Raising Hope

I've had booty calls, so...

and I'm doing okay,

but... I'm just ready

for something more, you know?

And I don't know how long I'm gonna have to wait...

Well, that's all the words that I have for that song.

Sorry! I knew

I was late, but I didn't realize I was trombone-solo late.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's that?

Oh, it's our new computer.

The lady I clean for caught her son shaving his privates

on something called "Chat Roulette."

Anyway, he got shipped off to military school

and we got a new computer!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, slow down there, Jimmy.

Do you even know what the hell you're doing?

Of course he knows what he's doing, Burt!

It's a computer, not a condom.

Hilarious, Mom.

And relax, Dad- nothing's gonna happen.

I'm telling you, that machine brings all the bad stuff

right into your house!

If you're a repulsive shopper,

you buy stuff on there; if you're

a sex addict, there's plenty of that on there.

Yeah, we get it- there's eBay and porn and gambling.

There's gambling on there? If I...

Oh, see? I can't even be in the same room

as that thing! Hey...

ask it if they ever found that city

David Copperfield made disappear.

What kind of gambling? 'Cause I think

a little bit wouldn't be a problem for me.

Can you imagine what it's like to be an ant?

It's like you and ten of your buddies

pick up a potato chip, bring it back

to your ant family so everyone can eat,

and it takes you, like, three hours

to get from over there to over there.

And just when you think you got it all figured out,

some jerk comes along and...

Ants.

Uh, here's your half of the cookie.

Oh, cool.

Thanks for the show, boys.

Oh, God.

Look who it is.

Burt!

Jimmy!

Thumb. Thumb.

I thought you were putting me out of business.

How long ago was that, Burt?

20 years. Your daddy ever

tell you what he said to me

the day he quit?

"Take this job and shave it."

"Shove it." I said, "Take this job and shove it."

He said "shave it."

I meant "shove it."

You know,

the city parks contract is up for grabs again.

I noticed you don't even

put in a bid anymore.

I don't need any city contracts.

I don't need the hassle.

My son and I, we got a good thing going with our two-man crew.

Yeah, having a big crew sucks.

Gotta go!

Oh, it's Hope's day care.

Hello?

Big crew...

What?

You're kidding.

Um, uh, there's some sort of green fluid

coming out of her nose.

It could be mucus, but we don't know.

It's just a cold.

Uh, yes, she'd be a new patient.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't know, hold on a second.

What type of insurance do we have?

We don't have that. No.

Uh, yes, hello?

Uh... I don't have insurance,

so is that, is that gonna be a problem?

Hello?

Um, hello?

Insurance!

Sure, I'll just have the butler go get it

out of the hot air balloon.

I can't believe it.

I've called every doctor in town,

and no one'll see me without insurance-

which they tell me most people get from their boss.

What are you guys doing?

Quarantining Maw Maw.

She's 84 years old, and if she catches Hope's cold,

it could kill her.

And that means dealing with that creepy funeral director.

No thank you.

How are we supposed to pass the food through that?

Well, I figured we could just pour it through this.

Well, when you

get done with that, maybe you can tell me

why you don't have insurance for your only employee.

I can't afford it.

Besides, it's unnecessary.

We're not cars, Jimmy.

The human body heals itself.

Look, Jimmy,

it's natural to get worried

when your baby's sick, but it's normal.

You get sick, you get better, you get sick, you get better,

you get sick, you die- that's life.

Well, we can't do nothing.

What did you guys do when I got sick?

You did nothing?

No! Obviously, when you were really bad,

we called the doctor.

MAN Now, the shampoo will kill them,

but it may take a couple of tries.

Come on, give me the phone. Shh. I'm on next.

I think I'm going to barf.

Next up, we have a call from a young mother named Virginia.

Virginia, welcome to The Dr. Tim Show.

I'm... Dr. Tim.

Hi, Dr. Tim! Okay, so my baby has...

Baba-booey! Baba-booey!

I could've died.

Stop being so dramatic.

You're lucky we didn't pump you full of antibiotics.

Hey, you're like that expensive meat

they sell at those fancy stores where everybody has B.O.

and they make you bring your own bags.

No. You just did the least amount

of work possible and got lucky.

But I'm not just gonna wait around and see what happens.

I'm taking Hope to that free clinic

I found in the computer. Fine, but I'm

going with you so I can laugh in your face

when the doctor tells you I was right.

Good. That way when the doctor says

Hope has some horrible disease, I can laugh in your face.

But I won't, because I'll be very sad.

Okay.

A doctor can see Hope next Tuesday at 11:00 a.m.

But... but that's practically a week from now.

Look, we are

a free clinic, and we are doing the best we can.

Shoot, we only got one thermometer.

But she could be better by next Tuesday.

Probably. From the looks of these symptoms,

I'm guessing it's just a cold.

Thank you!

Hey, um,

I want to buy cough medicine,

but all that's there are these cards.

Uh, do I give this to you?

Sure do.

What's happening? Did I win something?

Yep. A starring role in my favorite show.

Apparently, cough syrup is the main ingredient

used by meth labs, so we can't just sell it to anybody.

Frederick, Frederick, guard the door.

Dilated pupils.

What's your name, tweaker? You have some I.D.?

Tell him I'm not a meth-head.

I've never met this guy.

Come on.

Shifty eyes.

Check.

Pasty skin. Check.

Poor hygiene.

Check. Bad teeth.

Check. I know I should brush better,

but I'm not a tweaker.

Well, we'll see what the database says.

Great. Now I can't get medicine for my daughter.

Oh, come on.

You can't give that to Hope.

Look, it says right here: "Not for children

under the age of two. Please consult a doctor."

I've tried to consult a doctor, but I couldn't,

because I don't have insurance.

You should work here.

Everybody gets insurance, even the part-timers.

Wow. Nice owners.

Well, you're not on our list,

so I can't legally prevent you from buying this.

But I want you to look into your heart...

I don't want it anymore.

I knew it!

That's five this week, people!

I've turned five this week!

Barney Hughes- selling groceries, saving lives.

No, I cannot pour faster, Maw Maw-

you'll get a brain freeze.

She loves her smoothies, but she just can't pace herself.

I think I've figured out how to get insurance for Hope.

Why? Her cold's practically gone.

Well, yeah, but that doesn't mean