less.

Really? Oh, I hadn't noticed.

I look forward to having your antic sense of humor

in the partner suite, Lockwood.

It can get a touch dry up there.

Thank you so much. Hmm.

But a Double Windsor?

Come on, son. This is not the dog track.

No. Yes.

Yeah.

Absolutely not. Thank you.

Hi.

Seriously, Dave, this isn't the dog track.

Yeah. Good morning, Sabrina.

Last week he told me my shoes were dangerously Italian.

what?

My turn with the Amalgamated files?

Yeah, I adjusted the WACC to reflect the new monthly projections,

and I pre-negotiated articles 23 through 29.

Okay.

I like the way you had it before, by the way.

Yeah. Thank you.

Good morning, Patricia.

Hello. MITCH: Penis, shit, vagina, cock, wolf pussies.

Mitch. I'm at work.

Did I get you? Yeah. You sure did.

You got me on speakerphone? Yep.

Did the secretary hear?

Yes, the secretary heard. She heard it all.

That's awesome.

Not really. How stoned are you right now?

I've taken some weed.

Have you? Mmm-hmm.

Do you know what time it is? Mmm-mmm.

It's like 9:00.

Holy fuck-knuckles.

Guess what I'm looking at right now. A bong?

No, I found a futon on the street last night.

I sort of had to fight a bum for it. He was so thin.

And it also came with this vintage Navajo pony blanket...

So I think that's pretty much a win for me.

Mitch, you know the adults are about to fire up a work day.

I know, I just miss you, dude, that's all. I miss you, too.

We've been super best buddies since third grade.

I haven't seen you in forever.

Oh, I've been swamped.

We're sleep-training the twins,

and I just haven't had a moment to breathe.

I'm sorry, man. I'm just super-excited to see you.

We are still on for tonight, right?

David? Yep.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. For the thingy.

Braves-Marlins. Please don't tell me that you forgot.

Didn't forget.

What time are you going to pick me up?

Don't you bail on me, David.

I am not going to bail.

If you bail on me, I'm going to literally eye-rape you.

I got it.

I will actually place myself inside your ocular... Oh!

It's my dad.

Mitch Planko, Sr. making a rare appearance.

This guy fucking hates me.

I'll pick you up at 6:00. Got it.

Kirk out.

Dad.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I just came by to tell you

how incredibly proud of you I am, son.

I'm pretty baked right now,

but I think you're being sarcastic.

Right?

No, dropping out of high school

to be an actor was a great decision.

I saw you in that commercial for meat, incidentally.

That was the most brilliant portrayal of baloney I have ever seen.

Why are you here?

Just came by to see if you'd like to have some breakfast.

I can't. I got a super-duper important conference call in 10 minutes.

You don't have a job. You don't have any hair.

Right.

Well, then I'll just say it here.

I'm getting married again,

and I'd like you to come to the wedding.

When's the wedding? Next Saturday.

My betrothed, Pamela, would like you

to be there to say a few words.

I'll catch the next one.

Yeah, right. Okay, well, then I'd better get home

and boil my shoes.

Great visiting. You, too.

Good.

And the baby-eating monster

rises from the deep! (ROARS)

Hey, Daddy, which one do you like better?

The southern monarch or the many-spotted skipperling?

I am a many-spotted skipperling man, all the way.

The monarch is just a glorified moth, don't you think?

Yes. I tend to agree.

Hi, Mom! Hi!

What a bad, bad day.

Hi.

The zoning board shut us down for the millionth time.

Dr. Klein lost the twins' immunization records.

And Cara got bullied in ballet class again.

Did you tell Daddy?

Nicolette Peters keeps knocking me over during the battement glissé.

Oh, I'm sorry, sugarbug. Are you okay?

We just need to keep striving for verbal resolution.

Yeah, yeah. Verbal resolution, sweetheart.

So where do you want to do this tonight?

Do what?

Dialogue Night.

Oh, my God.

Honey...

Don't even say that.

I'm so sorry. I suck.

Dr. Tillman said just once a week, for one hour.

I'm sorry.

That was three months ago.

I know. I heard her.

And I want to sit and talk with you for an hour

more than once a week, but tonight, I cannot.

Why? What are you doing?

I promised Mitch I would sit and watch

a game with him tonight, and...

What?

Can we please just slide the Dialogue Night again?

I'm so sorry.

I can do Monday night.

Thank you.

He's early.

Yeah, you'd be early, too,

if all you did all day was eat hummus and masturbate.

What's hummus?

That is a Mediterranean spread, honey.

What's master-ate?

It's a cracker.

Oh, hey, Mitch. Your hair looks good.

Thanks.

Yeah, I had to cut it for a fucking tampon commercial.

Uncle Mitch!

How's my favorite ballerina doing?

Hi, Uncle Mitch. Hi! Wow!

Gosh, you're so light. Are you dieting?

Do you want to come to my dance recital?

Oh!

No, honey.

The only style of dancing that Uncle Mitch likes

involves a big, shiny pole, and a broken woman with daddy issues.

Yeah, story time is over.

Go fix your hair.

Ow.

Mmm, smells good in here, Jame.

Mmm.

Ooh! Num-nums!

Vegetable medley!

How are you? Good.

You're good? Yeah.

Are you dating anyone?