Modern Family

Honey, would you buy a closet called...

Shh! I am waiting to see if I get to go tomorrow.

Jury duty. You know, you can just throw that away.

There's no way they can ever tell you got it.

Jay, you're a bad American.

It is a privilege to serve on a jury.

For the first time, I get to be part of it.

Talk to me when you're eating a tuna sandwich out of a machine.

Anyway, it's a distressed-oak model that I like to call...

Wait, wait! Wait!

Oh! I'm in!

8:00 A.M. tomorrow. Parking structure "c"!

You're excited about a parking structure?

It's not even "a" or "b."

You're gonna have to take my place working at Joe's school.

I can't do that. I have a job.

Have Claire cover for you.

She knows how to yell at people and read the newspaper.

What the hell's wrong with that school?

Aren't we paying them so we don't have to take care of our kid?

That's not the way it works at the learning barn.

You know that they want the parents to be involved

so that they can bond with the kids.

What's wrong with schools today?

I'm successful, and I had a nun with a mustache.

Well, you better get used to going there,

because if I get put into a murder trial,

I could be gone for weeks.

Maybe I should tell them

that I have experience on a firing squad.

Why do you say crazy stuff like that?

Now, that isn't true, is it?

Wait a second.

That new closet, what did I say it was called?

You never said.

Damn it!

That's why I need a grease pencil in the shower.

Captions by vitac ...

Oh, I don't know, Haley.

I mean, he is really cute and really smart and really funny,

but, oh, he's always wearing clogs.

Oh, no, no.

If he is not a chef, a nurse, or a tulip salesman,

you need to run.

Hey, if your mother had that attitude about a man in clogs,

you two wouldn't have a dad.

Okay, thanks, dad. I won't let you down.

Bye.

Guess what, guys.

I am going to be the big boss at work tomorrow,

and coincidentally, it's take your daughter to work day.

Huh? I'll go to work with you, mom.

Stop trying to get out of community service.

You need those hours to graduate.

And you're not a daughter.

Mom, dad, sit down.

There's something I need to talk to you about.

You're going.

So, girls, what do you say?

Uh, you know we're not 8, and I have a job.

You called in sick twice last week because you had a zit.

I work in fashion. They told me not to come in.

Alex, honey, your last class tomorrow is at 10:00 A.M.,

so if you hit the road... No, no, no, no!

Haley, quick, close the laptop!

Until now, I was always a full-time mom,

so the girls never had a chance to see the other side of me...

You know, powerful woman in charge.

Yeah, 'cause we never get to see your tough side.

Come on, daddy, we're gonna be late for your work.

I know. I'm excited, too.

Okay, I was wrong.

The whistles aren't better outside.

Are you sure you can get all these groceries home by yourself?

I don't know. I'm kind of scared.

I've never driven groceries home before.

Hey, you guys.

Ray... Raymond? Raymond!

Hi. Oh, it's been so long.

Yeah. Haven't seen you since, you know.

Yeah. Yeah.

Raymond and j'Marcus broke up three months ago,

and they'd been together almost as long as we have.

J'Marcus got all the friends,

and Raymond got all the confidence

to go shopping in his pajamas.

You guys having a party?

No, no. Party? No, not a party.

Olive medley, square napkins, cracker trio.

Um, well, these things are just more for a...

What would you say?

Kind of like a get-together.

Get-together, get-together. It's a last-minute thing.

Yeah. It's no big deal.

Sounds fun. No, it's not gonna be fun.

No. It's crackers.

Yeah. It's supposed to rain.

Well... I'll see you guys.

Yes. You, too, Raymond.

Bye-bye. Take care of yourself.

Phew! That was close.

I thought we were gonna have to invite him.

Hey, Raymond, you should come tonight.

Really?

It wouldn't be a get-together without Raymond.

Right, cam? Absolutely.

Yeah. Oh, you know what? But...

I should tell you, j'Marcus is gonna be there. Yeah.

So, if that's gonna be uncomfortable,

we totally understand.

No, it's fine. I'll be there.

It'll be nice to see j'Marcus again.

Maybe he'll bring one of those shirtless ab sluts

I've seen on his Facebook page.

I'll see you guys. Yeah. Yeah, see ya.

Okay. Look forward to it.

-You, too. -Yeah. -Yeah.

What was I supposed to do?

I mean, he was all sad and pathetic and broken.

Oh, well, yes, the perfect addition to any party.

They are gonna be at each other's throats

and ruin the whole night. Come on, lily.

Thanks to you, we are throwing

the antisocial event of the season.

Cam. No, I'm late and I'd like to leave on that.

Hi. I'm... I'm here.

Well, this is a special treat.

I spy with my little eye a first-time volunteer!

Gloria had jury duty, so no chance I could get out of this

by pretending to be racist?

Anyway, uh... What do you need?

You can set up the paints, make the kale smoothies,

and wipe down the rabbit hutch.

On it. Margaret?

Paint, smoothies, hutch.

Got it. Excuse me.

Who's this? That's Margaret, my assistant.

I couldn't have children.

This is not how it works with parent volunteers.

You're already playing fast and loose

with that term "volunteer," so... What do you say?

As much as we don't like to use the word "no"...

And, by the way, if any of these little tykes start acting up,

she's not afraid to get out the wooden spoon.

Jay, I know it's a little scary,

but you're going to have to let her go.

I don't want her to go.

Margaret, just go. I'll distract him.

Come back.

Margaret, don't turn around.

Okay, men.

Gather 'round.

Teachable moment.

Don't think of community service as a requirement.

Think of cleaning up this park as an opportunity.

To get hepatitis?

To make the world a better place.

That's why I'm here.

I already did my required hours.

That's a fancy way of saying you're a virgin.

Joke all you want, but this looks good

on an application to nyu or ucla or kfc.

Okay, stop trash-talking and start trash picking up.

I-I'll get that.

Hey! There he is.

Hey... You.

How long's it been, Mr. real estate?

Well, you tell me, Mr. you.

I'm usually really good with names and faces,

but I could not remember who this guy was.

Fortunately, I found that one perfectly worded question

can get you all the information you need.

How's things?

Good. Uh-huh.

How's the beautiful wife?

Claire's great. Yeah.

Thank you so much for asking.

How's... How's your situation?

Oh, you know, same ol', same ol'. Mm-hmm.

Actually, I'm glad I'm running into you like this.

My car just got towed,

and my wallet and cellphone were in there.

Oh. Could you possibly lend me some money for cab fare or...

Yes. Oh.

Of course.

How's, uh, $40 with a little extra

in case you run into trouble?

I want to make sure you get back to your house in, uh...

Time for dinner, I hope.

Thanks, man. You're the best.

Hey, dad.

Oh, my God.

Last time I saw you, you were so small.

I better run. Thanks, pal.

All right, buddy. Good to see you.

Dad. Hmm?

That guy just scammed you.

No, he didn't.

It's a classic scam.

You pretend you know someone and then borrow money.